I’m running late today (as if that is not an affliction of everyday). I blame Kristen Doute. Or Jax Taylor – I truly vacillate between which one of the two is more whorerendous. See what I did there – it’s subtlety – which is something Vanderpump Rules is not known for. So let’s carry-on recapping this reunion.
Lots ‘o weird last night! Why Kristen’s makeup is suddenly making her look like a 48-year-old cougar? Perhaps it was sitting in the youthful glow of James Kennedy. Perhaps it was her dark soul emanating through her pores. You don’t believe me – it happened to Jax too. Take a look at season 1 Jax. Is that the same man you ask? I mean it could be… I wouldn’t put ‘zombie recreation Jax’ past the whodunits at Bravo.
Also, weird? Stassi Schroeder everything. So many unsaid things, so many allusions, so many not adding ups. We’re still dismantling the secrets of Tom 1 and Miami Girl; I don’t care – I want to know about the Super-Secret Life of Stassi Schroeder.
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Weirder even, Katie Maloney bought her own fauxgagement ring?!
Ariana Madix‘s side-braid has transformed into… A mullet-rope? A backwater braid? This is a new species of hair-atrocities I cannot define. Does it double as a weapon – one might hope the way the reunion is going! Can we call her Hairiana now?
First topic on the docket, of course is Jax. And why the hell is Jax, Jax?! It’s an eternal question there at Bravo, one which neither Andy Cohen, nor Lisa Vanderpump, nor I, nor Carmen (is she still dating him?!) can answer. Best left unfathomed lest we need ineffective bro-tox too.
A few things are for certain, however, where Jax is concerned: 1) he hates Kristen with a fiery passion that means they are so banging again 2) he hates being called out with a fiery passion which means he is so doing something prickish to everyone on that stage 3) he is a bad, bad friend 4) he is a worse, worse boyfriend 5) he may have at one point in time exhibited questionable sexuality – which Andy is obsessed with delving into (pun intended) 6) He has possibly made/had contact with Stassi recently, but both of them will lie about it prolifically 7) he is incapable – INCAPABLE – of telling the truth and better never be called as a witness in court 8) he owns that he’s an atrocious person so if you choose to involve yourself with Satan, gonna get burned. Don’t blame the reaper! All of this further illuminates that he and Kristen are soul mates.
Jax is confronted with lying to Tiffany, his mishaps with Carmen, and possibly banging some girl in the bathroom in San Diego. We get no solid answers. Instead Jax shrugs and surmises, “Smart women don’t want to sleep with me!” Which is probably why “Smartest Person In The World” (SPITW) Ariana has never slept with Jax, right?
That’s Jax in eight bullet-points, which I am sure everyone wished were actual bullets. Kidding! We here at Reality Tea do not condone murder, attempted murder, or thoughts of either, but we do condone psychiatric evaluation of Kristen – and smacking that annoying disturbing smirk off of Kristen’s face. You are the crazy one stop trying to make everyone else think they’re the crazy-ones!
Sadly, James has gone full-scale “Kristenized” (I’m submitting this term to the DSM-VI). Is his relationship with Kristen a case of the delusional leading the delusional? Or has denial transcended into delusion? Or is Kristen’s delusion a transmittable disease? I mean, it’s curable – Tom 1 no longer seems afflicted, but James’s symptoms are rampant – he needs treatment stat. Which came first: The Delusion or The Kristen? Was James delusional, then wound up with Kristen? Or is being delusionally-in-denial (and completely lacking self-respect) a necessary component for dating Kristen?
No matter how much James protests, Kristen is so not “100% over” Tom 1. She claims to be suffering from extended-betrayal because even though Jax did allllll the bad things – all of them – and she was “not involved” in destroying their friend group (because, what she dissociated when they had banged – twice?), so that’s why she is still a seething cesspool of spray-tanned resentment.
James insists it’s not Kristen’s fault she banged Jax, while dating Tom and being BFF with Stassi, it’s just that hot people like f–king hot people. Which is why, in SPITW Ariana’s astute approximation, it is categorically impossible for Tom 1 to have cheated with Miami Girl. The simple reason: she’s not hot. Not factoring in beer goggles and going with that logic, it makes perfect sense. That and the fact that the two people orchestrating the particulars of this story – Kristen and Jax – have trails of lies longer than Ariana’s backwater braid.
James is entirely too wrapped up in the violations of bro-code between Tom 1 and Jax. He keeps yelling at them for being terrible friends and cheaters. Why the bizarre witch hunt about the behaviors of people he has never been friends with and has no relationship – other than professionally and by-proxy of Kristen’s stalking? After seeing the scene where Tom face palmed James to the floor at Scheana’s birthday party, it’s obvious that James is a “provoker” who then whines and cries victim. He and Kristen are about to become better exfoliated versions of Mickey and Mallory Knox. Go take another Beamer-Selfie, Baby Beamer Schemer. Or meticulously constructing a scrapbook of all of Kristen’s Tom photos, but shut up!
Kristen continues to insist Tom 1 cheated. Ariana rolls her eyes and shrugs, because she doesn’t believe it no matter how much Kristen smirks and tries to goad them both into an argument. “If you don’t have evidence, lie until you do,” quips Tom 1, which is surely Jax’s next tattoo. The one he and Kristen are going to get together after they have a quickie wedding in Vegas.
Andy asks Ariana about crying in Miami. “Crocodile tears! Gimme a break,” barks Kristen, the girl who is so hopelessly devoted to James and completely over Tom 1. “I don’t want to give you a break,” replies Ariana. “You don’t deserve it.” Touche! After all of Kristen’s violent comments, combined with all the stalking and threats, Ariana freaked out. Kristen lambastes Ariana’s “over the top” attention-seeking.
Is it “over the top” to cry over being stalked and harassed? Or is it “over the top” to stalk and harass your ex-boyfriend with cheating rumors? Just wondering… James takes issue with Tom‘s heart-to-heart with Kristen in Miami, because Tom was “inappropriate” and leading Kristen on, which justified her obsessive behavior. Kristen smiles and nods enthusiastically as he sticks to the script. Hmmmmm… Uhhhhhhh. No.
Kristen accuses Ariana of cheating with Tom while they were together. Lisa interjects to deny this. Kristen says the night she and Tom broke-up, he went to Ariana’s, then lied about it. Then Kristen says Tom never broke-up actually with her. Oh heavens!!!! The entire time she smirks irascibly.
Then Stassi emerges. Her dress looks like a picnic blanket, which is ironic since it was a feeding frenzy of insults towards her at the reunion.
Jax comments that Stassi is “going through some stuff,” but won’t discuss what. Stassi is now such a pariah she’s reduced to a friendship with KRISTEN. They have bonded over hating the same people, and Kristen is willing to do Stassi’s bidding. Gross.
Stassi explains she avoided Jax at the finale party because she doesn’t trust him (or she doesn’t trust herself?), and her man doesn’t want her having communication with him or being around him. Jax wanted closure with Stassi and there is much alluding to Jax doing something so much worse than simply “cheating” on Stassi, and how he hurt her in ways that are unfathomable.
Kristen immediately leaps to Stassi’s defense about how horrible Jax was; all the horrible ways he hurt her – which no one will elaborate on. Yes, Kristen is now the arbiter of when cheating is OK. The person who Tom outed as having “months long affairs” with Jax while they were together. I do not get this … maybe they have bonded over something Jax did to both of them…
Jax believes if Stassi is in a secure relationship, and her boyfriend trusts her, he shouldn’t worry about him. Jax sent Stassi emails to off her explanations, but she never responded. “I blocked you,” she states, adding that her new boyfriend the “real man” isn’t comfortable with her contacting him. “Didn’t you ask him for money?” Tom wonders. Yikes! So Stassi is hitting Jax up for money – which he gave her – before or after the blocking? Statement necklace business isn’t bringing in the big-bucks?
Stassi complains that none of her friends “reached out” to her even though they all knew she was going through something. WHAT?! Katie insists she tried, but as Stassi herself explains, “I blocked everyone.” Except Kristen?
Tom 2 calls Stassi’s constant soapboxing about how mature she is “ironic” given how petulant and irascible she acts. “You treat people like disposable objects, like they’re nothing,” implores Katie.
Scheana accuses Stassi of thinking she’s better than everybody, but Stassi says she avoiding them, because are bad friends – even Katie. “Shut-up!” snaps Tom 2. Stassi affects wide-eyed shock and yelps, “A man told me to shut up!” So?
Lisa questions how Stassi could be so unaffected over the years of friendships she built – particularly with Katie who was so loyal. Once Katie developing independence and stopped doing whatever Stassi said, she was dropped. Stassi agrees that Katie was a friend, but then Katie chose Scheana and Miami. “I will always love Katie,” Stassi maintains. She just won’t accept Katie having her own life as not totally orchestrated by Stassi.
“I’m not a bad person! I have feelings too,” Stassi whines as part 1 concludes. Keep telling yourself that!
Next week, Katie confronts Stassi, Tom 1 continues to battle Miami Girl accusations, and Tom 2 gives Katie a ring not on a string.
TELL US – WHAT DO YOU THINK JAX DID TO STASSI? WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE REUNION REVELATION?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]