On Vanderpump Rules last night Jax Taylor decided that, for once, he was gonna work the rumor-mill to his favor, and play a game of telephone with the story of Katie Maloney “motorboating the crotch region of a gentleman.” Yes, I just typed that. And yes, that is a direct quote. And yes, we will be using that phrase many more times through this recap. You’ve been warned!
Jax is recovering from his nose job, and as he deals with the debilitating pain of a deviated septum he realizes there’s been just one person who hasn’t reached out, who hasn’t checked in on his recovery: Katie. He broods over muddled ginger at the SUR bar, and every time he feels the bandage tape creating friction across his oily pores, his anger increases just a little bit: it goes from beer, to wine, to whiskey, finally distilling into pure moonshine. And then he snaps: how dare she! How dare Katie not only ignore him in his time of need, but how dare she choose Stassi Schroeder‘s side over his. And even worse, how dare she attempt to keep Tom 2 away from him, dammit! Besides, Tom 2 wants to be away from Katie – not Jax.
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And yes, it very well seems to be true that Tom 2 hasn’t the slightest bit of interest in being Mr. Katie Maloney. In fact, he’s tried everything to subtly send the message that yeah, marriage ain’t happening: he’s stopped putting out, he started living out of a bookbag under the pretense that he had to nurse Jax back to premium nasal health, he quit his job at PUMP to loaf around and play video games, and when Katie mentioned having babies – and ruin his perfect figure?! – he decided it was time, after much dithering to get a dog. Aaahhhh… you know what they say: Adopt don’t shop! Meaning adopt a dog, don’t shop for a ring.
Katie loves the dog. She is not, however, temporarily pacified as she describes this as one more “step forward” to getting engaged. Girl… you have been drinking the Kristen Kool-Aid for the Delusionally Insane. This boy, Tom 2, he’s just not that into you. Good thing someone else wants your face in their crotch!
Tom 2 does pick a cute dog, he brings Tom 1 and Ariana Madix along for the ride. Ariana is smirking the entire time. Ariana is dying inside from laughter – Kristen Doute is gonna marry Jax before Tom 2 proposes to Katie. Actually, Kristen and Jax are probably on their way to Vegas right now, in a drunken stupor, at drive-thru Elvis chapel. She in a white bikini and go-go boots, he in a perfectly re-done nose that looks exactly the same as his old nose. Is that the mark of good plastic surgery or bad? Whatever the case, Jax acts like he is the only person in Beverly Hills to ever get a nose job – he shows up at SUR with tape over his nose seeking all the attention and sympathy in the world for the plight of his poor schnoz.
When Katie comes over to fulfill a drink order, Jax yells at her for not reaching out. She says, for her boyfriend, who is sooooo serious about her, she’s checking in now. Jax accuses Katie of needing a nose job next – to remove her nose from Stassi’s butt. Scheana Marie Almost Famous, loitering nearby, agrees. And then Jax formulates a plan – he’s gonna tell everybody that if Katie is so desperate to become Mr. Tom 2, then he should at least know about her cheating. Oh Jax… hypocrites never prosper!
Apparently Katie has ditched all her friends for Stassi, and now they just sit around plotting their future weddings and re-enacting them with Barbie dolls in Stassi’s immaculate new, fancy apartment. Katie be le jealous.
Also back at work after suspension are Kristen and Tom 1. Ken and Lisa Vanderpump are unhappy to see Kristen. Damn Bravo contracts.
Since Stassi is unemployed Lisa invites her to SUR for lunch, where Scheana Marie eye rolls through serving them, hair flipping into Stassi’s pinot grigio. Lisa asks Stassi if she’d like to be her stylist for a magazine cover and in exchange Stassi can use it on her resume. Stassi doesn’t really style Lisa – Lisa pulls her own wardrobe and basically has Stassi schlep it around and help her into it. Stassi complains that this job is so beneath her because she’s forced to dress Giggy, and run errands in the heat, and Lisa isn’t letting her wear the princess tiara. Look Stassi – Rachel Zoe you are not, so don’t quit your day job at SUR and stop being such an ungrateful biatch: you got contacts from this gig and a great opportunity to put this on your resume. Frankly, that’s really saying something considering your very questionable fashion sense.
Back at SUR, Jax has the rumor mill in full swing. He reminds Scheana of that time they saw Katie drunk and motorboating some guy’s crotch at a bar. Scheana is like OH YEAH and then she kissed his neck! But Tom 2 doesn’t know about this – and Jax could SO tell him, SO ruin Katie’s life! Then Jax tells Kristen, who is just absolutely shocked that Katie was so mean to her about cheating when Katie is a cheater too! Katie put her lips on some guys penis in a bar, on video, and everyone saw it. EVERYONE! Everyone but Tom 2, that is!
Scheana is smirking, because all those times Katie mocked her relationship to The Incredible Sulk, Shay, Scheana is engaged and Katie can’t even get a man to drive passed Jared! Plus, Scehana’s love photos on instagram are real whereas Katie’s are a farce because she’s been having an affair in the dumpster behind SUR with… well, she really can’t reveal but it was bad and everyone knows about it… But Tom 2!
The next day, Tom 1, Jax, Ariana, and Scheana have a pool party which turns into a meeting of the We Hate Katie club, complete with animal-themed floaties and squirt guns. Afterwards Tom 1 and Jax tell Tom 2 about Katie’s indiscretion. He’s not really that shocked. I mean he knows Katie has to get some somewhere and it was only motorboating a gentleman’s crotch for goodness sake.
But Kristen is fighting mad – on a work break she confronts Katie about how she misses their friendship, but Katie is like I have Stassi now and I never really liked you anyway. Which is the perfect time for Kristen to remind Katie that everyone knows she’s been having a decades- long affair with the president of Brazil in the bathroom at PUMP. And everyone saw it! EVERYONE CREDIBLE SAW IT! Scheana, Jax… the list goes on! Katie is like uh – I was tying my shoe near someone’s penis but you slept with Stassi’s boyfriend twice, so not the same thing! No one even knows my crotch motorboater.
Over lunch the following day Katie tells Stassi and Annonymous Stassi Schroeder Cronie No 1, that she’s being labeled a cheater. Stassi demands that Katie force Tom 2 to stop hanging out with Jax. Katie meekly agrees. Then she gets a text from Tom 2, who is riding bikes with Jax and Tom 1. It turns out Jax’s daddy didn’t pay his insurance and now Jax legally can’t drive. *side eye*
The Toms and Jax crash Katie’s lunch, which is cue for Stassi to run away with mullet-hem skirt between her legs. Jax plops down at the table, Katie confronts him for calling her a cheater, and Jax is like yeah – I saw you cheat on Tom 2, and he deserves better than your skanky-ness, now pass the ketchup!
Meanwhile Tom 2 doesn’t bother to defend Katie, whom he loves so much. Tom 1 tries to keep the fighting to a minimum because dang – don’t ruin a man’s lunch. Katie sniffles and whines outside the restaurant and Tom 2 is like you brought it up, so just go home – it’s fine, no one cares about Jax – except Tom 2 because he ditches Katie to go hang out with Jax and Tom 1 again, and then is like leave Katie alone – she only motorboated one d–k, you guys! He seems to find the entire thing kind of laughable.
For two cheaters, Jax and Tom 1 are mighty concerned about Katie possibly cheating. I mean, I can see that they just don’t like Katie, but hmmm…
TELL US – IS MOTORBOATING A GENTLEMAN’S CROTCH CONSIDERED CHEATING? IS JAX WRONG TO BE SPREADING RUMORS (DO WE CARE?)
[Photo Credits: Bravo]