Lisa Vanderpump, Kyle Richards, Dorit Kemsley - Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: Textsssnicalities

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills the dissecting of doggate and what LISA VANDERPUMP knows continued in full-force. I am just so over this storyline and this same old nonsense. Already I am Loosy Loosey Losty Attention for Lucy Lucy Apple Juice!

In other news Kyle Richards, the eight circle of hell, dropped another daughter off at college. Also Denise Richards decided to get married to Aaron Phypers approximately 10 minutes after his divorce from Nicollette Sheridan was finalized. Why is she not on this show?

The morning of Sophia Umansky’s departure to DC for college Kyle runs around crying about how she is losing 1/2 of her body to an advanced degree. We have literally heard Kyle do the exact same spiel about how she never went to college so this so special but also sooo hard because she has anxiety… the two other times a kid left her.

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And of course, they come back into the fold of Mauricio Umansky’s wallet and Kyle’s Chanel clutch. Oh wait, did that get stolen? These kids are not stupid – why live in a dorm crunching across puke-stained berber carpet when you can live in Redondolous Beach with mommy and daddy’s fortress of finance?

To hasten the pace with which Sophia returns to the future sequel of Grey Gardens (where Mauricio exists as a garden gnome), Kyle cuts off Sophia’s credit card and mentions the word “budget.”

Kyle Richards - Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills

Anyway, Sophia is pretending she wants independence, but Kyle is not having it. “To think that this child that I carried in my stomach for nine months is now leaving. It’s really hard for me to digest that,” Kyle sobs. Do we think Kyle realized what a terrible pun she made? Nevertheless, Kyle leaves Sophia in DC after a last supper of “filet – really, really well-done.” Which is also how Erika Girardi ordered LVP to end this season.

I do think Kyle, for all her many (MANY!) faults has a sweet family. So look I found a positive in Kyle. Don’t worry – I won’t get carried away with my praise of Kaftans By BadFriendsToo.

Lisa Rinna & Denise Richards - Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills

Lisa Rinna meets Denise for a hike and Lipsa is wearing a tank top filled with ghostly images of Erika Jayne patting the puss. So creepy – like Erika is always watching. From all angles. Thankfully Denise doesn’t care about doggate. Instead, she shares the news that Aaron’s divorce is finally finalized so they’re going to get married.

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Dorit Kemsley and PeeKaaaaay pretend they have been working hard all day and now need a relaxing glass of wine, but really they’ve both just been avoiding each other on opposite ends of the soon-to-be-foreclosed mansion and are now fulfilling their contractual obligation to talk shit about LVP on television. PeeKaaaay looks like a deflated whoopee cushion. Whatever is coming out of his mouth sounds like crap too.Dorit & PK Kemsley - Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills

Peekaaaaay is worried that if Dorit doesn’t fix things she’ll be made to look bad. Because “LVP is a genius at manipulation and control. She’s the best in the world at it.”

Somewhere Vladimir Putin is offended by LVP usurping his crown.  “I would just like a little bit of honesty,” agrees Dorit, who believes that LVP is 100% lying. Um, Dorit … I’d like a little bit of honesty from you. And I’m sure your creditors agree! #BankruptcyBeach

Just to remind everyone: this entire fight is NOT about Dorit doing a horrible thing in abandoning a dog in unsafe circumstances, then lying to her friend about it and potentially damaging her businesses’ reputation. Instead it’s about whether or not LVP wanted people to KNOW Dorit dumped the dog. Oh and also if Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave, a professional accountability coach (aka a professional internet meme about how stupid internet jobs are) was duped into being part of telling people what Dorit did at the behest of Lisa acting in secret using her two gossiping employees. Oh, I’m sorry John Sessa is not an employee but a part-owner and a DOCTORATE.

RELATED: Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills- Kyle Richards Says There’s “Much More To The Story” With Those Texts From Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave

Then Teddi drove all the way to Pasadena to seek advice from Erika on how to proceed with exposing Lisa. I think Teddi has full amnesia. Erika likes Teddi now that she’s “going up against Lisa Vanderpump” which she equates to Teddi finding her voice. I love how finding a mutual enemy draws former enemies closer together. Look at all the good LVP does!

Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave & Erika Girardi - Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills

They seek solace in Tom’s mausoleum Erika’s chapel where they go to talk shit about LVP. Maybe they feel that’s where they have the best chance of being forgiven and saved? But pssst… Jesus doesn’t like fake bitches! Here under the auspices of a higher power – Erika’s judgmental stare – Teddi is compelled to admit that, just maaaaybe, she’s not that innocent in all this.

According to “Miss-fucking-accountability!” she got carried away and was trapped in a gossip web, almost going through with the horrible HORRIBLE deed of TELLING EVERYONE what Dorit did. “She fed me information – I bit,” Teddi says of LVP’s involvement.

Even though Erika doesn’t believe that Teddi is as innocent as she’s portraying and is suspect by Teddi even agreeing to involve herself on any level, she agrees to back Teddi in exposing the truth about LVP’s role.

I am so confused about why Teddi doesn’t realize she’s basically a dog on a leash being led from one so-called manipulation plot to the next. Nw Erika and Lipsa are manipulating her to ‘tell her truth.’ Also, why is Teddi so dug into this story? Something is not adding up. I better turn to Aaron for some numerology on this!

RELATED: Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills- Lisa Rinna Claims Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave Has Been Set Up By Lisa Vanderpump- Just Like She Was

Over at Villa Rosa, there is a gap wider than the straining buttons on LVP’s hot pink blouse between her version of events and Teddi’s. And that gap must be filled with the mysterious John Blizzard breaking his silence!  Switching into Vanderpump Rules mode LVP has Blizzard visits, sedates the swans, and lectures him on making her life unnecessarily complicated by gossiping to Teddi thus conflating the information to make it look like SHE wanted the story planted like an ever-blooming rose bush. The fact that LVP does not offer Blizzard tea or refreshment points to how unhappy she is about this.

Good to know LVP is expanding from rescuing dogs to rescuing Lizards. Or Blizzards rather and one John certainly needs pulling out of the swamp!

Back on subject! According to Lisa one night there was a fight between John Sessa and Ken about how to handle Dorit’s Doggy Dumping. God … am I really writing about this STILL? Lisa, annoyed and frustrated, snapped, “I don’t care if you tell Donald Trump!” Donald Trump would so pardon Dorit. This “innocuous statement” ( a classic LVP turn of phrase to Zhou-zhou out of her manipulating) somehow became the catalyst for John Sessa deciding that Lisa decreed tell everyone – especially Teddi! 

“I put words in your mouth that you never said,” Blizzard admits. Blizzard vows that he will never put Lisa’s name to anything unless it is a puppy pad called “The Dorit.” And from now on Teddi will not be involved in Vanderpump Dogs so she can kiss that spinoff check good-bye! I do wonder if Teddi’s brother is still working at TomTom… where there is another rumored spinoff in the works! Ooohhh… the plot thickens like Teddi’s aversion to béchamel sauce!

RELATED: Kyle Richards Shared Lisa Vanderpump’s Retweet To Fire Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Cast

Upon hearing from Blizzard just how much of a willing participant Teddi was, Lisa is appalled.

Likewise, Teddi is so obsessed with beating LVP to the punch. So, she calls Kyle in DC under the guise of wondering how she’s handling Sophia leaving. However, Teddi really just wants to discuss LVP being manipulative and shady. Don’t worry! Kyle is always up for that convo!

Kyle, who prefaces any nasty comment with claims about how much she LOOOOOVES Lisa, advises Teddi to always be thinking about LVP’s next move and watch her back. Of course, Kyle relishes that she will be forced to choose sides between them – just like old times with Kim and Kathy. Did Lisa steal Kyle’s god-damn spinoff?!

So this is pretty much all we’re going to talk about this season, isn’t it? Every episode is going to be a rehash of the previous one until we are just calling Dorit “Doggy” and LVP “Manipupump.”

It’s like, go on a hike: Oh LVP sometimes trods out of doors. Have a cup of coffee: why is LVP up in my grind? Go take a poop: LVP gave me diarrhea of the mouth! Eat lunch: LVP made me have a carb! Saddle up a horse: LVP made my horse give me an allergic reaction because she has a horse and she made her horse mind control mine! LVP this; LVP that… it’s the song that never ends, and LVP should start asking for a dollar every time they say her name. She could pay back all Dorit’s creditors! And Erika’s too.

RELATED: Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills- Lisa Vanderpump Shares Her Side Of The Dog Adoption Drama With Dorit Kemsley

OMG, you guys Lisa Rinna is in CVLUX Magazine. Is that like something you find in a CVS next to the blood pressure machine? Or the waiting room of a bikini wax salon? For this occasion, Lipsa borrowed Erika’s B-List glam squad, the understudy glams. And of course, they’re talking about LVP. Ironically the theme of the photo shoot is high fashion in the garden… so essentially Lipsa is doing a photoshoot about LVP’s life? Imitation is the highest form of flattery, right!

While playing with hoses and exposing her crotch in a ballgown, Lipsa lectures us on how to a live, ignoring age and the ravages of time. “Be tenacious,” she demands. “And just stay in the game.” No matter who you have to cheat to win, right!

To cement her new friendship with Erika and Dorit, Teddi invites them to indulge in one of her passions: horseback riding. How lovely! Why the hell was Dorit wearing such a goofy outfit? Especially to end up in a western saloon after moseying down a dusty trail. Dorit looks like a parody of a 1940’s equestrian. We know she bought those Chanel suspenders in Chinatown, and that her Duchess Kate hairstyle is a weave.

Surprisingly LVP and doggate didn’t come up once although Dorit did muse that it is “so nice to be with women who don’t take jabs!” Which is hilarious considering that the past two seasons it has been nothing BUT jabs from Dorit to Erika and Teddi!

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Instead, they spent the majority of ‘dinner’ drinking margaritas the size of Dorit’s debt and dissecting how they lie to their husbands about how wonderful they are in order to manipulate them. Erika says Tom wants a woman who is “soft, slow, and sweet” but instead he got Erika Jayne. She thinks he loves both of them. But Erika is really trying to convince us that her marriage is wonderful this season, isn’t she? Where pray tell is old Tom, though!

Denise and Aaron go get a double, triple, entire bottle of tequila date to celebrate their engagement. Denise literally looks like she rolled out of bed. I think Aaron is wearing more makeup than she is. Or he at least managed to find an iron. But look they also found each other!

Aaron describes his marriage to Nicolette as “such a letdown” so he’s surprised he wants to get married again. Double Surprise: They realize the only date available is in 10 days. Aaron thinks it’s a sign because the numerology of the date equals infinity. Denise decides that since she has infinity baggage between her kids, her ex, and her mess of a life. Why not seize the day? But, to her credit, Denise laughs at Aaron’s boho mumbo-jumbo.

After feeling like she cemented a bond with Erika and Teddi, Dorit goes over to LVP’s hoping for a free lunch. At 4PM. Girl — can you not afford a drive-through? A LaraBar? Kyle is also coming and the purpose of this get-together is not to indulge in a late boozy lunch, but for LVP to set them straight on Teddi’s role in doggygate by producing the trump card: THE TEXTESSSS. In font so huge I can read them without the camera even zooming in. Success.

RELATED: Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills- Dorit Kemsley Thinks Kyle Richards Tried To Keep The Dog Drama Going

Lisa Vanderpump Texts - Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills

Dorit and Kyle wear matching shades of bright pink, while Lisa wears purple and black. Kyle is unimpressed by the reveal as she has already seen the same texts on Teddi’s phone. She is insistent that the texts seem to indicate that the Johns were being advised to tell Teddi by someone.

Kyle also wonders about LVP’s warning to Dorit that Teddi knew. Because how would she know that Teddi knew if she wasn’t telling the Johns to tell Teddi? Um, I thought we covered that Sessa told LVP and then LVP told Dorit.

Dorit Kemsley - Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills

Dorit though is aghast by the texts. She was utterly convinced by Teddi’s conviction of honesty and fidelity. You’d think a fellow liar could spot each other out, but apparently not so!

So after declaring that she will have to choose sides between warring friends, Kyle – who is not at all manipulative – decides everyone should squash the fight because what matters is that the dog is safe. This is Kyle’s attempt to pivot because she initially bet on Teddi and Dorit taking down LVP. Now, she’s worried that Dorit and LVP might re-join ranks to turn against Teddi.

Look to be clear – I do not think LVP’s hands are entirely clean. She is certainly more involved than she is letting on. And she should own up to it. However, I do not think it is the big, enormous conspiracy these women are making it out to be! And honestly, I just don’t like Teddi on principal now. Something stinks — and it ain’t puppy poop!

RELATED: Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills- Kyle Richards Thinks Lisa Vanderpump Orchestrated Dog Drama With Dorit Kemsley


[Photo Credits: Bravo]