Vanderpump Rules returns for its fifth season tonight. That means we’ve endured four seasons of binge drinking, bar fighting, cheating scandals, bad boyfriending, bad girlfriending, bad friending, b’atrocious fashions from bad employees who are slinging shots while slinging mud whilst trying Lisa Vanderpump‘s patience! But success tastes like a Pumptini after a long day at Bravo, so before we head into season five – which promises another wedding
with another bad wedding gown – let’s refresh our drink-addled memories with a toast to all the craziness from last season!
Because as unrealistic as it is to imagine 30-something bartenders and waitresses who have not evolved at all in their lives and are still bickering over the same puerile topics, we’re all kinda obsessed with the show. Below is a rundown of Vanderpump Rules biggest dramas and scandals from season 4!
CLICK CONTINUE READING FOR THE LIST!
JAX GETS JAX’D
After cheating, and cheating, and cheating s’more, Jax Taylor found a girl who just won’t quit! Brittany Cartwright moved her soon-to-be-fake boobs to L.A. and started squatting in his studio apartment. It was certainly the way to trap Jax! He tried to get out of Brittany’s imminent arrival (as she was driving cross-country with all of her Lisa Frank diaries and Barbie Dolls) by flirting madly with new gal Lala Kent, but moved in she did. Brittany wouldn’t budge even when Jax pooped with the door open! Instead she even tried to get herself a job at SUR by wearing a negligee, then managed to cozy up to all Jax’s buddies, thus making herself one of the group. And we all know everything on Vanderpump Rules is about Group Think as if they’re in a Dr. Zimbardo experiment!
RELATED – Jax Plays Savior And Pays For IVF!
If Jax had to be stuck with her, he decided to remake Brittany into his ideal
sex toy woman by paying for her boob job and choosing what size implants she should get. All the better for her illustrious career as a Hooters waitress…
SHAY’S GOT 99 PROBLEMS & SCHEANA’S THE BIGGEST ONE
After one year of wedded bliss, Shay turned to drugs and alcohol to escape the narcissistic chasm of Scheana Marie’s noxious wedding shrine. Scheana forced Shay to endure an intervention, led by his friends, where Scheana confronted him about avoiding reality (ahem!) by drinking and drugging too much. After forcing him to slurp a juice box and turn in his at-home drug results to big bad mommy, Scheana fed Shay tampons filled with tequila and planned a cocktail tasting for their anniversary. Right after announcing it was time to upgrade her ring.
RELATED – Did Shay Take The Money And Run?
Of course, Scheana cried all the feather-lash fake tears a Pretty Pony could muster when Shay tried to suggest that her nagging, over-bearing, self-absorbed, materialistic self had anything to do with his unhappiness.
It’s Kristen Time (The Kritter Who Won’t Quitt’r)
Despite getting fired from SUR, cheating on Tom 1 and Stassi with Jax, and then trying to break up Tom and Ariana over an Instagram stalkage situation, Kristen still managed to weasel and worm – or crash and burn, rather – her way back in. Who cares that her meddling almost broke up Tom 2 and Katie Too in the process! Whatever – Kristen completes them. Or she completes Katie, Scheana, and Jax, that is. With Kristen re-acclimatized into her rightful place as resident shit-stirrer, that cleared the way for Stassi’s retrieval of her place in the hierarchy as Queen Bee. First she had to unseat Scheana’s grasping, clawing, shaky crown. Just like Kristen had to clear that pesky Ariana out of her path. This is KRISTEN’s group, you guys – KRISTEN’s friends!
BEAMER SEX TAPES
James and Kristen finally went SPLAT!
Literally. James actually spit on Kristen’s door in their final breakup. I don’t even recall what the final straw was – Kristen thought James had a drinking problem (and he truly is a naaaasty, messy drunk). He believed she was cheating. There was also a sketchy Uber situation, but the major reason was likely that two delusional, ego-maniacal, nuts with no impulse control don’t make a right!
Since this is Vanderpump Rules and all, Kristen and James‘ breakup ultimately concluded with drunken sex on the hood of his Beamer. Then Kristen swiftly moved on to Katie’s former one-night stand, Carter. All is well that ends well in love and war in West Hollywood!
Lala joined the cast and so did her ta-tas, her suspicious ‘modeling’ career, and her roving hands, errrrr… I mean, eyes! While Lala never actually slept with anyone (save for a failed attempt with James), the girl faction of the SUR group labeled her a slutty home-wrecking ho bag because Jax flirted with her relentlessly while lying about the status of his relationship with Brittany.
Hilariously enough, JAMES actually cheated on Lala with Lauren, another SUR hostess – and left the trail of evidence to prove it. Yes, we learned far too much about James’ sexual proclivities and malfunctions last season. We also learned about his alcoholic mother and just how overly-indulgent Lisa can be. We also know that Lala is a good-time girl who usually passes out before the party favors.
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BABY ARIANA?
Tom 1 ruined Ariana, turning a happy, laid-back girl into Sulkiana. Or so says Scheana Marie who actually texted Ariana’s mom to voice her concerns over Tom and Ariana’s unhealthy relationship. While Tom and Ariana were trying to ‘Adult,’ their friends resented this normal progression through life’s stages because they were still at Toys R Us with Geoffrey the ‘I don’t wanna grow-up’ giraffe. Tom’s “grown-ups only” birthday trip to Hawaii caused a major problem when he refused to include his crazy ex, Kristen, on the guest list. Kristen even fake apologized to Ariana hoping to secure an invite. Alas, her dreams of palm trees and white beaches were not to be had! And the rest of the group just could not understand why Tom couldn’t ‘move on’ and BF with KD.
RELATED – Tom 1 Is Still Truly, Madly, Deeply
It was also apparently Tom 1‘s fault that Kristen missed the most epic and monolithic milestone of the century: Tom 2’s proposal to Katie! See, if Tom would’ve just acted, like, more of grown up by forgiving Kristen all her trespasses and pretending they’re, like, besties who beer bong, then everyone would be having fun. Know this, though: Jax will still always be the No. 1 guy!
The bottom line: Ariana and Kristen will never be friends. Can’t win ’em all!
SHADY SHADES ON INCARCERATED BEACH DAYS
Jax turned the cast trip to Hawaii into jail break when he heisted designer sunglasses form the hotel boutique and ended up locked up. The cast had to pony up $11,000 to secure his bail, and Jax pretended he was just too drunk to know he was snatching the shades. His mom, on the other hand, revealed Jax has always been one for the sticky fingers!
Later, Jax had a tearful epiphany and confessed to Peter that his life centers around his friends, and he really doesn’t know which direction the sun is shining most of the time. Poor guy!
SAY YES TO A LIFE OF DURESS!
Katie finally secured her hopes and dreams of becoming Mrs. Tom 2 after she badgered and ultimatum’d him into a proposal. Turning that ring on a string into a noose around his neck, Tom surprised Katie with custom-designed bling. She began the over-the-top wedding planning, and realized without her besties there is no happiness in life. Re-Enter the Kristen and the Stassi, but not the engaged people sexy times. No, never that!
Instead, Tom got a dose of Tequila Katie after he tried to defend his soul-bro Tom 1‘s decision to not to invite Kristen on his birthday trip to Hawaii. Being that Katie has sewed Tom 2’s balls into a cross-stitched pillow, he forgave her rage-a-holic meltdown and went through with the peach and lace themed engagement party at Villa Rosa. That rather scattered affair was sadly crashed by
mini ponies two very unwelcome guests – Kristen and Stassi, one of whom hijacked the party with her rambling self-aggrandizing speech. Oh Lala’s hair was also very there.
STASSI IN STASIS
After getting dumped by The Illustrious Patrick, of the desperately seeking women with ambition man-club, Stassi found her statement necklace business in tatters, her bank account irrevocably broken, and no place to call home. So she cozied up to Kristen, then shacked up with her! Kristen may have been easily overtaken, but Katie and LVP were a different story. No amount of groveling could alleviate Lisa’s side-eye, and Katie had her heart despaired by Stassi’s betrayal of leaving her for the loving embrace of Patrick in the wake of the solo sex tape scandal!
Stassi finally secured an audience with Tom 2 (and his shower shoes!) to beg her way back to Katie’s forgiveness. After surprising Katie and Scheana in Palm Springs for a girls weekend, Katie and Stassi began the slow, tortuous path to re-friendship. The healing aroma of Villa Rosa’s garden finally rekindled their BFF-dom during Katie’s engagement party.
Oh, and Stassi no longer blames Scheana for leaking her sex tape – now it is Lisa Vanderpump‘s fault!
TELL US – ARE YOU EXCITED FOR SEASON 5? WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON 4 MEMORY?
[All Photo Credits: Bravo]