Lisa Vanderpump

Vanderpump Rules Recap: Rotten Tomatoes

So, nothing really happened on last night’s Vanderpump Rules except that James Kennedy got fired and Brittany Cartwright made goopy neon orange sauce from stale beer, gourmet cheese, and ranch dressing. BECAUSE NO ONE HAS EVER DISCOVERED THE SPLENDORS OF BEER CHEESE.

James can’t eat beer cheese though because he’s given up alcohol for the 300th time. That, my friend, is a blessing in disguise. I have tasted this mythic beer goop that only comes from the bosom of mammaw’s Kentucky paws, you know, and meh. 

Tom Tom Interviews

Tom 1 and Tom 2 interviewed potential servers and bartenders for Tom Tom. Tom 1 treated the interviews with same high stakes intensity and determination he approaches skincare and costumes. In contrast, Tom 2 preferred to treat each eligible candidate as if they may be the person he finally leaves Katie Maloney for. Teddi Mellencamp Arroyaves brother Hud, who looks like he’s in training to be a cage fighter, is hired as a bar back. Even though he didn’t bring his photo album of cocktails he created.

Ariana Madix

Oh and Stassi Schroeder and Ariana Madix decided the theme for their birthday party will be winter in summer, “because nobody does that,”–  except for the whole Christmas in July thing! But that is a theme with this cast; taking things everyone has heard of and deciding they invented it! Especially douchebaggery.

So the episode opens with Katie acting like Tequila Katie, her phantom limb for so many very long years, was a figment of reality TV cameras imagination as she gives Lisa Vanderpump an ultimatum that James gets fired or Katie leaves SUR. Now if I were Lisa I’d be like HAHAHA – DUH. Bye Katie. Especially since for years and years and years Katie and her koven have been terrorizing people at SUR over everything. Like remember when they called Lala Kent a whore, and all the awful things they’ve done to Scheana Marie (and each other). Anyway, Katie claims she’s gotten a lot of help – called edibles – and now she’s above and beyond everyone.

No, James should not have called Katie fat. Still, Katie is an insufferable hypocrite and really has no business dictating how anyone behaves. And if she really feels that need, she should put her efforts into controlling Tom 2‘s drinking!

Beer Cheese

Lisa, the woman who spent all of the first season of Vanderpump Rules, tittering about how only the hottest people work at SUR and that it is a job requirement to fit into microscopic uniforms. Now she is all emotional about the very thought of women being victimized for their looks. While this is a good shift in priorities, it seems disingenuous to tie it to Katie, whose appalling behavior speaks for itself.

For clarity Lisa goes to Natalie and Guillermo, her business partners, to ask what they think. Natalie was like, um… See You Next Tuesday is a huge moneymaker and Katie is… an aging waitress who doesn’t even really work here. However Lisa owns 51% of SUR and 100% of Vanderpump Rules, so drama must prevail!

Honestly, if I were Lisa I’d be relieved that she finally had a reason to send Katie the way of Stassi and Kristen. Then deal with James. He definitely should face consequences for his lewd comments and drunken outbursts – and spend some time in rehab.

Lala Kent

Then because hypocrites are so funny, Lala strolls into SUR for her hostess shift on one such packed See You Next Tuesday, hot on the heels of attending MY MAN’S premiere of Gotti in NYC. Lala says people didn’t really understand the film because along with fat shaming glorifying mob movies aren’t popular. Except for, as Lisa points out, Scarface, The Godfather, Goodfellas, Casino… And then there’s The Sopranos

It is James who oh-so helpfully informs us that the movie scored a 0% – as in ZERO! – on Rotten Tomatoes. “It’s clearly harder to get a 0% than it is a 100%,” he chortles, reading from a list of such esteemed classic as Police Academy 4 and Max Steel. See THIS is why James gets a 100% rating in my rotten heart. Who else would hold these people accountable for their smelly shits?!

Anyway, yeah, Lala is in a horrible mood and decides to take it out on Raquel Leviss by feigning concern for her welfare if she continues dating James. Raquel, whose brain power works in intermittent spurts of genius, blinks to life to inform Lala that her whole pro-woman schtick is phony BS. Lala responds by clapping in Raquel’s face. She says her man is not Johnny Depp, or some A-Lister people are lining up to sleep with, so Raquel should be embarrassed to be with James.

Raquel Leviss

Um, are people really bragging about f–king Johnny Depp anymore (Or Randall Emmett??)? Clearly, Lala has a type called ‘aging and connected. If people really are so embarrassed to admit they f–ked James Kennedy WHY ARE THEY CONSTANTLY ADMITTING IT ON TV, season after season? (Including Lala herself). Also, why is Lala the expert on what Raquel is supposed to do? Raquel can clap too, you guys! In fact, maybe her brain works like Clap-On/Clap-Off?!

Furthermore, Lala is ostensibly having this intervention heart-to-heart with Raquel. However, it’s really Lala making it all about herself to prove she is THE SheWoman Power Feminist. She will not be told otherwise by someone she considers a dumb, failed gold digger. This inspiring chat ends when Lala, the Feminist, calls Raquel a “twat” for suggesting that Lala and Logan Noh, James’s two former bffs, are bonding over their hatred of James. Lala screeches that she and Logan are actually bonding over her deceased father and storms away. Raquel tries to apologize before bursting into tears. This prompts James to wrap up his See You Next Tuesday to console her. How can you kill Disco Bambi, Lala?!

So JAMES is the only person who is offensive and out of control at work? Shouldn’t James be giving Lisa an ultimatum that if people like Kristen Doute are going to constantly barge into his work accusing him of things, and people like Lala are going to constantly harass and name-call his girlfriend, he doesn’t feel comfortable working there? Fair is fair, so Katie should be fired too!

Also, Raquel is not dumb. After all, she does seem to have everyone’s number … except James’s. Because she sees a different side of him. Like the side that basically raised his brothers while his parents had a super nasty marriage and divorce, and battled drinking problems. His mom is now 9 months sober after spending most of James’ childhood drunk. To celebrate his brother graduating from college it is James who gifts him $5k, pays for the celebration dinner, and is also helping to support both his parents financially.

RELATED: Lala Kent Says She’s Seen James Kennedy “Suck On Boobies” At Clubs

Alas for Raquel it’s not about the pasta, it’s about the ice cream. Like in school she had learning challenges with multiplication so she had to watch Winnie The Pooh instead of attending a special ice cream party for kids who had mastered their times tables. But look now she’s graduated college, with, um…. that paper-y thingy that can get you like jobs.

So basically what I’m saying is that James and Raquel are the blind leading the blind.

Lisa has James come to Pump for a talk about his behavior, and he is dreading it. Interestingly Lisa scheduled The Talk during interviews for Tom Tom, which seems strange. Maybe she was hoping it would mitigate some type of emotional outburst?

Lisa sits James down and gently explains that she cannot condone his actions or the way he is treating women in her workplace, by keeping him employed at SUR. She also counsels him to quit drinking forever. James burst into tears, pitifully explaining that he’s supporting his entire family with his DJ gig at SUR (and the show) and promising that he’s changing. But like who does James think he is – Jax Taylor? He’s the only one who gets unlimited second chances. Oh, Jax and Katie.

RELATED: Katie Maloney Asks Lisa Vanderpump To Choose Between Her & James Kennedy On Vanderpump Rules

James Kennedy

I am so confused about why Lisa isn’t taking into account that KRISTEN stormed into James’s place of work, dragging this Hopeless creature behind her. Yet James is taking all the blame? As Raquel learned this does not add up! Does Lisa not know about Kristen and Hope? Why would she blindly take Katie’s word? This is a woman who is such an utter and complete trainwreck. She had learned her fiancé cheated on her in front of the dumpsters at SUR. Then blamed Lala.

James certainly needs help so Lisa is trying to make him see this latest firing as a wakeup call. But to me it teaches Katie that all her bad and awful behavior over the years has been OK. She’s never once faced a talking-to. She is still mistreating Scheana, who is so desperate to avoid the wrath of Kristen, Katie, and Stassi. Scheana actually sat James down for a lecture that as a girl, who is affiliated with SUR, she has to prove her loyalty by cutting him out of her life.

This is after Scheana used James to move an entire room of framed self-portraits, her imaginary friends and non-sexual life partners – to the car seats in her car so she can transport them to her new apartment nearby the Three-Headed SheBeasts.

So Merry Christmas readers – you get Katie’s victory in your stalking. (misspelling intentional!) And I give Lisa’s decision to fire James a 0% on Rotten Reality Tea!


[Photo Credits: Bravo]