Tom Sandoval & Tom Schwartz - Vanderpump Rules

Vanderpump Rules Recap: Tom Tom Tripping

This was a crazy episode of Vanderpump Rules with no winners or losers. OK, well, obviously Katie Maloney is a loser. The biggest loser, but still she’s allowed to dictate everyone else with her negativity and bullying. Even though it doesn’t appear that anyone likes her – even her own husband. I don’t know why, but Katie brings out the rage in me!

James Kennedy is a man of two strides forward (like a mini pony, not horse); two strides back into the time-out pen because he can’t play with the other horses without nipping their flanks and kicking up manure.

TomTom is about to open and Tom Sandoval and Tom Schwartz decide to celebrate by taking a pre-professional people vacation. And what a long strange trip it will turn out to be! As Lisa Vanderpump said, “Sometimes trial has error.”

To prepare for the official launch party, Tom 1 decides to bail on setting up shop to focus on the important things in life – buying a motorcycle with sidecar so he and Tom 2 can arrive in style on opening night. Obviously Tom 2 is in the sidecar. That is his lot in life: to Katie, to Tom 1…

Tom dresses in his most hardened motorcycle biker look: a vegan leather jacket with gold shoes and arrives with $15k to spend. On a sidecar. Ariana Madix is unimpressed with Tom’s latest spendthrift scheme – after all she has some oceanfront property in Arizona she’s hoping he’ll invest in!

Tom justifies that he will only have one first bar opening. Plus, it’s basically the closest he’ll ever get to walking down the aisle with Tom 2, because Katie will kill him and roast him on a spit like a pig before she and the other Three-Headed Shebeasts devour Tom 1 and wash him down with Witches of WeHo wine and agave-free tequila.

This was actually a defining episode for the Toms. Their loyalty structure was shooketh to the core as Tom 2 lost his chest hair to Ocam’s Razor, but became a man. A man controlled by Katie, instead of Tom 1! It was an emotional divorce that will leave them both imperiled for decades to come. Tom 2 may have conquered his fear of confrontation and even called James a bitch — meekly and to his departing back after whining, “Don’t talk about my wife!”-  but his heart was not in it. Look, I want to feel sympathy for Katie’s self-esteem, but she is such an awful person – so bitter and judgmental – that I just want one of Lisa’s swans to peck her tongue out.

Now we must trot back in time to revisit last week when everyone was ranting that Kristen Doute‘s relationship with Carter sucks.

Stassi Schroeder visits Brittany Cartwright post dental surgery. Basically the second Brittany woke up from anesthesia she took a Jell-o shot. Localized anesthesia? Stassi has the rare gift of a third eye being able to see in others what she also sees in herself, so she diagnoses Carter was being born a brat, and therefore will die a brat. Brittany just wishes Carter would “get better, like Jax.” The delusion of that statement renders even Stassi speechless. For just a second as she tries to compose her face into a neutral expression. Thank god for early-onset Botox!

The grody to the max triplet brothers of Tom 2 are in town to celebrate TomTom, which means a night out in LA. James has arranged a table at club he’s DJ-ing. This is James in his real life – as substantiated by instgram – away from the narrative that he’s some loser who is desperate for Katie’s approval, and we see him DJ an enormous sold-out show at OHM. So why does James want to return to SUR? Because SUR is home and “family.” Later Lisa even asks him this and James shrugs that he basically craves her approval.

Here’s where things cross an invisible boundary to a strange land: Katie and Ko. aren’t just merely getting James fired from SUR, they’re trying to have him axed from Vanderpump Rules. Production is not venturing through the 4th wall to discuss this, but Lisa and Tom 1 are well-aware of what’s at stake. That’s what makes Katie’s behavior all the more reprehensible. If Katie is unhappy with the way she looks and wants to be a thin ‘Ariana’ – she needs to do something about it besides wake-n-bake, then booze it up with Stassi. /Rant Paused.

Tom & James Kennedy - Vanderpump Rules

Transported by the sounds of OHM and the bliss of a drama-free boys night, Tom 1 proposes a vacation before he and Tom 2 wed themselves to TomTom, aka each other. Does that mean divorce from the Katinator? Or is Tom 2 going to wind up in the next season of Seeking Sister Wife?

In their euphoria a critical mistake was made: the Toms invited James. Tom 1 rationalizes,”James has been punished enough and then some. Time for everyone to stop ganging up on him… and get over it. Like they’ve done with everybody else.” Co-sign! Except Tom has forgotten who he’s dealing with here: MONSTERS. Jax Taylor knows this going to end badly. And when Jax is looking like a MENSA candidate that’s scary.

Being disloyal to dogs of Vanderpump Kingdom, Ariana, Katie and Stassi visit a Cat Cafe. Which is basically a place to pet rescue cats while bitching and drinking cold press.

Meanwhile the Toms go grocery shopping. Together. I thought they were supposed to be marrying TomTom… not actually the other Tom? As Stassi is savaging Kristen’s relationship and comparing being saged to a “dagger,” the Toms wax poetically about a glorious trip to Puerto Vallarta to celebrate the finest summer bodies have to offer.

Stassi Schroeder

Back at the Cat Cafe, Stassi reveals that Kristen is currently on a rampage of  ‘I love Carter‘ Instagram posts. Because deflection much. Someone probably needs to storm into their workplace, dragging along some guy or girl one of them cheated with to blow this relationship up. Except, oh wait – neither Kristen nor Carter work, and Brittany already admitted to cheating with Kristen, so… um… maybe Kristen should just sleep with Jax again instead!?

After buying maxi pads, tissues, and CBD chocolates Tom 2 calls Katie to announce the good news: Mexico; and share the bad news: James. He blames Tom 1 for inviting James, but doesn’t bother to reveal his own role in the situation. Katie explodes. James is not allowed to go and she is allowed to make the decision for everyone. “Boom. Pulling Rank,” she snaps. I really wanted a giant cat – Salem? – to sit on Katie’s head and shove its tail in her mouth. How is it again that Katie’s opinion carries any weight anywhere (pun intended). Also doesn’t Ariana’s opinion count? Ariana hates Jax — he’s still invited and she’s not throwing a fit! They all hate Carter, who just screamed at Katie and allegedly verbally abuses Kristen, but no problem there!

“He’s the one that fucked up, not me. Fix it,” whines Katie. But Ariana is annoyed – why is Tom 1 always blamed? Why is  Tom 2 always throwing her Tom under the bus to avoid his fearsome Tyranasaurus Rex of a made-for-TV wife because he doesn’t want her to turn him into the potato salad side served beside a roasted Tom 1. Also Ariana likes James. Conundrum! No-Fun-Drum!

Carter and Kristen go to a fancy restaurant to celebrate their anniversary and I hope Kristen left her wallet at home! Carter would so get stuck doing dishes. They reminisces about their first date – aka that time Kristen ended up having sex with Carter on his kitchen floor after he lied to her about having a sofa for her to sleep on when she drunkenly went home with him. A relationship that begins on a lie, ends on national TV?

Kristen Doute - Vanderpump Rules

Carter and Kristen proceed to spend the entire dinner bickering about how her friends suck, and who is meaner to whom in their relationship. “Am I hard to love?” Kristen asks herself, and the world. Yes – Kristen you are, and so are your friends, the giant outdated albatross of a statement necklace dragging around your neck . Before dessert is served they are arguing and Carter does this creepy serial killer chuckle in response to Kristen demanding that he start being nice to her … no matter what. OMG he’s such a douche. He should just start dating Katie.

For all Katie’s accusations that Kristen is practically celibate, Tom 2 is so desperate to get laid he buys a bag fully of mini booze and accompanies Stassi to a waxing salon to remove the tiny stripe of chepsthood the previously defined his manhood in hopes of arousing Katie. Stassi is there to vajazzle her vagina. Vajazzling, really? That is just so season 4 of Real Housewives Of New York.

Stassi & Tom Schwartz

While Tom 2 is that uncomfortable pre-wax predicament of needing a drink and having no idea what to expect, Stassi confronts him to demand he rescind James‘ Puerto Vall-ARNT-CHA invite. “None of us want to be around him,” she declares. Um, how many people want to be around Katie? Or Kristen? Or Carter? Or Stassi herself?

Stassi gets a tiger claw rhinestone on her crotch, then holds Tom’s hand while he cries through having the last vestiges of his masculinity summarily ripped from his body thus turning him back into a 12-year-boy who needs permission from his mommy. Once again Katie has forced Tom to do something painful and regrettable.

At SUR during girl’s night, Scheana Marie convinces Katie to trek out to the west side by uttering the magic word “enchilada.” Being civil to Scheana put Katie in a bad mood so she turned her wrath to Tom 2 to demand that he handle the James situation immediately. Tom agrees to tell other Tom that if James is going, he’s not.

Tom 2 pulls Tom 1 out back to the dumpsters behind SUR – of course – to beg him to uninvited James to save his own skin. The skin he literally had ripped off his chest. Why is Katie ruining Tom’s crowning achievement by making it all about HER? Can’t she focus on Pucker & Pout instead of James?!

This is where Team Chill turned into Team Kill. Because Ariana comes out to sets Tom 2 straight – Tom 1 is always blamed for their mutual stupidity and she’s well-aware that Tom 2 also invited James, but is playing innocent to avoid upsetting Katie. I’ve often been wishy-washy about Ariana, but I like her like this. It reminds me that she used to have spunk and soul, and frankly I have always been a hardcore Tom 1 apologist so I like seeing someone defending the guy that always has a sidecar reserved for the underdog.

Tom Sandoval - Vanderpump Rules

Of course Katie stomps out to intervene on her own behalf and call Tom 1 dumb for defending James. Cue the pivotal moment when Tom 1 tells Katie everything we’ve been wanting to tell her for years: she says horrible things about everyone, but can’t take it when it’s directed back at her. Katie immediately starts crying about how she’s been dealing with fat shaming for years, and it’s not fair. While that’s true, Katie is no innocent in distress.

Katie Maloney - Vanderpump Rules


Tom 1 is not swayed. “You’re a bully,” he snaps, slamming his glass in the trash, then storming inside with Ariana.  Tom 2 unconvincingly tells a sobbing “Bubba” that he’ll always love her while calling an Range Rover Uber to take them home to their sad little dysfunctional rats nest.  Enraged, Tom decides two can play the ‘tattle to Lisa’ game. He asserts that James didn’t deserve to be fired because “Katie’s been an asshole to people for years. Fair is fair, Lisa.”

I am fine with Lisa firing James for appalling behavior – especially to help him get his life straight. But I’m NOT fine with Lisa ignoring the part Kristen and Katie played in attempting to humiliate James and destroy his relationship.

Lisa Vanderpump - Vanderpump Rules

Lisa warns Tom 1 that he will be sacrificing his partnership with Tom 2 by forcing him to choose between his friend and his wife, and that Tom 2 has to appease his wife. Tom 1 realizes that on some level he is also married to Katie. He is a Brother Husband with satan.

We all know that by the next day Tom 1 will lave capitulated, and sure enough he and Tom 2 have a heart-to-heart where Tom 1 agrees to sacrifice James to save their relationship. Katie can’t have hurt feelings, you guys!!!!! Except why does Tom 1 have to be the one to solely uninvited him? Because as Ariana said Tom 2 was also part of the invitation committee.

With Tom and Tom back on track Lisa announces that after a friends and family preview, the bar is officially open. At that moment James arrives to ask Lisa about DJ-ing at SUR on Saturday for Billie Lee‘s brunch. After taking anger management and doing lamaze he is able to control his anger … until the name “Katie” is mentioned. I feel you, bro!

James Kennedy - Vanderpump Rules

Which means it’s time for James to learn that he will not be joining them at Puerto Vallarta or at the opening at TomTom because Tom 2 must stand up for his wife. James’ anger management goes right out the window as he yells at Schwartz for being a pussy and calls Katie a bitch. “Katie can’t be happy in her life unless she’s hating on someone and usually it’s her f–king weasel husband, Schwartz,” he seethes. Despite promising that he’s changed, James winds up being escorted out of TomTom by Lisa and Tom 1, after nearly starting a fist fight with Tom 2. STOP FIGHTING OVER KATIE, PEOPLE!

Sigh – it might be time for James to cut his losses and declare SUR a lost cause. He deserves a spinoff anyway.


[Photo Credits: bravo]