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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - Season 5

Welcome to a recap of Brandi Glanville‘s brief and storied history on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. Emerging from the shadows of the underdog to the unlikely fan-favorite she quickly collapsed into one of the most reviled Housewives in history. 

Boozdi-Brandi’s time on RHOBH spans incredible highs and incredible lows, but is dominated by her willingness to do anything in the name of drama. Brandi recently accused Bravo of encouraging her to be controversial to save the show from doldrums, but I’d say ratings disagree with that tactic. 

Below, we recap Brandi’s sordid tale from the Housewife who probably never should have been, to the Housewife who wasn’t. 

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SEASON 2 – Uneven Footing: 

Brandi joined RHOBH in season 2 ostensibly as a friend of Cedric, Lisa Vanderpump‘s nefarious Houseguest who was summarily ejected from Casa de Vanderpump but had no desire to resign from the limelight. Brandi immediately got off on the wrong foot with the group – which turned out to be her only foot – when she hobbled into the spotlight on crutches (from drunkenly falling off a pair of heels – red flag #1!).

Then Brandi let her son water Adrienne Maloof‘s lawn with his pee-pee and the cast really REALLY didn’t like her – or her F-bombs. Later we found out Brandi had never known Cedric at all, and had just conspired with him as a way to gain entry into Bravo’s elite (red flag #2!). 

Brandi, the scorned woman and Hollywood divorcé of a C-list actor, didn’t bother to hide her hotness or her ribald personality. Initially she seemed like a breath of fresh air to unseat the insufferable Kyle Richards, but the ladies of the RHOBH had no interest in letting Brandi play their Housewives games. 

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Brandi’s popularity came to rise at PamDana‘s game night, in a mansion that resembled an abandoned Hollywood prop house. It was there that Kim Richards and her totally wholesome frappucino got it twisted and hid Brandi’s crutches. Demonstrating her multi-octive F-Bomb dropping range covers shrill to glass shattering, Brandi accused Kim of using meth. In retaliation Kim and Kyle launched a dual attack against Brandi that included the infamous “SLUT PIG!” insult. Poor injured Brandi was essentially stranded on an island of a Big Lots Clearance Outlet microfiber sectional until she could hobble to safety. 

Lisa decided to bond with Brandi instead of tossing her out like yesterday’s Forever XXII walk of shame dress and they mutually benefited from this friendship. And Brandi’s association with Cedric disappeared as quickly as it appeared. While Brandi’s star rose in proportion to her friendship with Lisa, Kyle couldn’t cope! 

Kyle Zaps Brandi's Nipples With A laser pointer

Brandi made the mistake of going braless – which is oh-so mild in comparison to later indecent exposures –  to a belly dancing party and Kyle, who is the authority on all things fashion, repeatedly pointed a laser pointer at Brandi’s nips. Because we’re in 6th grade and Brandi is the first girl in school to get boobs. Brandi also kicked a drunken to the point of psych ward Taylor Armstrong out of said party, which resumed hostilities with Kamp Kyle. 

Brandi on Xanax in Hawaii

Eventually Kyle relented and invited Brandi on the cast trip to Hawaii, where Kim in the throes of a relapse diverted from Brandi’s microscopic butt floss and tipsy ways. However, Brandi’s itty-bitty bikini (mixed with Xanax) and flirting with Husbands and Gay Bull Mastiffs did not win her any friends – other than Lisa who was happy to share Ken

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But Brandi eclipsed all of that during the re-opening of Lisa’s restaurant SUR. Serving drinks was Scheana Marie, the one-time mistress of Eddie, who now coincidentally worked at SUR and Brandi handled that moment with grace – which was the first and only time Brandi has ever handled anything with dignity. Brandi, the poor forlorn single mom and martyr of cheated and abandoned women everywhere, had the collective audience drinking chardonnay out of her hands – especially when she ardently defended Lisa in the great coup at the reunion. 

SEASON 3 – The Girl Who Cried Wolf: 

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In her second season Brandi was on top of the world: LVP was her bestie, she was the fan favorite and a full-time Housewife (hello salary increase!), very rich newbie Yolanda Foster was gifting her with designer shoes, she was draping herself all over Ken Todd like an end of the night bootycall, she had a bestselling book and a storyline as the poor little single mom getting sued by the big-bad casino-owning heiress Adrienne Maloof

Brandi began the season battling drama with the completely unhinged Taylor, who slut-shamed her throughout several parties. Ironic, because the following season Brandi would become the new Taylor: drunk, deranged, and un-invitable.

Brandi waltzed onto the scene dropping super-secret Maloof secretions that Adrienne had used a surrogate to carry her twin sons. The fallout was great. Brandi would later try to accuse Lisa of putting her up to it as retaliation for the reunion. Uh-Oh… somebody’s lying! 

Brandi and Adrienne’s mutual-schadenfreude began in Ojai, where Kim and Brandi had a “moment” of apology and reckoning, causing Kim to tear-up. Noticing, Adrienne loudly brayed “Uh-OH – SOMEBODY’S CRYING!” thus accusing Brandi of hurting Kim. Brandi saw red, and then like the raging bull mastiff she is, went for blood. The ladies collectively clutched their pearls all season because Brandi had uttered a little phrase never-before heard by their saintly hears, ‘F–k You!’ Really, they should have asked, ‘Is that all you got?’ Because Brandi had plenty more!

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Brandi dropped the bomb about Adrienne’s family matter during a “ladies lunch.” Later Kim repeated the tale – at the opening for Mauricio’s The Agency – and all hell broke loose between Adrienne, Brandi, and Paul. The F-bombs were a’flying!

Brandi claimed that because of her “truth bomb” Adrienne and Paul were suing her, causing the already struggling single mother further financial distress, Lisa and Ken defended her, Adrienne would lose her job, and arguably the entire situation contributed greatly to Adrienne and Paul’s divorce. Later, of course, it emerged that this was yet another of Brandi’s tall tales. Adrienne and Paul had merely sent Brandi a Cease & Desist letter barring her from talking about the surrogacy, but Brandi misled everyone. Who is Brandi Glanville in this world?

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The morally corrupt Faye Resnick even got involved. Faye, a friend of Adrienne’s, was sic’d on Brandi to do Adrienne (and Kyle’s underhanded dirty work). For the time being we all bought hook, line and sinker Brandi’s tale of maligned woe. I mean, I’ll take any reason to hate Faye, so… 

Brandi’s irredeemable trashiness also began to sow seeds of seething resentment between herself and Lisa. Lisa tried, in vain, to enact Pygmalion By Bravo, but Brandi just grabbed the bottle and with a rebel yell guzzled more, more, more in response to Lisa’s “smothering.”  

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And soon Brandi would be out one protector and it was all down hill from there. The reunion was noxious, including Brandi accusing Kim of pooping on a pillow while in Paris. And wouldn’t you guess it these two human stains would wind up besties.

SEASON 4 – Et tu, Brandi?

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In one of the fastest falls from grace in Bravo history, Brandi went from being the Princess of Beverly Hills, and part of the “Dream Team” to living in exile on Planet Trash. I believe that’s in the Valley? By her third season of the show Brandi’s loose lips, flexibility with the truth, hard drinking, really, really bad fillers and face work, plus her unpredictable ways had made us grow wary and the shine had started to fade. Brandi who cried bully repeatedly, emerged the ultimate bully joined by her partner in crime: Kyle “Hair Flips” Richards. Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer! 

LITERATURE BY BRAVO: A BEVERLY HILLS FAIRY TALE

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Carlton Gebbia and Joyce Giraud joined the show. Brandi became quite close with Carlton, Jacqueline… not so much! And then, there was Puerto Rico, where Brandi accused Lisa of spreading rumors that Mauricio was cheating on Kyle because Kyle was so desperate for attention and a storyline. Tabloids in the suitcase was probably the dumbest fight in Housewives history. But the bloody civil war, which left Brandi defeated, would be the start of steady decline of drowning in her own filth

Tired of being under Lisa‘s manicured thumb, Brandi believed she could parlay her own popularity into taking over the show. She schemed with Kyle, and Yolanda to “check mate” LVP – but to the karma go the vengeance. Brandi grumbled over wanting to expose Lisa and Lisa’s sneaky ways;  like “using” Brandi to drum-up publicity for Vanderpump Rules by forcing her to interact with Scheana.

Brandi Kisses Carlton In Palm Springs

Even worse was when Brandi took her “unfiltered” one step further by making a racist comment to Joyce during a trip to Palms Springs and kissing Carlton in the pool. At dinner she was so wasted she repeatedly called Joyce “Jacqueline” and then “Hoy-say.” When Lisa tried to pry the bottle out of Brandi’s hands, Brandi accused Lisa of trying to make her look like a drunk. Brandi blamed her erratic behavior on personal problems: her dog ran away, her father wasn’t speaking to her, and it was somehow all the fault of Jacqueline!

Brandi and Yolanda in Puerto Rico

During the cast trip to Puerto Rico, Brandi organized a would-be mutiny against Lisa related to tabloids in the suitcase that contained tales of Mauricio cheating. Brandi insisted Lisa wanted her to confront Kyle about the cheating to embarrass her out of revenge. The other ladies piled on, accusing Lisa of being fake and manipulative. Lisa fled in the middle of the night. The season finale Brandi swore she’d expose Lisa, but instead she just exposed herself as a déclassé, ungrateful, backstabber. 

Off camera, Brandi was flashing one too many things as well, and sharing one too many lurid tales of hook-ups and sexcapades. Her mouth worked triple-time: she accused Lisa of using her, living in the Valley and once declaring bankruptcy. Brandi also said Joanna Krupa has a smelly pu&&y on WWHL and insisted she cheated with Mohamed Hadid while he was still married to Yo.

Brandi attacks Joyce in Palm Springs

Brandi continued to rely on the F-Bomb as her only means of communication. And frankly, it was well deserved when Joyce banished the Queen of Planet Trash to her homeland. 

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SEASON 5 – Lies & Fights And Absolutely Nothing Nice: 

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Boozdi’s final season of RHOBH would prove to be a dramatic one. Brandi was suddenly best friends with Kim and mortal enemies with Kyle. And after her plans to destroy Lisa flopped, she opted to turn her wrath on Kyle, who had now resumed a relationship with Lisa. On the bright note, Brandi finally apologized to Adrienne for her shameful secret-spilling way-back when… 

Her co-dependent and unhealthy friendship with Kim was seemingly fueled by alcohol. New Housewives Eileen Davidson and Lisa Rinna were also targets of Brandi’s instability and lies. She flung wine in Eileen’s face at a first meeting because Eileen refused to perform lines from Days Of Our Lives at dinner. During a poker night party at Eileen’s, Kim arrived obviously impaired, and Brandi wound up in a heated argument with Kyle over Kim. The ensuing fight led to Brandi claims that Kyle assaulted her. 

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Brandi “made amends” by showing up – uninvited – to Kyle’s incredibly insulting Tops & Bottoms party where she served as the ultimate insult. Brandi and Kyle ended up in an epic and explicit-filled fracas that has caused an irreparable rift in Kim and Kyle’s relationship. Despite, Kim continued to rely on Brandi and take her side against all else. Brandi discussed Kim’s sobriety with everyone who would listen, including Lipsa, and alluded to Kim needing an intervention. Brandi refused to own-up to the events which collectively imploded the entire season. 

Brandi Glanville

Her drinking seemed more out of control than ever – Boozdi got so sloppy drunk during a dinner party at Yolanda’s house she insulted Grammy winner Babyface, sat on David’s lap, and then demanded he sing about “finger banging.”  

On other fronts with her popularity in shambles, Brandi was trying desperately to redeem herself in LVP’s eyes. Brandi, as usual, went too far and broke a 100-year-old olive tree at SUR and offered to perform “what you mean cunnilingus” on Lisa. 

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Things only worsened during an ill-fated trip to Amsterdam. Brandi and Kyle nearly brawled in the streets, then Brandi slapped Lisa, but said it was a joke. Brandi sobbed on a boat trip claiming all the ladies hated her. She drunkenly hooked-up with a 23-year-old. Brandi also told more lawsuit tales of woe, accusing Eddie of suing her for over-paid child support. 

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Off-camera, Brandi repeatedly blogged about how Kyle wanted Kim to fail and that she was KimKillah’s only friend, then Brandi accused Kyle of ruining Kim’s daughter’s wedding, among other awful deeds. Brandi for once got legit sued, however, by Joanna who was tired of Brandi dragging her unmentionables through the mud. Brandi cried bullying all season: from editors, producers, Bravo, Andy Cohen, the other Housewives and retaliated by throwing wine in Jeff Lewis‘ face on WWHL.

The irascible behavior, culminating at the vitriolic reunion, proved to be Brandi’s undoing on RHOBH, and with rumors that the other Housewives refused to film with her or threatened to leave the show if she returned, Brandi announced she would not return for season 6. 

Let’s hope Brandi can pull it together, or at the very least keep her legs shut, her mouth closed, and take a long hiatus from twitter. 

TELL US – WHAT ARE YOUR BEST AND WORST BRANDI MOMENTS?

[Photo Credits: Michael Larsen/Bravo & Bravo.com]

 

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