On part two of the Vanderpump Rules reunion Lala Kent was asked the hard questions, and Jax Taylor‘s d–k in a pic was put under harsh scrutiny once again. I can’t imagine how he and Brittany Cartwright get it on considering how fuzzy that thing is – I mean… (I’ll be here all week folks!)
One of the major revelations of last night – and I say this with full and utter complete sincerity – is that James Kennedy and Jax realized they are essentially the same person, separated only by a decade, a sexual conquest number, Botox treatments, and a British accent. And nobody pops the lid off a Jax In The Box quite like a James In The Box!
So, after Jax realizing that he’d spent the reunion sitting next to his evil twin, and recognizing that there is power in numbers, Jax gleefully announced that he welcomes a Return Of The James (the Sequel Part 2) to SUR. Then Andy Cohen asked if James would DJ his birthday party. See – everybody loves sober James!
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James was open-mouth shocked by Andy’s offer. Considering that he’s the World’s Greatest DJ – you’d think James would be used to such adulation and employment opportunities. Didn’t James spin at George Clooney’s wedding? Isn’t he on Justin Timberlake’s latest album? Didn’t he win a Grammy in the category of Best Interlude Outburst for “MORE PUMPTINI! [CLAP! CLAP! CLAP]” Hmph – well I guess Andy is a kind of a big deal.
On that note, and since he’s apparently recovered from his love affair with whiskey and emotional meltdowns, Lisa Vanderpump is considering bringing James back as DJ In Residence. A prestigious honor, no doubt. And obviously, another future opportunity to fire him. Well it’s all coming up roses for James… not so much for Lala!
Oh Lala… La-la-la-la-laaaaaLaaaaa! Whereforart thou Range Rover come? Is it from he? Or ye mommy? Or perhaps modeling?
Now, I like Lala. I do. I love her unruffled feathers flippancy in shutting Stassi Schroeder the hell up. But Lala needs to get over herself. Like skipping Ariana Madix‘s birthday party claiming an panic attack over Jax’s being there, then insisting a weekend at the Beverly Hills Hotel cures said anxiety. Yeah, um… I think that’s what Kim Richards claimed the after night she was arrested for drunkenly assaulting a police officer while in the bathroom there. Maybe I, like the Three-Headed SheBeast, am just jealous that I can’t claim my anxiety is curable only by taking to the spas waters of 5-star hotels.
But Lala, like come on – all of her friends have to sign an NDA to protect her image? Who is she friends with? What does she have to protect? Is her hoo-ha as fuzzy as Jax’s d–k? Who does she think she is, Cate Blanchett? Cate Blanchett is probably not getting high and drunk then sitting “butt-naked” in a bathtub on SnapChat. She’s too busy having an actual career. Maybe Lala is too… doing what I don’t know, but I don’t know all things. I am not Neil deGrasse Tyson. But if I were, I’d be smart enough to choose more trustworthy friends. Basically James would not be making the guest list of my life.
Predictably Lala spent a good portion of the episode under fire for her man and the untold truths surrounding their relationship. Unironically it is Stassi who’s most bothered by Lala keeping her relationship hidden – even though Stassi did the same thing with EXALTED SUPER BEING, PATRICK OF WEHO. Stassi argues that her situation was different because she “begged” Patrick to be on the show, but he refused, so she bended to his will and quit herself of reality TV full of braggadocio about her upcoming Pinterest wedding and HGTV Statement Necklace Creation show (that was never a thing, btw). Then Patrick begged Stassi to go away, so she begged Lisa to return to Vanderpump Rules. See – Stassi does have goals in life! And follow-through!
Lala won’t even reveal if she is still with this man, but she maintains that he’s not married and is tired of being confronted about what the Three-Headed SheBeast “heard” and “thought” and “was told” – because that has really f–ked with Lala’s life in a way that no NDA can protect. Lala tells Stassi that enough is enough and she should worry about her own man-less life in the wilds of online dating apps. Brittany suddenly wonders why everyone is talking about the NBA – like is Lala dating a basketball player?! Oh Brittany… just go focus on keeping your dress closed.
At least Lala can admit when she’s done wrong. And at least we’ve all discovered that Lala’s relationship is so supremely special and fragile and rare, that it must be protected at all costs and is not fit for reality TV – or this mystery man is just not stupid enough to have his muck raked by the likes of Kristen Doute, Mystery Machine. Either way Lala offers a group apology, then excuses herself from SUR forever.
Before Lala leaves, Tom 2 admits he wishes he’d gotten to know the real Lala – who seems really cool, but she had her dukes up from the start. Lala blames it on knowing even before she walked through the doors of SUR the likes of Katie Maloney and such were judging her harshly, so she was always on the defensive. Too bad. Well, I’ll miss Lala. And we were very lucky to be graced by her presence, so here’s her thank you. I certainly hope Stassi sent a Thank You card as well – maybe she can reuse one of Katie and Tom’s leftover $18 towel invitations.
Moving along, Scheana Marie finds herself in a Flat Tummy Fight! Scheana has worked so hard to be fit, and now her friends want to sabotage it by forcing her to binge drink and consume carbs! She won’t be peer pressured into the Taco Tuesday life! Apparently Katie, Stassi and Kristen are offended because Scheana doesn’t party hearty and she’s trying to make them feel bad by constantly mentioning her flat abs. I’m sure you recall, this caused a lot of animus in Montauk where Scheana wouldn’t eat clams or crow.
As an aside, Kristen thought a clambake was hot boxing your mom’s minivan with a ton of weed. Instead she was treated to actual clams. And rosé. BOORING! Scheana also argues with Kristen and Stassi about their hostile takeover of Katie’s bridal shower – Brittany too felt left out of the planning, but at least she didn’t have to pay an equal share for it like Scheana did!
Scheana in a rare moment of clarity and intellect, explains that she does not believe Katie is an alcoholic, but that Tequila Katie does have a drinking problem – as in when Katie drinks it negatively effects her life and relationships. Cue about 3,000 scenes of drunken Katie outbursts and bad behavior, while everyone on stage looks down at their hands uncomfortably.
Katie insists her only problem is bad friends – like Schenaa, not alcohol. Scheana just replies “OK” with a finality that means ‘I’m not having this argument because we both know I’m right, and you’re only trying to bait me to twist things around into me attacking you.’ Or at least that was my interpretation. But Scheana is correct: Katie has the same problems with alcohol someone like James does. Or Lala, who revealed one reason she left the show was because the negativity led to unhealthy drinking habits, further bad behavior, and a stack of NDAs. And just so you know Lala’s boyfriend was SO NOT the reason she has people signing NDA’s. He is so not behind it! He is so sweet, perfect, and innocent, and so not afraid of being exposed! Which is why she left the show.
The last two things on the agenda are Jax reconciling his life to Sherri, Brittany’s conservative Kentucky mom, and Ariana and Stassi’s non-friendship. Or rather Ariana not joining the Cult Of Stassism.
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First a Jax montage about his time in Kentucky called “Jax and Brittany Take Kentucky.” Was it just a montage? Or a future spinoff? A failed spinoff attempt? Whatever – it was it looked very dramatic, and like a Jerry Springer episode in its natural habitat. Obviously I’d watch. It turns out it IS a spinoff – premiering this summer.
Brittany and Jax insist Sherri is not homophobic, but she was concerned about her future son-in-law’s sexual proclivities which even Andy thinks is valid. I understand that, but I still think it was complete BS that Jax and Brittany would plan the Roasting Of Jax while Sherri was visiting, then invite her. Especially knowing that Jax actually needs to rent a storage unit for all the skeletons he keeps in his closet!
Stassi’s brother came out, and that felt all kinds of inappropriate. I don’t think it’s cute that a ten-year-old is dispensing advice to this collective of Failures To Launch, and talking about drinking, boobs, and sex. The Mini Mr. Stassi Schroeder and his budding hubris segment just felt kind of icky. I don’t mean any offense to the little boy – I blame the adults involved (are there any?).
Finally, it’s time for some T&A. Which obviously means Tom 1 and Ariana. After much arguing, they are working on the cocktail book together because Tom’s persistence literally paid off. He’s hoping for similar success in the matter of marriage, but Ariana remains adamantly against marriage in general. Tom gushes about how in love he is with Ariana while trying to avoid eye contact with Kristen’s stink face. Oh she will forevermore be salty about T&A in love – even if that love doesn’t lead to a wedding special. In my fantasy, it does – and the at the last minute Tom 2 will object, and they will become this awkward menage-a-trois with Ariana being both mother and big mama to these wayward boys who love, revere and fear her but have passionate feelings for only each other. Can’t you see it? Or at least see my craziness.
While Ariana may love Tom 1 truly, she has the opposite feelings for Stassi. Which duh. They actually have the same birthday, but along with blonde hair and SUR that’s about all they have in common. How different Stassi and Ariana are from each other should prove right then and there how BS astrology is.
Stassi still doesn’t understand why Ariana refuses to give her a chance. Simply put, Ariana doesn’t trust Stassi, nor does she want to be sucked into Stassi’s sycophantic, victim-seeking, shaming friendship web. After all – look what it did to Scheana! Stassi pretends to be soooooo upset, which is, as Ariana said, more of Stassi manipulating by playing the victim and placing the blame on the actual victim. According to Stassi, Ariana not liking her has nothing to do with Stassi – it’s on Ariana for not appreciating the wonders of Stasis Sophisticado of Statement Necklace Paradise. Just like it’s Patrick’s fault. And it was Katie’s fault, and Jax’s, and LVP’s…
Ariana claims she’s tried with Stassi, but every attempt backfires. Like the ‘breakthrough’ they supposedly had at Katie and Tom’s wedding, which culminated with Stassi bragging that she “finally cracked” Ariana. Ariana found that to be another example of Stassi’s rampant manipulation. Maybe Ariana is overly-defensive, but like she’s said, she’s seen years of Stassi claiming to have changed, yet repeating the same behaviors. And her ‘Yes Women’ Sister Wives Coalition featuring Tom 2, Katie, and Kristen, constantly insists she’s a different person, while backing her antics, yet it always does seem to be the same old Stassi ish. Like now that Stassi’s friendships with Katie and Kristen are back intact, they turned their wrath to Scheana – then blamed Scheana.
So Ariana has sagely seen the writing on the dumpster behind SUR, that Mecca of mystical advice and reasoning, and the Dumpster Heap warned her that a blonde hellcat is in their midst, infiltrating while doing the funky chicken, wearing a bridesmaid’s gown and pretending to feel love, but that taste of blood is always on the tip of her tongue, and it is only a matter of time…
TELL US – SHOULD LISA GIVE JAMES ANOTHER CHANCE? DID LALA MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION IN LEAVING? IS ARIANA TOO JUDGMENTAL OF STASSI?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]