Katie Maloney

Vanderpump Rules Recap: An Accidental Insult?

Last night’s Vanderpump Rules waded into some murky water. None of us were prepared since all we were wearing was castoff Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show robes.

At any rate, the campaign to ostracize and harass James Kennedy is reaching a diabolical and questionably legal point. It’s really pretty pathetic on the part of the show to allow this. I usually find that reality TV bullying accusations are baseless. Yet, here the cast members are actively organizing to get James pushed off the show for no apparent reason. Given how upset Lisa Vanderpump has been over her treatment on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and her repeated cries of being ganged up upon, I’m super surprised and disappointed that she’s allowing this. I’ll get off my soapbox now to recap this. However, I’m not being nice to the Three-Headed SheBeast, like ever again. 

Anyway, the episode begins with Billie Lee bringing new business to SUR with the introduction of a boozy brunch. Tom Sandoval is wearing a 1920’s circus performer costume, and everyone seems to be in a red and white. So, theme?

Even James was invited because Billie is his ride or die friend so long as he remains on this show and Billie needs a storyline. James surprises Lisa at the bar. She wastes no time filling him in on the meager support he has from Billie in the nation of SURvillians. James knows well who his friends are — and his enemies too. He is grateful for anyone who doesn’t treat him like a walking staph infection.

RELATED:  Vanderpump Rules Cast Member Lala Kent Says James Kennedy Was In Love With Her & Logan Noh, But Not His Girlfriend Raquel Leviss

Of course, because they are stalking JamesKatie Maloney and Kristen Doute show up at SUR. I’m surprised they didn’t go crying into the dark alley behind the dumb-ster, withering in fear, and shielding their virgin eyes at the sight of the evil James-Monster who will imbibe their souls to become drunk on his own delusions. Nope, instead, they sat down and ordered avocado toast. Then, Billie sidled over to inquire about why Kristen is even there? And why indeed – she’s been banned several times. It emerges that Kristen and Katie now don’t like Billie because she defended James.

Billie describes Kristen’s vibes as smelling like dog shit, and believes Kristen’s unwarranted hatred of James is causing premature aging. It’s true that there is no good reason why Kristen cares what James is doing so many years after they split. Especially if she’s supposedly happy with Carter. After all, Kristen is the one who did something to James when she harassed him at work. Now, she is projecting by acting as if he verbally and emotionally assaulted Katie without provocation to justify her weird misplaced anger.

I actually think comparing Kristen’s aura to dog shit is generous considering that all the dogs near SUR eat Lisa’s custom-made organic, whole grain, healthy sequin-studded glitter detox dog food that is probably also pink (Sorry Kameron!). Basically what I’m saying is that Kristen probably smells like cheap dog food that is pooped out of Brittany Cartwright‘s stomach and that SUR should definitely detox Kristen in a cyclone of cleansing glitter.

RELATED: Vanderpump Rules Cast Member Billie Lee Says “Negative People” Want To “Bring Down” Lisa Vanderpump On Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills

Stassi Schroeder

After that noxious encounter everyone ventures over to Pump to celebrate the national holiday Stassi Schroeder purchased in celebration of the hashtag she stole from fashion bloggers. It’s called National Outfit Of The Day and it’s in homage to all the posts Stassi makes proclaiming her own “Outfits Of The Day.” Actually, I think this is cute and no shade thrown at doing something fun and light-hearted to celebrate fashion. However, Stassi slagging Beau Clark off for wanting to wear overalls? When she showed up in some droopy, ill-fitting jumpsuit with a fabric tumor at the hip which looked like a product from the ‘unconventional wedding attire’ clearance rack at David’s Bridal. Overalls are in – just ask Second Skin Overalls by WeWoreWhat stylist Danielle Bernstein.

Billie was of course at this party, and so was everyone else. Everyone but James and Raquel LeViss who are carrying the cootie disease and have to be quarantined together in the only apartment with a washer and dryer. This must be why Raquel doesn’t appear to have fleas. Actually let me re-phrase: James wasn’t there physically, wearing an unbuttoned satin shirt, but he was there in spirit! Because obviously, once again, he was the only thing Katie and Kristen talked about. The first “O” in #OOTD needs to stand for Obsession. Except it’s more like Obsession of the LIFETIME. Seriously if James had a dollar for every time Kristen or Katie said his name he’d be buying all his brothers BMWs equipped with selfie-sticks and condom dispensers!

RELATED: Lisa Vanderpump Trades Insults With Vanderpump Rules Cast Member Kristen Doute On Watch What Happens Live Appearance

Anyway, Lala Kent mentions that she had coffee with James, and it went well, so he asked if she wants to make some music, so she’s supposed to meet him in the studio later that day. Katie pounces that actually SHE has scheduled Lala to come over to her house, take off her top, and do naked photos to promote the girl’s night Katie is throwing at SUR in celebration of James being fired for body shaming. Plus, James doesn’t deserve Lala’s forgiveness because he is wickedness incarnate. So, if Lala dares speak to him she’ll find herself hanging out with Billie Lee and being called a whore again.

Kristen totally agrees with Katie’s premise, obviously.  Suddenly, as if Katie has mind control powers (did she take a hypnosis seminar on Instagram?), Lala decides that she shouldn’t trust James‘ intentions. So she decides to bail on his studio time last-minute. Even though James paid to rent the studio.

Brittany Cartwright

Finally, Lisa arrives wearing one of her many outfits of the day, and is immediately accosted by Brittany who is apologizing for the way Jax Taylor spoke at the staff meeting. Noticing that Brittany looks upset, Jax immediately rushes over to start lecturing Lisa about treating his girlfriend – oops he means fiancé! – with respect. Also, the word James needs a trigger warning. Therefore if Lisa had any sense she would get a restraining order against him that covers the entirety of SUR. Lisa is appalled and demands an apology from Jax for his impertinence. He offers a half-hearted one, then scuttles away to the bar, leaving Brittany to pick up the tab.

RELATED: Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club Cast Members Say Vanderpump Rules Is “Lucky” To Be Compared To THEM & Diss Jax Taylor

Lisa Vanderpump

Brittany tries to apologize but Lisa shuts her down. Now Brittany’s stomach is in knots imagining that she has bad blood with the LVP. Is Jax serious? He’s been fired how many times? Is Kristen serious? Is Katie serious? Am I in a parallel universe where wrong is right and right has no merit? Lisa needs to get a Clue Of The Day.

Yes – James f00-ked up. But, for realz these people are acting like he ate all the pasta off their plates then left them with the bill!

It is only Tom 1 who refuses to let James go down in flames. Katie suggested that Lala send Tom and his trumpet to the studio as a replacement for herself. Apparently being mocked around every corner isn’t punishment enough for James. And Tom went. Happily. And Sqwakily.

Katie Maloney

Ariana Madix, Lala, Scheana Marie, and Brittany all met at Katie’s to plan the Girl’s Night In party that is to replace See You Next Tuesday. Katie pretends her plan is benevolent – she doesn’t want all the poor servers to miss out on the tip money they would’ve earned from James’ packed house. But really she just wants to show Lisa that no one needs the musical stylings of DJ James Kennedy.

The premise of this Girl’s Night is some sort of PJ party with Lala’s tits featured on the flyer. Cause body positive in lingerie, y’all! It’s ridiculous. It takes them all of 5 minutes to discuss a plan: everyone tweet about it.

Then, the agenda switches to Katie quizzing Brittany about why Jax sucks so much. Brittany has a meltdown because she’s tired of her friends insinuating that her relationship isn’t really fixxxxxxxxed, y’all! And they’re soooo happy, but proving it is making Brittany stressed to the max.

RELATED: Vanderpump Rules Stars Jax Taylor & Brittany Cartwright Will Not Sign A Prenup

Brittany Cartwright

Isn’t Katie supposed to be Brittany’s friend? Isn’t this karma for Brittany basically telling Raquel that she’s with a loser who no one likes and no one believes they’re happy? Brittany storms out of Katie’s and runs back home, where she screams so loud at her balcony cactus that Jax is roused from jacking off to come running over to Katie’s (in the ugliest Hawaiian print shirt every created) to demand answers. I so hope Jax stole that shirt from Pacific Sunwear, because if he paid money for that he’s dumber than I thought. Although this is also the man who paid good money for Brittany’s ludicrously oversized porn boobs, so… What I’m saying is that Jax and Brittany together share one brain cell drowned in beer cheese and the decision making equals a bloated tortilla chip.

Still, Katie is a shit friend. Behind Brittany’s back, Katie complains that they’ll have to put up with a year of Jax wedding planning when basically no one believes it will work out. Yet you know Katie will still be in Brittany’s wedding, sulking the entire time, and whining that Jax is a horrible human being. Katie should instead focus on her own marriage to Tom 2. And take that terrible “bubba” sign off her wall. I’d rather look at the gallery of Scheana-isms.

Lala Kent acting class

Speaking of, Scheana accompanies Lala to acting class because Scheana wants to get back into the world of theater. Scheana tells her agent she envisions playing college kids. Then, he quickly corrects that to “young mom.” Meaning average age moms. But the only thing Scheana really wants to play is herself. As Lala notices in all the exercises, “Scheana is so vain she can’t imagine being anyone better than herself.” Until it comes time to fake an orgasm!

RELATED: Vanderpump Rules Cast Member Lala Kent Says If Her Music Producer Works With Scheana Marie That It “Cheapens” Her Own Songs

Vanderpump Rules Recap: An Accidental Insult?

Apparently, we know why Scheana was so into Super Rob – he gave her a truly orgasmic experience. As a final F-U to Shay, Scheana reveals that she never had an orgasm until last year. So, she has a ton of practice faking. See – Scheana is still acting like herself. Although even Lala is impressed with the caliber of Scheana’s softcore performance. I understand she has expertise... Also Randall the Human Sandal better watch out if Lala is that good at faking it!

After acting lessons, we learn that Billie Lee is furious that she wasn’t included in the planning of Girl’s Night In because she is also working that night. Billie is crying trans discrimination, but I am crying “hitching your cart to the wrong horse named James‘-ication.

In return, Katie is livid over Billie accusing her of being transphobic on Twitter. She decides this is an assault on her character.

James Kennedy

While all the girls of SUR are running around in negligees, James is at home. Once again, only Tom 1 is keeping him company. James feels gutted that Katie, of all people, is taking over his night at SUR. He consoles himself with coffee and by listening to the dying dolphin sounds of Tom’s trumpet of immortal turmoil. This definitely mirrors how James feels in his soul.

Over at SUR, Peter Madrigal warns Katie that James DJ’ed at SUR at least 3 nights per week so if this girl’s night is a success she better be poised to take on a couple other nights. Peter better watch out or he’ll find himself accused of being a James Sympathizer and not invited to any parties (too bad, so sad… #SarcasmOfTheDay)

RELATED:  Vanderpump Rules Cast Member Lala Kent Says She’s Seen James Kennedy “Suck On Boobies At Clubs”

Proving that she’s all body positively Katie even hired a plus-sized DJ. Take that, James! And kudos to her because the night actually is a success! There is a line out the door, people are partying, shots are being consumed, and Lisa is thrilled. Then Billie walks through the door to regale all the waitresses with tales of being left out of all the fun events because she’s not really a girl in the eyes of SOME of their co-workers.

Billie Lee

Um, it occurs to me that those girls Billie was complaining to also weren’t included in planning Girl’s Night In. Even though they also happen to be a) girls, and b) working that shift. It also occurs to me that Billie previously had an argument with Katie about James. Therefore, she is on Katie’s shit list. Which would explain why Billie wasn’t on the planning committee for Katie’s party. Now, I hate giving Katie credit for anything, but I don’t think her decision to exclude Billie had anything to do with “cis-privilege.” Although Katie is the cyst that SUR just can’t cut out!

Ariana understands how Billie is feeling. Billie is projecting a childhood of being excluded. However, Ariana also knows that Katie’s reasonings have more to do with a personal dislike of Billie than discrimination. I guess what Billie is truly pissed about, which they can’t say, is that she was the only cast member cut out of planning.

RELATED: Billie Lee Upset With Her Vanderpump Rules Co-Stars Over Girls Night Snub; Slams Kristen Doute

Katie Maloney

Ariana and Scheana try to explain Katie’s position to Billie, while also being sympathetic to Billie’s feelings, but Billie is not hearing it. Then Katie comes over to defend herself. They wind up in an argument with Katie accusing Billie of slander. Billie insists that she never called Katie transphobic. However, she does suffer from “cis privilege.” Um?

Then Katie and Billie take turns prostrating at the Louboutins of Lisa. First Katie goes over to receive accolades for the success of Girl’s Night In. Lisa suggests she replicate this every Tuesday, but Katie complains that it’s a lot of work. Also, I’d like to point out that this event was promoted by the show. They put out open casting calls announcing that it was being filmed. Katie did borderline nothing.

Lastly, Billie comes over to complain that Katie mistreated her and made her feel like she wasn’t a real girl. Billie reminds Lisa that every time Katie’s feelings are hurt she pulls the “fat shaming card.”

Well, Billie can do it with the trans-card. But, it’s not like she can change being trans whereas Katie can just stop eating. OUCH.

Lisa Vanderpump

Lisa is shocked. And I’m sure that somehow this will wind up being James‘ fault. After all, he was clearly feeding Billie information and had Tom’s trumpet rigged as a brainwashing instrument to destroy what’s left of Katie’s body positivity! Of course, James is also dumb, and being led by the even dumber Raquel, so who knows! #PastaOfTheDay #IdiotOfTheday


[Photo Credits: Bravo]