Stassi Schroeder is still milling around Los Angeles lost adrift the skeletons of the friendships she buried when Saint Patrick of the Mount Perfectionist Adultiness loved her. Now, knocked down to mere mortal status, Stassi is alone and friendless with only Kristen Doute (and Anonymous Stassi Schroeder Klone No 1. Kristina), to consume Pinot and laments with her. Luckily our trusty friend Lala will remedy allll that!
Over on the homefront – SUR – Jax Taylor is back at work after his shoplifting suspension but no one is glad to see him. Lisa Vanderpump isn’t finished with her tough love just yet! To really remind Jax of what a bad boy he’s been, she orders him to do *gasp* COMMUNITY SERVICE. She’s like a an uber-glamourous court circuit judge with a vendetta! Lisa remands Jax to gather all his unworn clothes to donate to charity. Plus, he has to force the Toms to do this with him.
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This may seem as simple as wrestling with cotton candy, but we’re talking about three vain manly men for which a sweater collection encompasses about 60% of their self-worth. The other 30% is hair products, with 10% left over for perfect spray tan. Jax is highly alarmed by the insurmountable task Lisa has placed in front of him. Liquidate the designer t-shirts = WeHo Horror Story: The Closet!
Tom 1 isn’t too worried because he has other things to focus on, like his band Charles McMansion sinking thousands into a music video, because Tom 1 decided it’s finally time to enter the world of adulting with a real job and some real ambition. He’s finally taking his music career seriously. He’s also doubling-down on his ’employment’ promoting LVP Sangria. Tom 2, on the contrary, realized he’s unable to commit to sangria when he can still coast on his fat roll through modeling jobs. That’s where his passion is – in the nebulous world of non-committal careers which require nothing of him but the occasional perm. Tom 2 gathers his wits to inform Pandora and Jason that he’s not ready for a grown-up job.
Back to Lala, she lives in Stassi’s old apartment with a girl named Dani who also works at SUR, therefore it’s only fitting that they invite Stassi to their housewarming party. Lala invited all of 6 people and four of them despise Stassi, so this should be totally fun! Lala also invited Jax – why?! This girl is a serious masochist! James and Jax?! – but Jax was too emotionally distraught over parting with sweaters and couldn’t deal. Tom 1 and Ariana Madix arrive, shortly after followed by Scheana Marie, toting along Shay. Shay has to cash in a token for every drink he consumes, so Scheana can monitor that he’s buzzed and fun, but not trashed!
Katie Maloney was not invited – in fact Lala made an explicit point to tell Katie she was not invited. Just in case Katie may wonder why she was not invited. It’s because Lala and Katie don’t like each other. Stassi was so sweet to Lala when they met years ago in LA, so Lala has always retained a soft spot for her. Who is this Stassi Lala speaks of?
The party is all kinds of awkward with several people crammed into a small apartment trying to avoid each other. Upon spying Stassi in the corner, huddling against a bottle of vodka, Shay remarks, “It’s like seeing a ghost. That’s a bitch. Like a bitchy ghost. A ghost bitch.” WOOOOOOOW – deep. Now I understand how he got stuck with Scheana!
Tom ignores Stassi until he’s had a few shots, then he collects his ovaries to confront her about hurting Katie. Tom 1, for one, is not fooled by Stassi’s phony apology tour – he calls her out over her “bullshit” and discarding friends who don’t benefit her, but now crawling back because her life is in shambles. Stassi simpers lethargically. Ugh – down on her luck Stassi sucks. I wanted her to eviscerate Tom with a straw, promptly snatch his penis up and shove it in her purse, and then offer to sell Ariana his balls back for a fair and unnegotiable price of indefinite horror, before waltzing out, snagging a bottle of tequila on her way to the door. But not so. In her low-rent Stevie Nick’s ensemble, Stassi huddles against the insults until she finds comfort in Scheana of all people. I call this: New Lows.
Over shots Scheana and Stassi finally iron out the mysteries of why Stassi suddenly hated Scheana. When the unnamed ex-boyfriend attempted to sell Stassi’s sex tape, he came to Scheana for a tabloid referral. Stassi always believed Scheana helped him. Instead, it turns out, Schena never did, never would, and told him to f–k off. Hearing Scheana admit this is, which to Stassi equates to Scheana ‘owning up’ to her role in the sex tape getting out, is a new dawn for Stassi! She has been vindicated after finally getting an apology from Scheana!
HUH?! Wait! So, Stassi has been accusing Scheana of this heinous deed for over a year, without ever confirming if it was true, yet she believes Scheana owes HER an apology?! And no, in case you’re wondering, Stassi did not apologize to Scheana for thinking the worst of her. (Which, I understand how it’s possible to think the worst of Scheana, but the other side of this equation is Stassi, so that sort of cancels out any worst thinking!) And no, Scheana did not ask Stassi for one, she was just thankful and excited she was about to be returned to the basking glow of Stassi’s affection. Dang – this bitch is some kinda magic!
Oh, by the way, Stassi still blames Scheana for ruining her friendship with Katie, because if Scheana would have confessed all this months ago Stassi never would have been mad, never would have ditched them for Patrick (YEAH RIGHT!), and never would been forced to oust Katie from her life. Yep, Stassi hasn’t changed a bit – Tom 1 is right: still the same old self-serving bitch!
The real reason Stassi forgave Scheana: She arrived at the party prepared to beg and bearing gifts – a bottle of Pinot Grigio with a big, blue bow. The way to Stassi’s heart is always through her alcoholism.
The next day, over Red Bull vodkas (at noon), Stassi fills Kristen in. She’s surprisingly happy to report that she’d consider being friends with Scheana again. Kristen is overjoyed at the prospect of having the Three Amigas back together again – The Amigas being herself, Stassi, and Katie – ominously there is no mention of Scheana. So, once again, Scheana has been used when it’s convenient, then cast aside. Maybe this emancipation of Katie is legit and she’ll no longer be Stassi’s puppet?
Kristen also has no time for Lala, whom she dismisses as several steps-down from herself on the classiness ladder. #ROLLINGMYEYESDANGEROUSLYHARD
Since Katie, Tom 2, and Jax skipped Lala’s housewarming party, and Brittany Cartwright is at the Playboy mansion for ‘work,’ they get Mexican food. Scheana texts Katie updates on Stassi’s everything – who she looked at, what she said, if her scarf is crooked. These girls are OBSESSED over someone they supposedly do not care about! That’s when Tom reveals that he invited Stassi to their engagement party and Katie spazzes. Oops, thinks Tom 2, slowly digesting this latest failure.
Things get worse when he, Tom 1, and Jax meet at Lisa and Ken’s to drop off their clothing donations. As difficult as it is to part with their prized possessions and bits of their superficial souls, it’s even more terrible for Tom 2 to be chastised by Lisa for “pussing out like a big bloody wussy-pussy” over quitting LVP Sangria, thus giving up on the opportunity for a lucrative career. This is future progress he’s purportedly shunning, which is attached to his future with Katie! To make themselves feel better Tom and Jax steal some of the shirts Ken has donated. THEY STOLE SHIRTS FROM CHARITY!!!!! I call this: Beyond Help.
Kyle Chang, who designed Katie’s engagement ring, is throwing a party at PUMP in celebration of marriage equality. No, it makes no sense to me either, but what do I know.
Low and behold, Tom 2 is about to get his ass handed to him – again – this time by Katie. Katie is furious that Tom balked on ‘a real job’ and lectures that because they’re now engaged it’s time for him to give up the fantasy of making it as an actor/model and pursue real goals. Just like Katie did when she gave up being an actress/model as a pipe dream, to which Tom 2 points out, unhelpfully, that Katie never actually acted or modeled professionally, like Tom 2 has. Katie gets all enraged over being confronted with the truth. But c’mon Katie – your ‘real job’ consists of waitress/beauty blogger. What Katie is really saying is that SHE will continue ‘blogging,’ while Tom 2 gets a real job to provide – after all she wants a family someday!
Tom 2 sinks into the regret of what his life has become, curses himself for always being so passive and ambivalent, and wonders just how HOW he can stave off the entrapment of adulting without becoming Jax.
Speaking of, Jax is buying Brittany a new set of boobs. Jax believes this act makes him a benevolent, caring boyfriend. Jax decided to pay for the boobs as a reward for Brittany supporting him through the sunglasses stealing debacle, but also because he knows the surgeon, who is offering a discount. As a reward for his own caring gesture, Jax decides this gives him the right to dictate the size and shape of Brittany’s new boobs. Jax has very specific requirements: they must be big, but not porn star big; they must be natural and teardrop-shaped, not overly perky; and he must be able to shove his face in them any time he wants, because they are HIS. Should Brittany ever break up with him, Jax will sue her for custody of his customized boobs.
Ariana is disgusted. Her side-eye couldn’t get any more horizontal if keeled over dead.
Kristen crashed the PUMP party, bringing along her newest new boyfriend Carter, a guy she met on Tinder after sleeping with Aleks 4 times. Kristen proceeds to make out with Carter nauseatingly right in front of where James Kennedy is DJing. Lisa instructed James to refrain from drinking and ignore Kristen. When Kristen didn’t receive any drama-seeking attention, she scuttled away yanking Carter, his perfectly man-scaped beard and his trilby, away. Is it possible that there exists someone more cheesy metro than the Toms? Yes.
After the PUMP event Scheana Marie has an after party at her Shrine For Narcissim, officially known as her wedding portrait museum of nausea, otherwise known as her apartment. It’s an uncomfortable and depressing party, filled with people weighed down by unresolved issues, all being stared down by portraits of Scheana’s phony smiles. Like being haunted by a ghost – a bitchy ghost!
Katie is sulky over Tom 2 inviting Stassi to their engagement party. Katie reveals the betrayal to Scheana, who is shocked, but promises Katie she truly believes Stassi’s reform is sincere. So quickly Scheana is already under Stassi’s spell! Tom 1 is the lone hold-out!
Ariana is still pissy with Scheana over the mom-texts-lies, and Scheana’s lack of contriteness. Jax is amped up on his own delusion and explodes into a rant about Brittany’s boob job. “I don’t know what’s up with Jax lately,” muses Tom 2, “but he’s been acting really weird.” Indeed – he’s practically foaming at the mouth about how paying for Brittany’s boobs entitles him to get what he wants! Even though Brittany wants a C or a Small D cup, Jax demands a DD, and wants them to look like Sarah’s boobs – Sarah being Peter’s girlfriend. Jax showed Brittany photos to illustrate. It’s beyond uncomfortable for Brittany.
Tom 2 is le sads over sucking at adulting. Tom 1 comforts his soulmate, reassuring him that it will be OK because Katie accepts him for him. I LOVE THE TOMS. I do! I do! Their friendship melts my heart.
In the middle of Tom’s consoling pep talk to Tom, Jax wanders over to announce that he talked to Pandora about working for LVP Sangria. He lectures Tom 2 about needing to to grow the F-up, then yells at him for inviting Stassi to the engagement party. He unkindly accuses Tom 2 of being used by Stassi because he’s “weak” and pathetic. Jax lecturing someone on growing up and doing the right thing is the most laughable thing I’ve ever heard on this show!
Since Tom 2‘s fragile ego can take no more beatings, Tom 1 defends him ardently, telling Jax to back off. I agree – when a friend is down, you don’t pile on! Shitty! In response, Jax screams at Tom 1 that he’s the “number 1 guy” in their friend group so he better respect that. UHHHHHHHHHHHHH? Jax also rips on Tom 1 for fighting Tom 2’s battles instead of letting him ‘man-up’. Tom 1, disgusted, pushes his granny glasses up on his nose, and stomps out. “How can you say that shit to me, man?! Come on man – you’re being so lame, man! What the f–k, man?!” Tom shouts in rebuttal. The word “man” is most-certainly ironically over-used in this context!
TELL US – DOES STASSI OWE SCHEANA AN APOLOGY? IS EVERYONE BEING TOO HARD ON TOM 2? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH JAX?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]