Real Housewives Of Dallas Recap: Undead Dramas

I don’t know what is going on with Real Housewives Of Dallas, but the prevailing theme this year seems to be how LeeAnne Locken deals with her ghosts, vs. how everyone else deals with their ghosts. Last night LeeAnne, once again, tangled with Kary Brittingham over the past, who had it worse and who handles it better – and that past includes what to do with the problem of D’Andra Simmons.

LeeAnne’s nonstop wedding festivities are taking a toll on everyone, that’s for sure!

In between partying and being a Real Housewife, Brandi Redmond finds time to be an actual housewife by taking her girls to cheerleading practice. Brooklyn and Brinkley have a try-out coming up. They get gymnastics lessons and one-on-one coaching. In contrast, Brandi recalls how she taught herself back walkovers by throwing herself over the hill near her trailer park.

Watching her girls, inspries Brandi to hop out on the practice mat with them, and this was really cute. First of all, I’m impressed Brandi can still do those handsprings! Even if Brooklyn complains that her form is “horrible.”

I’m also impressed that Brandi literally taught herself everything, yet rose to Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader lever. I like seeing this determined side of Brandi.

Brandi doesn’t care if Brooklyn makes the team, but she does care that her daughters feel confident. Oh, Brooklyn certainly doesn’t seem to struggle in that department…

RELATED: Real Housewives Of Dallas Star Brandi Redmond Responds To Fans Who Criticized Her 10-Year-Old Daughter

Stephanie Hollman decides to try again to mend her friendship with Kameron Westcott. So, they meet for coffee. You know this is gonna be a mess because Kam is involved and she, like many robots, hears the words coming into her internal systems, but can’t actually compute them. It’s like arguing with Siri.

For dramatic effect, there was a thunderstorm during this meeting. I like to imagine some Bravo producer was standing just out of screen, shaking one of those thunder-sheets ala a high school drama department, because that’s about the maturity of this conversation (OK, mostly the Kam part of this conversation).

No matter what Stephanie says, Kam cycles back to how Stephanie should have told Brandi to stop yelling “F–ing” in Kam’s face, and shouldn’t have confided in to Kary about her feelings, making Kam feel like the bastard-child of friendships. Kam thinks Stephanie is afraid of upsetting Brandi. Even though Stephanie came chasing after Kameron post-argument, while leaving Brandi to wander off on a Mexican beach ALONE (twice) to be eaten by dinosaurs or human trafficked. She is small enough to be rolled up in a tortilla and turned into a burrito. A spicy, ginger, trashy burrito heaped with cheese and edible glitter. Also probably cocktail wienies.

Isn’t this what Kam always does with LeeAnne? I.E. not defending her other friends for fear of upsetting LeeAnne! Stephanie and Kameron are having two different arguments. Kameron is arguing in defense of her personal relationship with Stephanie and hurt feelings. Stephanie is trying to teach Kameron a lesson about classicism and empathy. Which winds up with Stephanie accidentally telling Kameron that she didn’t feel comfortable confiding in her because their friendship doesn’t go deeper than a Pumpkin Spice Latte.

RELATED: Real Housewives Of Dallas Star Kameron Westcott Says Stephanie Hollman Holds A Grudge; Stephanie Defends Herself

Kam is shocked. She and Stephanie work out together! EVERY MONDAY. Kam shared tried and true advice her mother imparted, straight from a 1950’s Women’s Day Magazine, about how beauty is pain. That is DEEEEP, girl, deep.

Then Kameron stands up, once again proclaims herself the victim with another extended monologue about how she was attacked. She is ready to flounce out, when Stephanie convinces her to sit down using the Jedi mind warp technique of saying “I’m sorry.” It’s so good that Steph has a background in counseling! Stephanie apologizes for not understanding Kam’s feelings. And then they both agree to move forward. For real. Which means for fake, and actually not at all, because Kam’s soul is literally made of Barbie plastic and leftover scraps of Chanel tweed.

Afterwards Stephanie is exhausted from trying to wrangle Kameron’s teenage emotions. Still, she comes away feeling triumphant because she stood her ground, explained herself, and they moved towards a stronger friendship. “I literally feel like I have just given birth to a six feet tall blonde baby,” Stephanie gasps. HAAAAAAAAAAAA But don’t dare bash that baby!

Stephanie tells Brandi all this over lunch in between trying to play Jenga with LeeAnne’s various wedding events. LeeAnne has been selectively choosing which events suit which friends. While Brandi is expected to attend the lingerie shower and the bachelorette, she was not invited to the couple’s shower or the actual wedding. Which is better than D’Andra who wasn’t invited to a damn thing. Lucky minx.

Brandi is skipping the bachelorette for Brooklyn’s cheerleading tryouts. Good for her for putting motherhood before Jesus Juicing, although it’s probably because Brandi learned there’d be no strippers and decided, why bother?

RELATED: Real Housewives Of Dallas Recap: Circus Monkeys

Brandi has invited all the women to a haunted house to meet with a medium. Like real demons will put in perspective all their fake demons. Brandi has been talking to ghosts since she was a little girl. It’s where she got her first DARE to keep kids off drugs campaign and learned the evils of nicotine addiction. Seriously – she saw her deceased grandmother at the foot of her bed, smoking. I actually find the side of Brandi who communes with the dead interesting. However, LeeAnne doesn’t. According to her, it’s anti-Christian and this is all the proof she needs that Brandi is the devil. LeeAnne judging anyone’s morality is laughable. Also LeeAnne’s whole life is dancing with ghosts.

RELATED: Real Housewives Of Dallas Star Brandi Redmond Says God Is Her “GPS”

The bachelorette party is more about LeeAnne’s crusty wedding planner, wearing a hot pink plume he got from JoAnn Fabric’s atop his thatched coon-skin toupee, than it is about the bride. Although he did gussy up a veil with a million photos of Rich Emberlin‘s face on it and a cake featuring LeeAnne riding atop a penis rocket.

LeeAnne looks like she’s wearing a vinyl table cloth as a dress. We also learn LeeAnne got her hands filled to make them look youthful and less like knives. She’s slowly morphing into Maleficent.

Instead of a stripper, LeeAnne thankfully has a drag queen performer do a risqué-ish dance. It was cute and MUCH appreciated by Kam and myself – especially after the Real Housewives Of Orange County orgy! (Still traumatized)

Stephanie tells Cary Deuber that her friendship with Kameron is back on track and she’s excited that they had an honest conversation. Meanwhile, a tipsy Kam tells Cary that she doesn’t believe Stephanie was being sincere and finds the whole making amends to be an allusion. Kam’s avoiding Stephanie because that’s what surface friends do! “I just don’t do fakeness,” she explains.  “Yes, we agreed to move forward, but I’m not moving anymore forward.” So basically Kam stood still, letting things move around her, like a drunk sorority girl watching a disco ball.

Well, at least Kam is correct that she doesn’t buy fakes. Court’s credit card weeps nightly over this.

Then I’m not sure why, but Kary decides this is the moment to confront LeeAnne about why D’Andra is being excluded from the wedding festivities. And Kary got her first Housewives read, signed, sealed delivered, and slammed shut! AAAAA-Men!

RELATED: Real Housewives Of Dallas Star Kary Brittingham Dishes On Replacing Cary Deuber; Not As Close With Cary & D’Andra Simmons Anymore

Kary starts out by asking LeeAnne why she hasn’t been invited to the wedding, but is expected to come to all the parties – even though they barely know each other. LeeAnne, without missing a beat, pretends Kary’s invite got lost in the mail, then proceeds to educate her on how the US postal service is inaccurate. It’s a bureaucracy thing! One person whose invite did NOT get lost is D’Andra’s. She just quite simply was NOT invited. (I bet Mama Dee was)

LeeAnne’s perspective is that even though D’Andra has apologized, she hasn’t actually made an effort to befriend LeeAnne again, and furthermore after trashing LeeAnne’s fiancé, should D’Andra really be ingratiated into the fold of America’s Royal Wedding? After all LeeAnne it’s been 51 loooooong years of nonstop abuse, neglect, betrayal, abandonment; suffering being the black sheep, borrowing other people’s designer to cover up her polyester core, cried on stages all over Dallas all in an effort to help others, and basically she’s waited L’Infinity for love and she’s not going to let D’Andra’s bad attitude and skepticism ruin these precious moments. Especially with D’Andra being broke and all…

None of that history matters to Kary who keeps pointing out that LeeAnne got on stage at D’Andra’s 50th birthday party, publicly apologized with candles, and said she forgives.

Um, has Kary not realized that LeeAnne is basically a televangelist preacher who is always looking for a handout and some applause? She will ‘save’ anyone in the moment, dropping them straight to hell the second she has her filled hands on whatever she wanted from them.

RELATED: Kameron Westcott Teases Drama After Real Housewives Of Dallas Cast Skips LeeAnne Locken’s Bridal Shower

LeeAnne even throws Rich under the bus by blaming him for not being ready to move on with D’Andra. Cue to clip of Rich telling LeeAnne to move forward and forgive. “When you show an action, you get a mother f–king invitation, and until then go over there and stand in the vasectomy line,” LeeAnne bellows. Basically D’Andra should show she cares by crashing LeeAnne’s events.

After dismissing Kary, LeeAnne goes up to Tiffany Hendra  (I keep forgetting she’s at these things) and her wedding planner to complain that she’s getting yelled at, “because the almighty fat cow isn’t here to be worshipped.” Isn’t that, I don’t know, anti-religious?

I am 100% on LeeAnne’s side here. Kary had NO BUSINESS involving herself. It was so incredibly tacky to confront LeeAnne at her own bachelorette party, inserting herself in a decades-long friendship about all sorts of emotional hijacking.

Furthermore, this is LeeAnne’s wedding, and LeeAnne’s wedding events – they should be about her, not about D’Andra. If LeeAnne doesn’t want D’Andra there, no matter how petty it may seem, that’s her prerogative. Now cue Bobby Brown. And let’s move onto the next scene. Brandi shows up to a messy haunted house. She meets with some woman who didn’t bother to put away her dishes before the Bravo cameras showed up. That is brazen, and I’m impressed.

RELATED: Real Housewives Of Dallas Star LeeAnne Locken Shares How Erika Jayne Has Been “So Kind”; Dishes On Fight Between Sonja Morgan & Tinsley Mortimer During Pride

Apparently, this couple bought what they thought was an ‘income’ property in a small town outside of Dallas, only to learn the reason it was so cheap is because it’s haunted. Haunted by bad furniture, definitely! Now they rent it out to Ghost Hunter groups. Do the ghosts vaccuum? We really never get an explanation for why it’s haunted. Or what happened to turn it into such a place of the undead. But, I will say from experience no true southern woman – dead or not – would leave a kitchen that messy, so no wonder these ghosts are rolling over in their graves!

Beforehand, Kary tells D’andra about her argument with LeeAnne. We learn LeeAnne texted D’Andra to make sure she’s not upset after Mexico, which has D’Andra suddenly wondering if something happened in Mexico while she was too drunk to remember. D’Andra thought they formed a Pube Posse and were fine...

I thought this ghost tour thing was cute. And I liked that all the women got into it. LeeAnne even participated by ‘ghosting’ Kary! Well that was the plan, anyway. Brandi and Stephanie play a prank on the other women as they arrive. They pretend to be a haunted Santa decoration that is coming at them and everyone freaked. Kameron shares her paranormal experience of being at a sleepover, when the ouija board summoned her dead dog. Kam was certain she could feel his fur touching her. What she didn’t reveal is that this happened last year. Let let sleeping dogs lie, Kam!

RELATED: Real Housewives Of Dallas Star Kameron Westcott Reflects On Calling Brandi Redmond “Trash”; Says They Are Now In A Good Place

Then they do a ghost tour by going into a child’s bedroom to play ghost ball. Afterwards, D’Andra and LeeAnne have a quick talk which resolves nothing, but doesn’t seem to make things worse. These two, like the undead ball stuck in a room with ghost children, will be rolling back and forth across the same 10 square feet of scuffed flooring for all eternity.

Kary asks the medium to “read” her. The medium says that even though Kary had a difficult childhood, she’s prevailed and built a good life. Kary shares with the other women that her childhood included being kidnapped to Mexico by her mother in a war between two alcoholic parents. Then, she was basically being neglected while her mother drank. Instead of being sympathetic or even listening, LeeAnne immediately turns it into another opportunity to point out how her childhood was worse. It’s like a competition for most trauma. Can someone in Dallas start a pageant for Worst Childhood and just give LeeAnne an award that consist of a ginormous baby bottle and a diaper with a tiara on it? WE GET IT, GIRL. HAVE SOME EMPATHY.

Kary pointedly mentions that people  can choose to wallow in their childhoods or focus on what’s good in their lives. You know, like how she has moved on: had children, married rich men, started a jewelry collection… Whereas LeeAnne is still trapped in the fun house at the carnival staring into the distortion mirror.

RELATED: Real Housewives Of Dallas Star Kary Brittingham Says She Only Attended LeeAnne Locken’s Wedding Because She “Had Nothing Going On” That Day

Then LeeAnne pretends she had no idea how Kary was even invited to her bachelorette party. Luckily Kary pulls up the TEXT invite sent from LeeAnne’s own wedding planner. Featuring his face – saying LeeAnne wants Kary on the guest list. I’m surprised Kam didn’t explode into 8 pounds of pink feathers and a small puff of neutral-colored, lightly sparkling air upon receiving a textvite. Tacky, girl, tacky.

Well, this is one argument that ain’t gonna die anytime soon!

TELL US – SHOULD KARY STAY OUT OF D’ANDRA AND LEEANNE’S DRAMA? IS KAMERON OVERREACTING IN HER ARGUMENT WITH STEPHANIE? WHAT DID YOU THINK OF LAST NIGHT’S REAL HOUSEWIVES OF DALLAS EPISODE? SHOULD LEEANNE INVITE D’ANDRA TO EVENTS WHEN SHE’S INCLUDING ALL OF THE OTHER REAL HOUSEWIVES OF DALLAS?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]