Last night on Vanderpump Rules it was the the Grownups VS. Real Grownups. The latter, a cult led by Stassi Schroeder. Immediately upon entering your fashion IQ drops at least 20 points. On the other hand, the Grownups is led by Scheana Marie Almost Famous and you basically need to be brain-dead (or Jax Taylor) to gain entry at all. But they are friendship tattoos!
Straddling the middle is Tom Schwartz. He so badly wants to be a Grownup, but Katie Maloney has him trapped in an invisible net – no one believes him when he reports himself as missing and kidnapped to the police.
Here’s what Grownups do: they have panic attacks at their bartending job and flee the scene, sobbing. Here’s what Real Grownups do: they sit in a corner hate-watching a group of people and passive-aggressively snarking on them behind-their-backs, but never actually say anything to their faces. You know, kind of what I do while I watch this show! The grownup is real, the grownup struggle is realer.
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Jax is getting a nose job because he wants to replace his old beat-up nose with something, new and shiny that has never been up Stassi’s butt! It’s too bad Jax can’t get his old morals replaced while he’s at it. To prepare for surgery Tom 1, Jax, and Tom 2 get their eyebrows threaded, while sipping champagne. It’s hard work to look this effortless! Tom 1 gives the eyebrow technician a 10-step diagram created with Microsoft Illustrator on how to perfectly arch his brows to avoid looking too femm-y. He has the PDF stored on his iPhone. It turns out threading hurts, but grownup men don’t cry. Nope, they just drink more!
While the boys are threading, Stassi stops by SUR to chat with Ariana Madix about goat cheese balls and Kristen Doute‘s crazy balls! Like Real Grownups do – you know, wandering around in the middle of the afternoon, bothering someone AT WORK to gossip. Don’t REAL grownups also have J-O-Bs? Oh wait, Stassi is a fashion blogger…
For someone who is gettin’ so much serious amazing action from this mysterious Patrick, Stassi sure is obsessed balls. She’s also obsessed with Ariana remaining friends with Scheana, who is now besties with Kristen! It turns out Kristen and Scheana have matching tattoos. *side eye* *EXTREME side eye* *Ariana side eye* *Winning Side Eye Competitions Over Here!* Yes, Kristen and Scheana both have musical notes… SOUNDS to me, like Scheana ain’t such a loyal friend!
Ariana fills Stassi in on the time Kristen showed up all dressed-up to wail in their ‘foyer’ over her absconded cable box and Ariana representing all that is wrong with her life. Stassi warns Ariana that this is how Kristen will weedle her way in between their love, like a ferret! Hmmm… will Krsiten stop at nothing to break Ariana and Tom 1 up? Magic Hate Ball says… “All Signs Point To Yes – Cause She’s Crazy Bitch!”
Tom 2 was bar tending his little heart out at PUMP, when all of the sudden he looked down at his pink shirt, and the limes at the bar – looked out over the sea of people all chanting “Pumptini! Pumptini! Pumptini!” and the world began to spin. It dissolved into a vortex of sequins and hair gel and artfully airbrushed tans yanking AmEx Black Cards out of their Balenciaga snakeskin wallets that cost more than Tom 2 would make in 10 shifts and he panicked. It was not unlike the scene in Fantasia where Mickey falls into the bottom of the ocean, except Tom 2 fell into the bottom of a LVP Vodka Bottle and grabbed the nearest oxygen tank of Evian atomized Gucci Envy and fled.
When Lisa Vanderpump learns he walked off his shift amid a panic attack, she is pissed – and worries for Katie that her dreams of engagement rings will never come true because Tom 2 is not a grownup. Seriously – Tom 2’s panic attack was probably related to realizing a ‘real job’ means he’s one step closer to marrying Katie. EEEKS!
Katie lectures Tom 2 on growing up. He smiles and nods, like all the times parents have lectured him on how he wasted his college degree and modeling is not gonna last forever. But really, consider the source… Katie might think she’s a Real Grownup, but just cause Stassi says it’s true doesn’t make it so!
Now that Tom 2 is freed from the shackles of a job, well a paying one at least, he assumes the role of baby-sitting a post-nose job Jax. Jax worries that after surgery Tom 2 is gonna draw penises on his face, but instead he just asks the doctor to sew a dildo on his head like rhino-horn. Oh, I joke, Tom 2 actually cried tears of joy to see that Jax survived surgery, then he drove him around heavily bandaged, got his meds, and fluffed his pillow, and seriously – what was carrying around in that backpack? Jax’s old nose, for the shrine? While Tom seems to be able to handle the puss and gore of Jax’s oozing nostrils, he can’t handle bartending and is confronted with the horrible reality when Peter Madrigal and Lisa show-up to Jax’s unannounced!
Tom 2 bows at Lisa’s feet, kisses her Louboutins (the bottoms of which painted Pumptini Pink!). Luckily Lisa is distracted by noticing all the inventory Jax has stolen from SUR. I’m suuure he was just offering to store those extra candles at his apartments to save Lisa space or storage unit fees, right?!
Then Scheana arrives with donuts. Jax can’t see due to the bandages and gropes around in the box – I swear he thought he was groping a boob – grabbing the biggest, messiest jelly-filled donut, which he gets all over his face, causing blood to leek from his nostrils. Everyone tries to convince themselves that was jelly, not blood. GAG – Bravo really need to put Jax away until he was less messy!
Can we take a moment to discuss Jax’s tattoos – he wasn’t kidding when he described himself as an impulsive inker. He has a giant “FREEDOM” tat in terrible font across his back. He should’ve gotten that removed while he was under… and replaced with a giant dick, you know his natural personality! I joke – I have a soft spot for the lovable douche-ness that is Jax, although his IQ is at least a full 10 points lower than Scheana’s.
While Tom 2 is Jaxercising, Katie and Stassi go to lunch. There is this big OK! Magazine party happening and they don’t want gross Scheana at their table, even though Tom 2 is friends with her. Katie reveals that Jax had a nose job and Stassi laughs and laughs. This is what Real Grownups do! The also dress like Hilary Clinton to convince themselves that they’re mature.
Before the OK! party everyone checks in on Jax – Tom 1 asks if he got punched in the face after banging some guys girlfriend. BUUUURN! Tom 2 has moved in, with all his worldly possessions in a backpack, and all the Grownups complain that Katie never hangs-out with them cause she’s too up Stassi’s butt. Jax is like, “My old nose has been there, ugh – it’s hard to escape! But I know a good surgeon.” Tom 2 says nothing to defend his girlfriend.
A the OK! Party – Stassi is dressed like a bad rendition of a naughty schoolgirl – her fashion is a mess this season! Scheana wore a figure skating costume from the Tonya Harding Collection of Almost Famous Tackery. Scheana tells Tom 1 that she invited Kristen and James Kennedy to join their table.
Speaking of BabyBeamerSchemer, he showed up at SUR, again, to grovel fro his job back. Lisa was dining with Lance Bass, feeling charitable, and agreed to give him one shift per week. BabyBeamerSchemer needs to pay his billlz – Will Work For Selfies!
Kristen sobs and sniffles into her clutch, downing drinks, and whines that Tom 1‘s relationship with Ariana is such a joke. Actually – the only joke is her being so obsessed with her ex while claiming to be over him! Oh, Stassi parading around like she’s a mature grownup in Hilary Clinton drag.
At the ‘cool kids’ table, Stassi complains about Scheana and Kristen. Tom 2 challenges them to a game where the loser must go sit at the Schitsten table. And Stassi loses. She makes Peter accompany her. Scheana sucks-up and gushes all over Stassi – her life, her amazing ability to combine 80’s power suits and Britney Spears drag with no success. Katie and Anonymous Stassi Schroeder Clone No. 2 snicker at Scheana from across the bar.
Kristen asks Stassi if she visited Jax in the hospital so Stassi stomps away. Scheana decides paybacks a bitch by dragging Kristen and a bottle of vodka to harass Stassi’s booth and make her uncomfortable. Maybe Scheana isn’t as dumb as she acts! “I never show up empty handed,” she quips.
With Tom 1 and Ariana already over there, Stassi wants to know how Ariana can be friends with Scheana and how Tom 1 can be friends with Jax after what happened. Scheana rambles on about how Kristen never did anything to her, but STASSI STOPPED TEXTING HER AND OMIGAWD IT WAS SO SAD AND DEPRESSING AND SHE HAD TO BE ON CRUTCHES FOR A MONTH TO GET OVER IT!
I swear, Scheana is gonna go out and get hair transplants just so she can hobble around SUR fake fainting and wearing a giant hat for attention. Katie and ASSC No. 2 immediately defend their mastress: “STASSI IS AMAZING – I WORSHIP HER PANTS SUITS” they chant. Scheana, dejected that she was never invited to join the cult and drink pinot grigio laced with silicone and hairspray in the jungle of Anthropologie’s sample sale, stumbles away. She’s start her own cult!
As for Tom 1 he offers Kristen the lamest, tepid-est fist pump and says they’re cool – even though she stole his DVR recordings. Ariana hisses at him not give her any attention, because Kristen, is krazy! A krazy cat lady quickly turning feral. She will claw, scratch and savage you until your reserves are zapped from rabies and you are foaming at the mouth, leaking jelly donut puss, vodka, and glitter all over the carpet at SUR. Then she’ll swoop in and nurse you back to health with all the supplies from Tom 2‘s backpack.
TELL US – SCHEANA’S FRIENDSHIP WITH KRISTEN: SINCERE OR SHE’S A TOTAL ISH-STIRRER? WILL TOM 2 EVER MARRY KATIE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo & Twitter]