Katie Maloney & Kristen Doute - Vanderpump Rules

Last night we got a psychology lesson about how the brain works on Vanderpump Rules. For whatever reason associating with Kristen Doute, Stassi Schroeder, and Katie Maloney transforms people into the most primal version of themselves – the hideous, scaly monster insider of us all who is operating in a pure rage-mode known as The Reptilian Brain. Either this, or being on reality TV keeps one in a constant stasis of fight with Katie or flight from Katie (on a PJ?!).

The only people NOT using their reptilian brains last night were Tom 1 and … get ready for this: JAX TAYLOR. I mean Jax is literally a reptile. A dinosaur, actually; all gnashing teeth with a brain the size of a peanut despite his enormous hulk. It’s all feed me, f*ck me, leave me… But last night Jax got in touch with his, maybe, Dolphin Brain? I say dolphins because they are a conscious, considerate, evolved species who care for their loved ones.

So as Brittany Cartwright sat moaning in pain from wisdom teeth extraction, Jax made sure she had all her creature comforts: beer cheese and tequila in a baby bottle, a blanket of dogs, and access to her Instagram account. This guy – so ready for marriage and parenthood, y’all! We’ll get back to that idea lates.

And now some other relationships in this cesspool of crocodile mating we call Vanderpump Rules.

Why are we suddenly, after 3 years, supposed to care about Carter? Cause we don’t. Or at least I don’t. First of all, after watching Kristen self-destruct/destroy her two previous relationships the consensus is that anyone who dates Kristen is a bonafide crazy who kinda sorta deserves it. It’s not like Carter didn’t have the ability to DO RESEARCH by watching her on TV. And it is not like reverse Catfishing is a thing wherein the person appears to be a batshit lunatic on the internet – stalking, harassing, and scheming – but in reality is a very nice, civil, and normal human being. Nope, my friends, that does not happen. Not even if you’re a Kardashian!

Suddenly all we’re hearing about is what a turd Carter is. How Carter lives off Kristen’s money. He even stole her entire wallet to go on vacation leaving her without so much as a driver’s license or debit card. That sounds like a bad boyfriend urban legend. Apparently, he doesn’t work and is constantly verbally and emotionally abusive. Yet instead of being supportive of her leaving all of Kristen’s friends (i.e. Katie and Stassi) constantly berate her about how she needs to dump Carter.

Now listen, even Godzilla wouldn’t take relationship advice from Katie. Stassi at least is now in a functional – for now! – relationship with Beau. She seems to have genuinely learned from her debacles with ReptiJax and Patrick. But, Katie is non-married to Tom 2 who dressed like a human carrot to go a relationship summit, which only means one thing: he wishes to hide underground to escape Katie. Or that he’s colorblind in addition to being clearly stupid.

Anyway, I don’t care about Kristen and Carter. Especially because Kristen admits that being in her late-30’s (in LA), she’d rather marry Carter than be alone. Charming. Get these two a wedding spinoff STAT! Actually, I sort of feel like my reptilian brain is telling me this is all a conspiracy. Like Kristen was going to be demoted (FACT) so Katie and Stassi conspired with her to create a reason to keep Kristen full-time: enter relationship drama with Carter and possibly a wedding announcement. Except I really, really don’t care.

Ariana Madix - Vanderpump Rules

Moving along Ariana Madix is an asshole to Tom’s needs, wants, and desires. Is she just using him to further her dreams of homeownership? Ariana’s version of growing up is not getting married and having kids, but property ownership and financial security. Ariana wants a house – not a nicer apartment. I think those are awesome goals, but it’s clear she can’t get there without Tom 1 also contributing financially.

Ariana also tells us that when Tom starts talking about his goals (global cocktail empire?) she just keeps her airpods in, tuned to classical music, so she can tune him out. Which is why Ariana doesn’t hear Tom when he expresses just how important it is to him to somehow have children: adoption, pregnancy, whatever – he just wants to be a dad. Ariana’s totally mature response is to sulk, roll her eyes, and tell Tom he’s not allowed to talk about her uterus to other people. Absolutely it is Ariana’s body and uterus, and everyone should keep their opinions out of it.

Except her PARTNER is actually allowed to discuss this with her as his life is potentially affected too. Plus, this is a theme with Ariana: anytime she doesn’t want to talk about something she turns it into a spiel about how people are violating her private space. Like I can cheat on my man with my friend, but if he talks about it he’s violating my sexuality. Now if Tom expresses a desire to have children he’s violating her uterus. Ariana doesn’t have to want kids, but Tom doesn’t have to NOT want kids. He’s also allowed to verbalize this very complex situation, in which he will potentially have to decide between the woman he loves and the future he envisions for himself.

I also hear Ariana’s frustration that people keep asking her why she doesn’t want kids, and giving their opinions about it.  Especially when that person is Jax. The relationship-raptor. If either Jax or Katie ever try to give you relationship advice, definitely put your airpods in! Do not let them think you have any consideration for what they say, because if just one time you pretend to take them seriously they will never backoff! Ariana asks Tom to tell his friends to stop talking bout it, so he does, but then later Jax apologizes to Ariana for discussing her uterus by going on a tangent about how she needs to consider parenthood for Tom’s sake. Oh Jax…

Lala Kent was broken up with Rand for about 6 seconds before she turned his drunken promise-violating party into “Living his best life!” She blames her reptile brain for taking over her reasoning skills: after all one role in a C-list horror movie does not a closet full of designer purses make! This transformation from break-up to makeup actually happened when Rand returned Lala’s Gucci slides and bought her another purse.

When Tom 1 tells James Kennedy about Lala’s split from Rand, James cackles wildly because Lala used to always scream at Rand, and dump him, until he bought her something. James is so delighted by this news he nearly crashes his car, then drops a golf ball on the floor under the foot pedals. This is the transformation he was promising Lisa Vanderpump?! Actually, James decides he’ll prove to Lisa how much he’s grown by participating in grown-up, sober hobbies such as golf. He actually was calling Tom to arrange a golf day for the guys – none of whom golf except Jax, who agrees to go for the free tee time.

Lala Kent - Vanderpump Rules

Lala meets Stassi for a hair refresh and is already joking about her breakup from Rand, and bragging about their corrosive and f–ked up relationship. For instance, the night they met Lala bleeped him, so Rand bought her a Range Rover. Then Lala got an audition for, The Row, a movie he produced.  This is the pattern. The other pattern is when she senses his attention straying, she practices her acting skills by dressing in some character, meeting Rand at a hotel bar, and then begging “Daddy” to do things to her butthole, or vice versa. All in exchange for high priced goods. PJ’s, Prada, and Porsches and Prostitution! Even Stassi looks appalled. Either because, in all her years of living in LA, she never figured that out, or because well, it’s pretty appalling.

Now Lala is ready to spread her wings from SUR to walk the red carpet for her very first movie premiere. Since the only thing Rand won’t do for her is appear on this show, we never got to see the premiere, but we did get to see the aftermath of the girls getting drinks with Katie screaming at Kristen about how much Carter sucks. If only he bought her things instead of the other way around!

Stassi Schroeder & Beau Clark

More and more Stassi is appreciating Beau; a normal man with a loving mother who is also normal. Stassi meets her “future mother-in-law” and has an immediate connection, bonding over their shared love of Beau. I don’t know which made me gag more: Lala talking about Rand, or Stassi gushing more than a Hallmark movie bout Beau. Either way that leads us to Beau’s mom, a therapist, coming to Kristen’s apartment to conduct a group couple’s experiment workshop on how the Reptilian Brain destroys love. My husband is a former counselor, and he confirms the reptilian brain concept is a very real thing, and I did like Beau’s mom’s explanation for how it affects relationships, but with this group there is only one brain: reptilian!

Beau Clark's mother - Vanderpump Rules

Everyone is in awe of this self-discovery for about 5 minutes until Carter finds Katie and Stassi sitting on his bed, talking about how much he sucks, and confronts them. He thinks they’re toxic and ruining his relationship with Kristen by being such shitty friends that every time she comes home from hanging out with them (all day, every day since no one has jobs to speak of), she vents until they wind up in a fight. Which came first: Kristen being shitty, or Kristen being surrounded by shitty people and acting shitty. Also, who is the shittiest of the shitty? So many questions!

Kristen Doute & Brian Carter - Vanderpump Rules

Predictably Stassi and Katie freak out, start screaming at Carter and demanding explanations from Kristen. Like how dare they be blamed for anything. What they are doing is called “SUPPORTIVE FRIENDSHIP” when all she does is complain about him being a scrub.

Katie Maloney & Stassi Schroeder - Vanderpump Rules

Carter doesn’t back down, but instead, he reminds Katie that her marriage = fiasco, and that before her wedding she and Tom were fighting so much over her terrible behavior, Tom 2 almost left her! In response Katie storms out, muttering that people “have amnesia” …. Yes, SHE certainly does! Tom 2 decides that he’d rather hang out with people he likes than chase down Ragimoto Katie, so he stays put having drinks and chatting with Scheana Marie. Those are some sad options…

Katie Maloney Storms Out

Stassi is mortified that Beau’s mother has to see her in this situation, but if the woman is a therapist she’s probably overjoyed by the dysfunction. Also, Kristen suddenly decides to sage Stassi,  to clear her bad energy, because 5 minutes of talking to Beau’s mom has Kristen cured of reptilian brain and transformed into “Gandhi” (according to Stassi). Sageing is just a fancy way of telling Stassi and Katie they stink as friends.

In the middle of everything, Tom and Ariana meet in the kitchen for a heart-to-heart. Tom tells Ariana that in no uncertain terms he will have kids, so she can choose to be a part of it, or she can stay around but ignore the kid completely while he does all the work, or she can leave. This is apparently the words Ariana has been waiting to hear: that instead of discussing her uterus, Tom will make all the decisions by doing his own thing and expecting her to concede. I’m confused, but so long as they’re happy!


[Photo Credits: Bravo]