Vanderpump Rules Recap: So I Married An Addict…

Shay and Scheana Intervention

Last night on Vanderpump Rules there was an intervention, some couples therapy, and one doomed relationship after another. Happy vibes!

Despite the fact that Shay is still MIA (in his parents basement), Scheana Marie is rallying like the supermodel she is by smizing with her saddest ‘I’m crying through my tears’ face as she models tiara-shaped hair clips, and giant gold crown headbands for Katie Maloney‘s new website Pucker & Pout.

Oh Scheana, you do sooooo much for your friends. Taking quick breaks to hold back tears so not to muss her makeup, Scheana sniffles, “Lisa told me to breathe through my nose.” Oh Scheana, you poor unfortunate soul whose husband became a Vicodin addict JUST so you could have a storyline about how love is harder than the diamond you covet so super bad!


If ever I had a shred of sympathy for Scheana, it evaporated last night and she’s now on my Rational Hate List. 

At SUR Jax Taylor is still desperately trying to get his girlfriend Brittany Cartwritght hired. Brittany made quite the impression on Lisa Vanderpump as the girl who wore lingerie to a job interview. Obviously she’s not getting hired, and since Jax is too lazy to actually deal with a girlfriend outside of work he turns his three-times surgically altered poon hound schnoz to Lala Kent. Lisa, already has enough dog poo to deal with and warns him not to shit where other people pay her to eat.

James Kennedy is still unhappily tied to Kristen Doute. Now they’re going to couples therapy. The night before he goes out with Jax, Toms 1 & 2, and Peter Madrigal for drinks. Lots of drinks. With James the more he drinks, the more annoying, yappy, and arm-flailing he becomes.

Tom 1 is not surprised to hear James and Kristen are headed to couples counseling. Frankly, I’m not either because it’s Kristen. And she’s crazy. And she probably forgot she was even dating James because her mind has been transposing Tom’s face onto James’ and believes they’ve been together for 8 years instead of 8 months. Did I mention James is like one day over his twenty-first birthday and has been dating Big Momma K for a hot minute?

Kristen believes in therapy – she’s been going alone for years and it’s helped tremendously. I’ll just let that statement sit there. 

James and Kristen Therapy

The next morning James is too hungover to move but Kristen is already awake and nagging him to eat his eggs for breakfast and get dressed for therapy. Big Momma K is a task manipulator!

Therapy goes about how you would expect, Kristen acts impervious to any wrong-doing, deflects, and blames James for everything. He yells, sulks, and calls her a bitch until he is rebuked by the therapist for name-calling. The therapist clearly isn’t a Vanderpump Rules viewer. “You’re delusional,” snaps James, as Kristen argues that she tries to build James up, give him direction, encourage him to take responsibility, and see himself as smart, capable and attractive. When Kristen whines that James has no concept of responsibility he rightly asks his 35-year-old UNEMPLOYED girlfriend what exactly she does all day. 

Not 6 minutes after therapy, James starts nuzzling Lala at SUR. This was after Jax propositioned her by asking if all the good Mormon girls did anal sex and gave good blow jobs. 

After that mess some lovely news: Peter has a new girlfriend. She’s cute, and seems sweet, and has a 4-year-old. And Peter seems genuinely excited. The rest of his friend group acts like 4-year-olds so he’s had a lot of practice!

Tom 1 looks wistfully at Peter, contentedly settling into domestic bliss, and then at Ariana Madix slurping her noodles and spilling them all over her chin, needing a bib and sippy cup. Tom 1 realizes he’s ready to start “adulting” forever. I mean, he practically raised Kritter-Kristen, the feral waitress-child of SUR! He’s gotten Jax off the streets and into a halfway house of SUR’s used goods. He’s steered Tom 2 towards the direction of permanence, guiding him tirelessly through the ZoolanDOs and ZoolanDonts School Of Male Modeling. But alas, Ariana’s wild oats have not yet been sowed, instead they’re dribbling down her chin and being turned into crumbs trapped in between their new couch cushions. Maybe someday… Maybe someday…. In the meantime, there are Scheana and Shay to raise. 

Tom 1, ever-giving, ever benevolent, believes as friends they need to help Scheana and Shay figure out what’s going on. Of course Scheana, always in desperate want of attention whether it be her husband’s Vicodin addiction, a broken tooth, or a crop top wedding gown, is all the more willing to participate in the world’s most delusional intervention. 

Speaking of delusional, Jax trots Brittany in for another botched interview attempt. If you think Brittany had figured out to put on some clothes and print out a copy of her resume, you were wrong! She’s again wearing lingerie and her VERBAL resume consists of Hooters. Lisa pointblank tells Brittany it’s not gonna work out. Jax sulks because Lisa hates him and isn’t hiring Brittany out of spite. While I do think it’s true that Jax is about the worst reference a person could possibly give, showing up unprepared and under-dressed to TWO interviews and not evening be able to recall your work history – WHY?! WHERE WERE YOU WORKING OTHER THAN HOOTERS – was Brittany’s true undoing. 

Tom and Tom try to do business with Lisa

Speaking of unprepared and truly dumb, Tom and Tom decided to pitch a business partnership proposal to Lisa. This was an embarrassing mess. When they arrive one of the Villa Rosa the swan turns around and pisses out of its butt. That’s about how their business meeting went. 

The first problem was Tom and Tom thinking they have the business-savvy genius to decide which one of them should “do the talking,” and second of all, they didn’t even get to the point of WHAT business they were pitching! I spent most of their “pitch” believing they had come up with their own alcohol and wanted Lisa to start carrying it, but in actuality they were trying to turn LVP Sangria into a pyramid scheme in which they would start having selling parties places based on their stellar reputations as arbiters of taste and sophistication.

Pandora and Jason sat in for this meeting and all but laughed in the Toms‘ faces, then broke down what a REAL business entails. Telling your friends to drink Lisa’s vodka while you’re partying in your hometown isn’t promoting a product, it’s peer pressuring. Pandora shades Tom 2 royally when she snipes that real business people can’t have panic attacks and run home crying in the middle of a business meeting. BOOM. 

Pandora and Jason give Tom and Tom a homework assignment: Come back prepared with a legit proposal for how they would go about promoting the product on a grander scheme. 

After that disheartening news, it’s on to  Scheana’s time warp of delusional memories apartment. I’ve been playing this game where each time I try to pick out some new atrocity. This time I noticed an enormous vase of fake flowers. OOOH! 

Shay's Intervention

Shay is home and tellingly doesn’t want to be home alone with Scheana so he has all his TeeVee friends over to intervene on his drinking and drug use. Shay confesses that for the entire time he’s known everyone he’s been abusing prescription pills, sometimes up to 10 per day. Scheana of course keeps cutting him off to talk about herself and how horribly it’s affecting her. 

Tom 1 theorizes that one reason Shay is so depressed is he doesn’t have a job (he asked Lisa to hire Shay at PUMP, but Lisa was like errrrrm, dude, is it wise to have a recovering alcoholic tending bar?). Scheana cries about how she’s been depressed and lonely with no one to clean the catbox while Shay is at mommy’s house, but Shay shoots back that he’s been lonely and depressed for 2 years.  

Scheana is shocked. “Why did you marry me then?!” she sobs. I mean right?! It’s pretty clear Scheana was in it for the wedding – and still is; her apartment is a celebration of SCHEANA’S PRINCESS DAY as if she celebrated her 6th birthday at Disney World and got to have breakfast with all the characters! Especially Jasmine and her crop top.

For Shay the emotions seemed legit. He admitted he’s been f–king up a lot, and part of the problem is Scheana never lets him make a decision or complete a thought, so he shuts down. Of course it’s not fair to blame Scheana for Shay’s addiction, but I do think her self-absorbed me-me-me behavior contributes to his feelings of unhappiness. When Tom 2 and Katie Too have to start mediating on your communication by coaching Scheana to shut it to let Shay talk, I would say on a scale of doomed to Jaxed, this marriage is sliding rapidly in the direction of disintegration. The Toms, it is interesting to note, do not seem to have high esteem for Scheana (maybe they’re smarter than they look!). 

After everyone leaves, Shay looks like he wants to call out “Wait guys!” and go with them. Instead he sits despondently next to Scheana on the couch until she instructs him to start dinner. Dinner consists of haphazardly chopped Romain lettuce with chunks of tomatoes, in plastic bowls, eaten off a TV tray. The side dish – Capri Sun. 

Scheana rambles about how badly she wants a real house, with a real table (possibly get rid of a few tchotchke shelves and maybe she could fit one?!). Then she lectures Shay about how he should limit his drinking to getting buzzed. “I couldn’t be with someone who was truly sober,” Scheana opines, graciously. “Because that’s not reality with the life I lead, with my friends.” OH. MY. GOD! OH. MY. GOD! She is the most self-absorbed twat ever. She needs to either marry Jax or Kristen because they all deserve each other. 

Scheana is drug testing Shay

Since Scheana cares about her life and her reputation, and Shay is no longer allowed to use pills, only booze, Scheana pulls out an at-home drug test and demands he finish his capri sun before peeing in a cup. Scheana Googles eternity bands while she awaits the results. 

When Shay tries to argue about how he’s still feeling intimidated by her controlling him, Scheana snaps. “I’m trying to get better!” According to Shay they can only communicate when the Toms are present so he wonders if they should just move in together. Again, VERY. TELLING. These people are so f–king immature I literally cannot handle it. 

Later Scheana informs Lisa things are much better now that she’s fully in control of micromanaging Shay’s every move. When Lisa cautions Scheana that she’s not qualified to be a counselor or an addiction specialist, and that Shay should consider rehab, Scheana judiciously reports, “I make him pee in a cup!” 

On a scale of doomed to Jaxed, Lisa realized where any respect she has for Scheana is headed. 


[Photo Credits: Bravo]