Vanderpump Rules Recap: A Stariana Has Fallen

Whew! Last night’s Vanderpump Rules was packed full of drama, wrapped in Stariana’s delusion, and doused with the warm flat remains of Tom Schwartz‘s Coors Light after he passed out in some random person’s house.

Lisa Vanderpump will be working to stop Yulin forever. To accomplish her goal of replacing all people in the world with dogs she requires each SURvian to own at least one canine. Even James Kennedy, who gets left out of everything, is not exempt. And guess what – to demonstrate what a topsy-turvy world this is, his dog is the cutest. The only exception is Scheana Marie, who has a cat. Because Scheana is more of a pariah than even James, and obviously has to own a me-centric animal (true confession I am a cat person).

Everyone meets at Vanderpump Dogs to put a temporary tattoo on their face and get a photo with their pooch, then post it on Instagram. Including James. Whose firing is the talk of the pound as he strolls through the door with Raquel Leviss by his side.

Kristen Doute is disgusted. How dare James think he belongs here after being fired! How dare he think owning a dog redeems him! When Kristen describes James, I feel like she’s really talking about herself. Or she’s had some sort of lobotomy rendering her unable to remember her own past behaviors. Like that time she got fired, yet continued showing up EVERYWHERE. Kristen actually compares James to Charles Manson, although she’s the one who brags about stalking and annihilating people. Dissociation is fun! (Don’t try this at home, kids).

Lisa is the only person pleased to see James; sober, with a matte complexion, and not screaming at people. She pulls him aside to inform him of her plans to meet with his mother about how they can tackle his issues. Lisa decided to take James under her wing years ago and isn’t giving up. In fact, James’ failures feel like Lisa’s failures, and she still envisions a successful future for him. If he gets away from SUR probably!

After that optimistic conversation, it’s time for a reality kick in the nuts when Ariana Madix and Stassi Schroeder tell James that because Katie Maloney doesn’t like him he can’t come to their joint birthday party. The weird thing is they both agree Raquel can still attend. Shame, shame Ariana… capitulating to the Three-Headed SheBeast and losing your head to their indomitable jaws of destruction. But seriously, who died and made Katie goddess of SUR? I thought Lisa owned that restaurant, not Katie Jong-Un of Horror Island? Does anyone actually like Katie that much?

Poor James skulks away, hanging his head in shame.

In lieu of a dog, Scheana Marie is dragging Adam Spott along everywhere she goes. Here Spott! Sit Spott! Take off your shirt Spott! Now do me doggy-style, Spott! Scheana gushes that Adam makes her “vagina dance,” even though they haven’t had sex and he keeps insisting he doesn’t want a girlfriend. But does he want to remain on Vanderpump Rules? Because just ask James how cold, lonely, and disinvited the dog house is!

Scheana only really has like one speed,” warns Jax, “And it’s like psycho stalker girlfriend.” Considering that Adam is young enough to be riding a 10-speed, he should get on that and flee the attention of Mrs. Shay.

Lala Kent

Lala Kent meets Brittany Cartwright for something called a “booty smoothie,” which I assumed was a procedure to remove the beer cheese blockage in your colon. Instead, it’s some sort of mask they apply on your butt to make it Randall-Riding ready because he’s an ass man. Thanks, Lala for that image. Now I need a brain cleanse.

Booty Smoothies bring out the ass in Lala too. She informs Brittany that Tom 1 and Ariana don’t believe Jax has really changed. Um, no one thinks Jax has really changed. The butt-titian spreading white mayonnaise on Brittany’s thighs, who Jax probably DM’d after seeing this on Brittany’s IG stories, doesn’t even believe he’s changed.

Brittany Cartwright

Brittany vows to stand by her man come hell .. and all the other hells. Plus high water, high court fees, high bail amounts, high percentage of a baby mama popping out of the woodwork, and high chance of philandering. Perhaps Brittany needs to educate herself by watching Dirty John! Or visit Tom 1 for a lil after school special about the perils of Jax Taylor!

Meanwhile, Stassi is in seventh heaven with Beau Clark. She reminisces about the time Beau whisked her off to Europe for their five-month anniversary and raves about how different he is from Patrick, and how different she is now that she’s turning 30 and in a stable, happy relationship. At this mature age of 30 going on 13 Stassi is finally appreciative of all the good things in her life: her friends, her apartment, and mostly her man. I believe we call this term “FORESHADOWING.”

Later while picking out winter decorations with Kristen and Katie, Stassi continues marveling at her own maturity now that she is on the eve of 30. “I am past my birthday meltdowns.” She declares. Because again, FORESHADOWING. This show is getting so sophisticated in the cast members’ old ages.

Scheana already has her new apartment cluttered up with her self-obsession. And all of Jax’s stolen sunglasses. Now she’s holding Adam hostage putting together a daybed while sexually harassing him. She probably hangs him alongside a giant wedding photo in the place where Shay once was. Maybe Adam should give Lisa an ultimatum about being uncomfortable in the workplace!

James Kennedy's Mother Jackie

James’s mother Jackie visits Lisa at the soon-to-be Tom Tom so Lisa can reinforce that she is the good, successful mommy who will steer James to the right. Jackie is very upset that James was fired and feels he was unfairly targeted by people who are getting away with it, and now he is the only one being punished. Pretty much. Lisa just wants James to learn that women cannot be treated like dog crap and that his behavior, and his drinking, are out of control and unacceptable. Pretty much.

Look – Lisa makes very VERY salient points about James. He does need help, he should not drink, his family is a mess and they let him down, and his mouth is deplorable, but Lisa taking this whole women’s empowerment stance is ridiculous considering how she’s condoned Stassi and Katie’s behavior for years. Weren’t they running L.A. calling Lala a whore a couple seasons back? Jackie leaves with begging Lisa to rehire James so as not to decimate his self-esteem.

Next in this tour of Lisa Doing Good Works the Toms visit Villa Rosa for a little test called SURvian Sadiators. She is in the backyard literally nursing a sparrow back to health and helping it learn to fly again, when she sends Tom 2 scurrying off to carry boxes of uniforms into the dining room to count. With Katie’s (that’s a negative symbol) -1 gone and distracted by using his fingers to count, Lisa asks Tom 1 to continue to be a friend to James, and to support her and Jackie as they attempt to help him. An intervention team starring Jackie and Tom 1… Um, all I got is that Tom 1 is looking better and better every episode.

Of course, Tom 2 miscounted the uniforms and was off by about 35.

James gets an unexpected visit from Lisa

On the day of Stariana’s party Lisa drops by James’s house, unannounced, to let him know she has spoken to his mother and they both agree he needs therapy. While James frets that he should’ve set a tea towel on the sofa to protect LVP’s derrière, she shades Raquel for abandoning her man to attend his enemy’s party. I wish Raquel would’ve gone there dragging some guy Kristen cheated on Carter with! Except it appears that Raquel is classy. Bless her heart. James is contrite and swears he wants to be a better person who doesn’t drink. I BELIEVE YOU.

Stassi and Ariana rented a mansion to host their winter wonderland snow sisters party. Now that Ariana finally conceded to Stassi’s stalking, Stassi is steamrolling all over her and making all the decisions. Like how they have to dress as twins for this party. More especially Ariana has to turn herself into Stassi, wearing a wig styled like Stassi’s hair, and dressing in identical outfits and makeup, because Stassi doesn’t want Ariana “out-hotting” her.

Jax Taylor

Brittany chooses this moment to tell Jax how Tom 1 is suspicious of his engagement motives. “What right does Tom have to question me,” scoffs Jax.  LOL LOL LOL. How about the past, dude?! Like that time you were recorded telling your booty call you didn’t want to marry Brittany! Or am I not allowed to bring that up lest I get fired from SUR for upsetting Britty-Boo-Boo? Jax decides Tom is not really concerned just merely butt-hurt that Ariana won’t marry him. Maybe what Tom needs is a booty smoothie!

Katie is dressed like evil. And of course, Tom 2 is dressed like a Christmas elf “on bath salts.” Stassi’s mom wore Stassi’s dog’s blanket as a cape. Then she slurred at Beau, who was wearing an ugly Christmas sweater covered in Christmas lights, that he should have a light hanging from his package. And also an ornament. Just for her to open.

Tom Sandoval

Tom 1 won the night though. He looks like Mad King Ludvig in this amazing silver skullcap. But Scheana lost, as she sees Ariana get sucked into a blizzard of Stassi’s shenanigans, doing butt shots and boob shots, and dancing around like a toddler screaming about birthdays.

After stewing in anger over the truth hurting, Jax pulls Tom aside to lecture him about being an unsupportive friend. It’s totally productive to have a serious conversation with your friend while he’s wearing white contact lenses and chugging beers! Tom, who dubs Jax a “recovering sociopath,” reminds Jax that he’s prone to phases and doesn’t have the best track record, and Tom is concerned this new-Jax is a temporary reaction to his dad passing away. Jax insists that even if his dad was alive he still would’ve proposed to Brittany. Frankly, anyone who doesn’t anticipate that Jax will do something to screw up this marriage or engagement is Tom 2 an idiot.

Scheana Marie

Scheana is so sad to be frozen out of the Stariana Love-Fest Birthday Bonanza that she just looks on, with sad pony eyes in a droopy hat and cheap blond wig, wishing for all the world that anyone – ahem, ADAM – loved her. I’d consider it a compliment to be unwanted by that lot, but then again this is Me-Me-Meana, so…

Stassi & Katie argue with Raquel

At that moment Raquel waltzes in, all in silver, looking like a disco ball for reflecting James-hatred. Kristen rushes over with a welcome drink. Presumably to try and persuade Raquel to leave James and come to the dark side. Where there’s fake snow to go with your fake friendships! Raquel rightfully doesn’t trust any drink from Kristen. Roofied? Cyanide? Even worse Kristen’s germs! Because she taste-tests it to prove to Raquel how she didn’t put anything in there. Immediately Raquel is forced to get to work defending James, the evil body shamer of West Hollywood. He needs his own warning hashtag.

Raquel Leviss

Whether it’s because Raquel is sober, or because she is actually more mature and intelligent than these 30 year olds, she ably dismisses their whiny accusations and goes home to James, who is FOMO’ing on the sofa, resting his butt where Lisa’s once sat in the hopes that some of her success and sanity will rub off on him. Why is there so much talk about butts this episode?!

As the party winds down, Stassi gushes about Beau. How in love she is with him, how perfect he is, how much he understands her, how being with him has turned her into the New Scheana. Like did you know Beau can destroy Stassi’s love in 7 minutes or less?! Stassi decides to go to bed, because she is mature and 30 now, but Beau is more interested in partying with his new friends – her friends – instead of crawling into bed beside her, holding Stassi while she sleeps, and reassuring her that she’s the best, her birthday should be a national holiday, and that all his thoughts, dreams, and emotions are about her.

Stassi fights with Beau on her birthday

Since all is never enough for Prince Stassisis from the Anatoxic New Orleans Branch Dividian Drama Sector of the family, (remember when she told us she was related to royalty? LOL), Stassi calls Beau from their room about 20 times, and texts him 1 million demands to come to bed. When all goes unanswered she slams her phone onto the ground, cracking the screen. What happened to 30 is the year to grow out of birthday meltdowns? Well, maybe that can be a goal for her 40th! I’m sure she’ll still be on this show…


.[Photo Credits: Bravo]