Back in the trenches of SUR, the dumpster cesspool is oozing with slime and gooey particles as everyone watches the time bomb that is James‘ sex life explode. After calling Katie Maloney too fat for her green shorts, James storms out. He does a lap around the building and ends up at Jax Taylor‘s little bar shack as he is scrambling to remember what goes in a Pumptini.
Stassi Schroeder is just complaining about James being unhinged, and like that moment in a horror movie where you just know the heroine (it pains me to compare Stassi to a heroine) is about to get killed, James lurks right behind wielding an insult about dildos. Does it have spikes – we know Stassi loves those sort of things as weapons!
Then he storms away again. James is looking for Raquel Leviss. But Raquel is occupied. First by Scheana Marie who just wants to be loved even if it means telling everyone what they want to hear. Then by Hope who just wants to be on TV. Kristen Doute smirks as Raquel asks to speak to Hope privately. Kristen is relishing the moment when Raquel realizes how James has been playing her for all these years. Hope tells Raquel that she has been sleeping with James on and off for 3 years, and that the entire time he pretended Raquel wasn’t really his girlfriend. Raquel isn’t sure who is lying.
In the middle of all of this Lisa Vanderpump arrives. Trailing her hot pink gown, which looks exactly like a robe Blanche Devereaux would wear to attract suitors in her 1980’s boudoir! Lisa realizes immediately that James is on the edge of an apocalyptic meltdown. That they are seconds away from this becoming a bad karaoke version of Lady Gaga‘s anthem. James will fall off the mountain into vat of backwashed pumptini and the now hopeless tears of wannabe TeeVee stars. So Lisa sends Raquel to calm the beast. To stroke his forelock of fluffy hair and reassure him James is still the stallion of his mind. It works. Momentarily. Because how can anyone be mean to Raquel? She’s like an anime Bambi.
“The bottom line,” shrugs Raquel, “is that I want to be with James.” Too bad no one wants her to be with James and will stop at nothing to break them up! (Do Kristen and Katie just want to kidnap James and keep him as their little slave? To take over his apartment with the washer/dryer to use as their witches lair, and this can only be accomplished if Raquel is out of the way?
Tom 2 did the Octomom equivalent of “baby shots” at Pride and now has a middle-aged sized hangover. Katie is making a smoothie while insisting that she so does not care that James called her fat. She just wants Tom 2 to care, but he can barely muster the energy to roll over in his muumuu. These two are so depressing and tragic. Just yuck! This is not the exciting lifestyle I want on TV. Why are we supposed to be interested in this prequel to a midlife crisis that is Tom and Katie’s inevitable spiral onto Marriage Bootcamp and then divorce?
Meanwhile, James is assembling something from iKea while having important life altering conversions with Raquel. On his ‘relationship’ with Hope: although they had sex 2 and a half years ago, she is a stalker, and he has never cheated. On his relationship with alcohol: he knows it is so, so, so bad for his conscience but so, so, so, good for his reality TV career. Or is it!? Because Peter Madrigal calls to tell James he is henceforth “disinvited” from his birthday party after his this issues at PRIDE. “Actions have consequences,” muses Raquel as if talking to a child. James claims he just didn’t realize how much he was drinking, but Raquel insists that’s not true. She wants him to quit drinking completely.
OK, hold the phone – literally – how exactly is James the only one facing consequences? I get it that this is a joint party with Carter, that ghost of a man whom Kristen is supposedly madly in love with, so obviously James cannot attend. But Kristen stormed into James’ work, swinging this sidepiece, Hope, like the hot accessory of 3 seasons ago, and dangling an accusation of James cheating. How is James the only one taking flak? Also, I actually like Raquel. I think she is good for James.
Since Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills is hopefully soon upon us Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave makes a cross-over appearance to ask Lisa about her brother Hud working at SUR. Hud just moved to LA, already has the perfect wannabe actor name, and needs to stop loafing around. Unfortunately, this just makes Lisa think of her own brother’s untimely death and she becomes understandably emotional. Poor Lisa. Just so heartbreaking. It makes me feel groddy to then have to switch to discussing how fake Scheana Marie is. But alas, she is, and it is an enduring and everlasting theme of this show where the more things change the more they stay, dishearteningly, the same.
Scheana is now dating Adam Spott. Brittany Cartwright is not surprised, because even when Scheana was entering Rob Valetta in TV hanging contests on American Sadiators, she always was making goo-goo eyes at Adam’s hot bod. Hopefully, he won’t cheat on her! (You know that accusation is coming…)
At Carter and Peter’s birthday party Stassi wonders what Scheana thinks of the whole James–Raquel–Hope love triangle. Scheana doesn’t know. She like thinks James cheated for sure, but also not as much as Hope says because Hope makes things up and James also cheats, so she’s not sure if the hope or the dashed hopes came first – like the chicken and the egg. “Did Scheana did just flip flip on flip flopping,” Stassi fumes. A: Yes.
Since everyone must do what Stassi says at all times, and consider her the LVP Jr – all knowing, all seeing Magic Hate Ball of reason, rationality, and relationships she tells Scheana the no one wants to be her friend because she’s constantly telling everyone what they want to hear but isn’t be loyal to anyone. Why do these friendships require unbridled loyalty? Also Scheana is loyal to the most important person in her life – Herself!
Poor Scheana – not even Ariana Madix wants to be her friend. Ariana and Stassi are now teaming up for the ultimate birthday bonanza. Stassi is overjoyed that for once all her stalking paid off and she has worn the victim down into acquiescence. See, Hope and Kristen, this is how you do it! Take Stassi’s “Stalking 101” seminar on YouTube and you’ll be golden. Scheana now worries that Ariana and Stassi are now talking to each other about her the way she’s talked about them and now she’ll be on the outs even with Ariana.
Scehana’s worries validated when literally right in front of her Katie plans a girls night and ices Scheana out. Ariana is fine with this, because Scheana’s frenemy issues are her own to work out. Apparently Katie believes all of her problems of the last two years arose from her friendship with Scheana and since working really hard on herself, she doesn’t want that in her life. Oh, so this is a renewed and positive Katie were seeing, is it? Um… that’s like James-level delusion, minus the fun zaniness.
Also Ariana has been hanging out with the Three-Headed SheBeast for about 3 seconds, and how quickly she’s become one of them. They are a toxic insurgency of bad girldom, and Katie’s “Feminist” shirt is a joke. It couldn’t be more ironic if Jax wore it. Speaking of Jax he has now accomplished the milestone goal of getting his job back at SUR, which he needs after spending all his money on Brittany’s ring. What a catch that guy is. SO glad Neptune’s Nest was serving sea douche that day.
In other money making ventures Jax and Brittany are starting a MamMaw’s Beer Cheese company. Cause paying for your wedding with curdled, moldy milk enzymes is definitely delicious! Brittany has big dreams of doing gourmet versions and bringing this ancient custom from a land hidden from modern influences to the LA foodie scene. Girl, Beer Cheese has been around forever. Get over yourselves.
Since getting engaaaaaaaayged and having Jax as her fiaancaaaaay Britany has now become a cheating expert. While sampling cheeses she and Jax compare their cheating drama to that of James and Raquel. Jax and Brittany both agree he is a better man for admitting to cheating and only doing it one time. Erm, only getting CAUGHT one time. And that’s with Brittany. “He uses the word ‘sorry’ like it’s nothing,” Jax complains about James. “Why would you want to be with someone where everybody hates your boyfriend.” Pot meet kettle. Jax says he always wanted to be a better person, unlike James who doesn’t. Is Jax serious?
They both think Raquel is just dumb, so Brittany decides to pity invite on girl’s night so she knows that if she dumps James they’ll all rally around her in support. Here is the thing: Jax not only cheated, he was recorded saying he didn’t find Brittany attractive and didn’t want to marry her. Yet everyone supported her decision to stay with him and is now over the moon about this engagement, yet they all keep calling Raquel dumb, stupid, clueless, and in denial for staying with James.
How did Brittany go from the wounded babe in arms of the She-Beast, to the savior of Raquel? (eye roll)
To celebrate Jax’s return to SUR, Tom1, Tom 2, and Tom 1’s dad come for lunch. Low and behold James is DJing, of course. Tom 2 realizes he has to say something to defend Katie, so he shuffles to the DJ booth in his version of a knight in shining armor. In shiny track pants to run away quickly if it gets hot. James is prepared with his schtick apology about how when he drinks he says regrettable things and he’s working on it, but Tom wants him to say, “Katie’s not fat – she’s sexy and luscious.” James refuses. OMG I am vomiting in my mouth like I just drank that used beer Tom 2 found on the table at Pride.
Everyone wears ball gowns to girls night for some reason, and Ariana is wearing a thong under a see-thru lace dress? Wasn’t she crying about not wanting people looking at her body last season? UGH. Just as Stassi is feeling excited about a night where she does’t have to listen to the constant click of Scheana’s nails on her iPhone, Britany drops the bomb that Raquel is coming. Brittany thinks they need to strive to understand her; to get inside her head where a tiny puff of glittery cloud says “BRAIN” in pink swirly letters. Why would someone so prettily pure hitch her pony saddle onto James to ride off over the rainbow?
To her credit Ariana is the only one receptive to Brittany’s idea that Raquel needs girlfriends. I think Raquel has friends. She just went away to college, it’s not like she moved here from Kentucky to live with a guy she met on Instagram after seeing him on TV.
When Raquel walks in Kristen looks like she just got caught having sex in James‘ Beamer again. Then she, Stassi, and Katie run to the bar to talk shit about Raquel. When they come back to the table everyone forces Raquel to defend her relationship and James. As if all of them haven’t cheated or been with men who have cheated and mistreated women. I mean Tom 2 dumped beer on Katie’s head!
Raquel insists that James is like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde when he drinks. Stassi is empathetic because she sees her relationship with Patrick Meagher in the ways Raquel defends James and covers up his bad behavior. Katie, however, is furious that James is getting away with mistreating her at work.
The next day Katie goes to Lisa and gives her an ultimatum: if James stays at SUR after calling her fat, she’s leaving. Lisa is conflicted. She wants Katie to remain employed there, but James’ DJ gigs bring in a ton of people. Plus, it’s not like Katie is going to convince Bravo to fire him! Also really considerate considering that Lisa is still reeling from the death of her brother. Katie is getting too big for her britches it seems!
I’m sorry – I don’t get the vested effort in trying to take James down. It seems so… unnecessary. He pretty much leaves everyone alone unless they strike at him. Obviously Kristen wants to control him and doesn’t want him independent in the group. She probably also misses the excitement. Let’s face it Carter is like dating your dad.
No, James shouldn’t have body shamed Katie, but why are they all up in his personal life; provoking him into rage, then pretending to be hurt and disgusted when he ruptures. James’s behavior is not excusable, but they are misrepresenting what happened. They ganged up on James, bullied him about his sex life, harassed Raquel, and are defending Kristen’s underhanded behaviors. Also for Katie to act like she, Stassi and Kristen haven’t offended everyone at SUR with their comments… um, TEQUILA Katie, anyone?! Yeah, pathetic.
TELL US – SHOULD JAMES BE FIRED? IS HE MISTREATING RAQUEL?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]