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Vanderpump Rules - Ariana Madix

Last night’s Vanderpump Rules was inspired by 70’s icon Olivia Newton John who implored everyone to “get physical” – although may be not in illegal situations (i.e. a moving vehicle) with inconvenient partners.

So first we must discuss Tom 2‘s new hair color. It is rather reddish, like a Burnt Sienna crayon from the Crayola big box of 64 colors. It is best described as Raggedy Andy. Which is basically Tom’s whole life: loafing around WeHo, skulking behind Katie Maloneys rage, just awwww… shucks-ing while drinking his blues into oblivion near every open bar.

This morning’s ‘le sad emoji’ is because Lisa Vanderpump is still refusing to reveal the interior of TomTom because it’s not ready. Tom 1 is even more devastated. He had his outfit all freshly pressed and ready to go when they got the call letting them know takeoff had been delayed. Again.

So there was nothing to do but caravan, Oregon Trail-style, all the way to Marina del Ray for Scheana Marie‘s housewarming. Spoiler Alert: someone got dysentery from beer cheese and died! Also someone caught Typhoid from drinking out of Jax Taylor‘s beer.

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I joke because apparently Scheana has moved to the land of divorcees and old men with metal detectors, which I dunno seems like her Mecca? It also happens to be about 4 freeways away from WeHo, but the ocean views make up for it in my mind. Also this is how Schenaa is trapping Adam Spott into a relationship. She literally has him barricaded into her new apartment, miles from civilization and the people he knows and loves, staring at nothing but giant airbrushed close-ups of Scheana’s face, until he developed Stockholm Syndrome (Scheana-Home Syndrome?) and slept with her. Now they’re BFF with benefits… until Scheana implants a chip in with GPS tracking and spikes his Capri Suns with mind control juice.

Katie, Kristen Doute, and Stassi Schroeder are skipping the party because Billie Lee and James Kennedy are attending. Also the Three-Headed SheBeast doesn’t even go to the west side for people they’re like genuinely friends with… Aka Scheana’s party is a reject circus.

Katie is still not over Billie accusing her of being transphobic, and no one is quite sure why Kristen hates James but the vitriol is probably good for burning calories and hiding her dead-end relationship with Carter.

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Also I get traffic, but everyone is acting like Scheana moved to Compton in 1985. I guess Scheana is always making people drive to her self-involved ventures. Like didn’t she throw a birthday party at Shay’s parents’ house once? And make everyone travel to a trailer park for her wedding where they then had to do community service and pick up trash? At least the light in Marina del Ray makes everyone look so dewy and beautiful, so that’s probably the real reason Scheana relocated.

Before I move on to the actual party, why does everyone suddenly have such fancy cars, yet we’re supposed to believe they’re poor enough to be working at restaurants?

James is struggling to re-ingratiate himself into the group. Even forgiving Scheana for her shameless flip-flopping. It may be working because Tom 1 and Jax are throwing a joint 70’s roller disco party and James is rewarded with an invitation. Jax is pissed, but Jax has no moral high ground to stand on. The moral high ground buried Jax in his own used condoms about a decade ago and he deserves to wallow in this purgatory for all eternity smelling the wafts of farted out beer cheese and listening to Brittany Cartwright scream “I’m ENGAAAAAAYGED” next to his ear on repeat. That sounds like a revenge porn Stassi would write!

Anyway, James, on his best redemption tour, has a perfectly civil conversation with Lala Kent where he expresses a desire to apologize to Mandal for making tacky comments. James suggests he write a letter. Lala thinks this might be a good idea but she has to double-check if all the all the involved parties can read. Then Billie crashes their chat – bringing shots to the two sober people – and starts shit with Lala about the transphobia.

Vanderpump Rules - Lala Kent

I am loathsome to agree with Lala on anything but she was right on the point that Billie is obfuscating. Billie is behaving as if retweeting a comment calling the girls transphobic, isn’t endorsing the insult, but it absolutely is. Passive aggressively. “You’re dismissed,” Lala snaps, leaving the room with Billie, following, hot on Lala’s tail screaming, “You’re not f–king better than everyone because you have a rich boyfriend, Lala!’

Vanderpump Rules - Billie Lee

Since it is a cardinal sin to discuss Lala’s man without glowing, heaping praise (I’m sure Lala is also threatening the owners of Rotten Tomatoes), Lala screeches that Billie is a pathetic low-down hoe who no one wants to f–k with. But that doesn’t mean Billie isn’t invited to girl’s night – because Lala is NOT transphobic! – it just means that she must down a Capri sun of shame while Scheana’s mom looks on speechless. Then Billie must endure a lecture from Ariana Madix on the rights and wrongs of social media operation. Basically, Billie’s social life just got dysentery and died. No one survives crossing Scheanagon Trail!

Lastly, I loved how Scheana threw Katie under the bus by telling Brittany how Katie believes something is wrong in her relationship and doesn’t believe she’s really happy with Jax. Poor Brittany – now she has hurt feelings again. Does no one understaaaand?

This party took an eternity and we finally all escape just to be thrown back into the hell of Scheana doing a photoshoot for her new headshots where she ignores her agent’s advice by trying to look like a 19-year-old college kid. All while making sleazy comments to Adam, who is there for some inexplicable reason.

Scheana is pretending she doesn’t want to get serious with Adam – she is just enjoying the sex and the freedom of an uncomplicated relationship. Because this is the “Single Scheana Summer” AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Does she mean the Stage Five Clinger Summer, Round 2?  Illustrated when Adam suggests, “I think we could use a night apart,” after the photo shoot, and Scheana death stares him in response.

The Toms see TomTom on Vanderpump Rules

Finally, Lisa unveils TomTom to the Toms who both have special moments of unadulterated glee over the fancy clocks.  It is the perfect mix of masculine and feminine. Just like the Tom and Tom kissing pic. And obviously Tom 1 cries. His skin is luminous. So is his Gucci bee sweater.

The next day, capitalizing on the joy, Tom 1 celebrates his birthday with a guy’s day. First stop is blow job shots, which Tom 1 excels at. Tom 2… not so much. Maybe that’s why Katie is miserable? This, naturally, leads to a discussion about how many children they each want. Tom 2 wants two (he has them – he and Katie), Jax also wants two – and right away, while Brittany wants 3, Tom 1 wants one or two, but Ariana wants 0. As in NONE. As in no babies shall pass the vagina she fears being seen or touched our appreciated. Allegedly.

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Tom 1 openly admits that if Ariana didn’t want children that would be “a deal breaker.” Jax is shocked. Shocked that his relationship is more mature than Tom’s, who plans to buy a house and propose before even broaching the subject of parenthood.  Jax offers sold advice that this is really something to be worked out immediately. He explains, “We don’t date anymore for fun, we date because ‘Is this gonna be my life partner?'” Yes, those words came from Jax’s mouth!

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Meanwhile, Ariana and Brittany are Hooters buying merch for Jax’s party and having a parallel discussion. Brittany warbles about all the beautiful daughters she will have as Jax’s karma and Ariana shrugs that she thinks Tom is fine with not having kids if that’s what she decides. T&A are definitely not on the same page! But honestly, I don’t want to be discussing potential parenthood of the PumpRules crew. Let’s go back to binge drinking and bad decisions.

Like getting wasted on whiskey and revealing to your friends how this one time you were driving a drunk Ariana and Lala around, and Lala licked Ariana’s crotch in the backseat. By this point, James has joined the party and even sober he is the most animated over this salacious news. “There’s no stopping horny Lala,” he shrieks. Oh, James… you always put your foot in your mouth.

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Jax pretends to be disgusted by James’s comments about Lala and immediately runs to tell her that James said she likes doing handstands in the bedroom. (That’s possible?) Jax also gossips about “Sando’s” reveal, but Lala denies hooking up with Ariana. Instead, she is disgusted with James. Why is Lala is more pissed about James than Tom 1? As soon as Jax isn’t looking Lala calls Ariana to warn her, and about that time Tom 1, in an ebullient mood, waltzes into SUR to thank Lisa for the birthday blowjob shots and comes face to face with a furious Ariana behind the bar.

Ariana is understandably pissed that Tom violated her trust by telling a story that didn’t involve him to impress his friends. It is puerile and sad to say the least. “My sexuality is not something that’s meant to sound cool to a bunch of dudes,” Ariana lectures. Tom didn’t think it was a big deal because Ariana has openly been a relationship with a girl before, yet she prefers to keep her sexuality secret and doesn’t approve of Tom repeating this story without getting her permission. Which is a big deal, obviously.

Also Ariana is well-aware that it is Jax who has the mouth of the south (not Brittany) and that before you can say Boo! Everyone will be hearing about it. Which is exactly what happened. Still everyone is more upset with James for his comments about Lala, than they are about Tom 1 for literally being a complete ass? Also Stassi is jealous that no one ever wants to go down on her in the backseat. Um, Beau?

Vanderpump Rules - Ariana Madix

By the time Tom 1‘s birthday party rolls around he and Ariana have discussed the situation. Ariana acknowledges that Tom wasn’t being malicious, he just doesn’t understand things beyond a 4th grade emotional level. So all is good as they strap on their wigs and roller skates and macrame unitards for a good old fashion roller-disco. It was delightful.

Stassi is wearing a sequined mini-kaftan from the Kaftans by Kylene Isn’t Kool Kollection. Meanwhile James‘ wig looks exactly like Scheana’s hair.

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While Tom 1 is skate dancing like an Olympic try-out, Katie and Billie come face-to-face. Billie apologizes and tries to say her peace, but Katie essentially stonewalls her before icily inviting her to participate in the next Girl’s Night In. Katie claims she accepted Billie’s apology (she didn’t), but that she can’t forget her behavior and will from now on be keeping her distance. Oh please Katie. It’s like just when I start to feel a smidgen on support for Katie (last week) she makes me hate her even more. I mean “what a twat,” to quote Lala. After all the shitty stunts tequila and iced tea Katie has pulled she has no room to be questioning anyone’s sincerity or ethos. SHe’s lucky anyone is still speaking to her. Why are they?

Meanwhile Lala has a bone to pick with James, who deftly rebuffs her attempts to argue by offering a blanket apology and immediately changing the subject to how he can mail Mandal an apology letter. While Lala is talking to James over the divider wall at the skating rink, Raquel LeViss skates up, looks Lala up and down with barely contained sneer, and flicks her hair as Lala snaps an apology for calling Raquel a twat. Then Raquel elegantly skates away.

I mean, Lala kinda HAAAD to extend the apology – she’s making all these demands that James grovel to Mandal, the rotten tomatoes of Hollywood’s her heart, so she would have looked like even more of a Katified hypocrite if she didn’t. So good for Lala, I guess?

How has Raquel suddenly become my favorite person on this show? Let’s hope it doesn’t go to her airhead!

TELL US – WAS TOM 1 OUT OF LINE?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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