On last night’s Vanderpump Rules we learned that James Kennedy was a very busy boy at Coachella. He managed to ruin his friendship with Lala Kent and cheat on his girlfriend while she was passed out in the next room. Where have we heard that before!?
This is obviously going to be the season of James. So far, he’s the only thing anyone seems to be talking about. So he’s probably correct that everyone is obsessed with him. Congratulations on achieving your ultimate goal, White Kanye!
Only in the SURallel universe that is Vanderpump Rules would your ex-girlfriend, who you cheated on, be orchestrating your surprise engagement party with the girlfriend, now fiance, whom you also cheated on. But here we all are and Lisa Vanderpump is the guest of honor, instead of Britnax’d.
Lisa probably wandered into Jax Taylor‘s apartment and marveled that her own bathroom is bigger than the entire place. Then she decided the ring he gave Brittany Cartwright is obviously cubic zirconium from the Alexis Couture Jesus Barbie Bling Collection sold by Gretchen Christine Bootay. Because no one would spend $70k on a ring while living in a place that has parquet floors. Quelle Whorreur!
Well, Jax proposed, but even he recognizes that this was the easy part. The hard part will be getting through the engagement (including the bachelor party!) without cheating, screwing up, hawking the ring to make bail after he steals designer jeans or something, tripping behind the dumpster at SUR and falling face-first into some girls’ panty-less lap, or beating the ish out of James. Even James predicts that Jax will be a “wonderful first husband.” Oh James… No wonder you weren’t invited!
The engagement night was not perfect anyway. Kristen Doute reared her ugly head to talk crap with Lala about how James infiltrating their group will destroy it with deceit, lies, and arrogance. Mirror, Mirror on the wall – whose got the shadiest past of them all? (Ahem, Kristen!) And really, Kristen brought James around. You, disease spreader, you!
Lala and Kristen vow that James will not get away with mortifying Brittany on their friend watch. He will pay for embarrassing her with the truth! OK, first of all, as I mentioned last week Brittany is not some weakling child who needs this polygamous coven of ‘cool’ mommies to protect her. She is a grown woman, fully capable of making her own bad decisions and suffering as a result. Also, James and the Toms are the single most delightful element of this show. Otherwise, what are we stuck with? Scheana Marie! Krittery Kristen?! Ariana Madix‘s Vagina Diaries?
And if Kristen and Lala really want to save some ta-tas from bad decisions they should focus ALL of their efforts on Raquel Leviss because the girl is drowning haaaaard in tequila-flavored denial. One little confrontation by the dumpsters at SUR is not enough of an intervention! Clearly. Anyway, back to that later, skaters.
In other Jax developments, he hasn’t spoken to his mom in about 6 months. Jax’s parents’ marriage had hit a rough spot and his mom was planning to leave his dad when he was diagnosed with cancer, so she stayed. While Jax’s father was in the ICU dying she never let the kids know so they weren’t able to say goodbye. Jax is hurt that his mom isn’t part of his engagement, but he got over his angst quickly in order to “consummate” it. “Consummate,” a word Katie Maloney had to furiously google the definition of.
As these collective friends watch Jax and Brittany scamper up the stairs, madly in love, most of them believe a new Jax finally has come. “I don’t think any of us are being Jax’d,” insists Lala, “I think he has truly changed.” Well almost everyone believes it, anyway…
Tom 1, Ariana, Lala and Scheana go shopping for PRIDE costumes. This year’s theme is the 80’s. Tom has conceptualized the perfect Jane Fonda Aerobics look to go with his ab thrusts. Seeing Tom in hot pants has everyone discussing the difference in Jax since his father passed away. Except Ariana and Tom aren’t entirely confident in this evolution from douche to devoted. Tom has seen Jax go through phases of enlightenment before. In fact, he has watched those phases wither and die on the bathroom floor of SUR, a cheap hotel in Vegas, on his own sofa… the list goes on.
Meanwhile, across town, Stassi Schroeder comes over to Kristen’s for a mid-day glass of wine. Medicine must be taken on a schedule after all!
Kristen is wearing a shirt that says “James” while talking about James, so clearly the girl has a one track mind and that one track is “OBSESSED.” #RestrainingOrderTime This time she has a bonafide plan to get vengeance for Brittany. “It literally makes my skin crawl and twists my ta-tas to see people get away with shit,” she rants. Again, Kristen forgets everything she herself has gotten away with.
Also in this parallel universe, which we call SUR Behind The Flaming Dumpster Which Smells Of All The Shit, Kristen has a tale to tell. One fine night at Coachella after Raquel went to bed, James hooked up with Raquel’s friend Hope in the next room. This gives me pause BECAUSE: rewind about 5 years (ermmm… 8 years) to that time Kristen slept with Jax while her then boyfriend Tom 1 was in the other room. Twice. Mirror, Mirror on the wall who’s the most hypocritical of all!?
Adding to the irony is that Kristen is telling this story to Stassi, the once girlfriend of Jax who got cheated on BY KRISTEN. Are ratings sinking so much they have to literally regurgitate storylines but change the names? Like maybe this is a Dateline Mystery where they recreate true events, but names have changed to protect the guilty and much better-looking actors play the parts of the real-life people.
According to Hope, who totally confessed everything to Kristen because they are such veeeerrry good friends, she and James have been down-low banging for the two years he’s been with Raquel. Also, James has totally been leading Hope on. How is that even possible? Like was James telling her he was planning to dump Raquel? Like she never would’ve known James had a girlfriend because she obviously doesn’t follow him on Instagram, Twitter, or TELEVISION.
Now Kristen has a plan to expose James and embarrass Raquel the way he embarrassed Brittany. Kristen cackles that Hope will be joining her at PRIDE to confront James and “speak for everyone he has silenced.” While telling Stassi her plan Kristen flexes her muscles and froths at the mouth with excitement envisioning James squirming with terror. Stassi could not get out of there fast enough. She skittered towards the door and practically ran to her car.
Yeah, something tells me I should believe this vengeance is about Brittany, about as much as I should believe Jax is a totally ameliorated man. Because James has apologized (however insincerely) and Brittany seems to have moved on. After all, she’s engaged, in love, and happy. Meanwhile, those bitches are drinking in the middle of the day, while watching Kristen’s dog make a porn with a stuffed animal.
Also shouldn’t Kristen be a little more focused on Carter? Where is he again? Is he dead in their freezer or something?
But back to how Jax has changed! He even goes over to Lisa’s house to beg her to rehire him at SUR. He has a wedding to pay for after all! Lisa points out Jax’s recent confrontation with James, but ultimately says he can come back for PRIDE on a trial basis.
James is completely unaware of the drama he’s stirred up. In fact, he thinks life is perfect. He’s got an apartment with a washer and dryer that isn’t coin-operated, a “supermodel girlfriend,” a golden doodle, and several regular DJ gigs. He also has Tom and Ariana over for dinner, which he cooks. It doesn’t look like throw up on a plate, so things ARE good. Except for his relationships with Jax, Lala, Kristen, Brittany…
James says the group is “like family.” Family fights, so he figures it will all turn out fine. Unfortunately Kristen is coming for him on a crazy train that is going 100 MPH! Choo Choo!
I interrupt this recap to commend Scheana for her awesome 80’s sitcom, OverSURved. It really was the best and I think every episode of Pump Rules needs its own sub-episode of OverSURved.
Of course, the campy ridiculous drama of the ’80s is not the same campy ridiculous drama of the 2018s. And after jumping the fence to sneak in the back ways of SUR, Kristen and Hope accost Raquel while she’s headed to the bathroom. Kristen barely takes a breath as she recounts how James has cheated over and over again. Most recently at Coachella, with Raquel’s very good friend Hope.
Unexpectedly Raquel is calm, collected, and completely non-plussed as she wonders why Hope, who is supposed to be her friend, had sex with James months ago, yet never said anything until she was with Kristen. Raquel’s calmness must be attributed to being sober. She seems like the type who avoids alcohol because of calories. But just so you know HOPE is the victim here, because it was really, really hard for her to tell Raquel all about this in the bathroom of SUR. And she looked so super genuinely upset too. Like, did you see the pain in her eyes?
Kristen also rants that she MADE White Kanye. Therein lies the problem: while Kristen has faded into ObcSURity, James has risen (mostly in his own mind and most of that is through hair gel, but still). And James most definitely lets everyone know they want to be him, sleep with him, spin Solid Gold Scheana Shay singles like him. Why do I hate Scheana for being so self-obsessed, yet love James?!
“It’s a known fact that Kristen is a little deranged,” sighs Raquel.
Raquel flees the bathroom of doom (where Jax’s semen is still probably entrenched in the floorboards) to find James at the back bar, down on his knees begging Brittany and Jax for forgiveness with a giant basket of tequila. Brittany isn’t sure she’ll forgive yet since that’s not her way (rly?), but she will imbibe this delicious Patron!
Poor Raquel, always defending James for his atrocities, swearing that he’s not that man, and constantly denying cheating allegations. She confronts James by screwing up her giant unicorn eyes until glitter squeezes out of the corners. Raquel has the patience of a saint. Or she has been taking lessons from Brittany on the end justifying the means.
Meanwhile, Jax casually watches on, sniffing his pits, and then realizing it’s the bullshit James is spewing to Raquel that stinks. Bullshit he knows all too well from his many, MANY MANYMANYMANYMANY similar altercations. Raquel is the new Stassi!
The drama on this show travels in a straight line from the front bar/DJ station, to the staff bathroom, through the kitchen hallway, outback to the dumpsters where it coagulates into many, many unflattering and regrettable moments, all building upon the previous horrible moments.
That place is a cesspool of ruined lives. Lisa needs a Hazmat crew. Because after learning that Kristen is prowling the premises with Hope, James storms straight to the parking lot looking for a fight. Instead of finding Kristen he finds Lala having her version of a heart-to-heart with Raquel.
Apparently, Lala has also witnessed James cheating with Hope while Raquel was at school. She wants Raquel to stop being so dumb and wake up to the fact that while she was getting her degree, James was getting an education in how to cheat! Lets just all HOPE he wore a condom!
The only person in James’ corner, other than Raquel, is Tom 1. As James blows second-hand smoke at Tom’s poreless skin, Tom 1 points out that there have been a lot of smoking guns indicating the James is not entirely faithful. And even Tom believes that James has probably had the odd liaison or twenty. Of course, just when Tom is calming James down Kristen and Hope walk up. Kristen demands for James to leave. Kristen must’ve forgotten that this isn’t 5 years ago and James works here, not her.
The problem with James is that he can’t quit while he’s ahead. If he just would’ve done like Raquel and not let anger (or alcohol) get the best of him he could’ve spun this to his advantage. Kristen was already looking like a loon for barging into his place of work with another so-called cheatee (you know the same stunt she pulled with Tom 1 many moons ago). But instead, James got trashed. Then, he trashed Lala. He told her to get help and get away from Kristen & Ko (the last part is solid advice). After that he fat-shamed Katie in her green 80’s shorts.
And then Kristen got both her wishes. James looks guilty and got exposed as the horrible mean person he is and he also left SUR. Wearing his puffy 80’s jacket, with matching slouchy neon shorts, James storms down the street, swinging a bottle, and yelling about being F–king James Kennedy. And seriously everyone apparently IS f–king James Kennedy. Except for Kristen, who probably wants to be.
RELATED: Kristen Doute Vows To Take Down James Kennedy; Says He’s “Garbage” & “Another Kind Of Evil”
TELL US – DO YOU BELIEVE HOPE? DID JAMES GO TOO FAR OR WAS HE PROVOKED?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]