Last night’s Vanderpump Rules featured dueling birthday trips – one made no attempt to be classy and the other pretended to be something they’re not.
First up, Ariana Madix grabbed the Toms and Jax Taylor for an RV trek around Sonoma Wine Country, which ground to a halt at a NASCAR track for wieners and wienies. The wienie being Tom 1 who whined and cried – in front of Ariana’s brother no less – that Ariana doesn’t find his man bun and overall short-alls attractive enough to f–k. The poor Toms – it seems they have something in common, in that their ladies would rather do anything but them.
But first there was the drama over The Missing Lala.
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A mysterious disappearance occurred. Lala Kent was supposed to be part of The Destiny Trek to Inner-Redneckdom, but she failed to show at the airport, then sent Ariana a lame-ass text apologizing for bailing on her boo-girl. Jax marvels that all this time he was wasting his precious few brain cells coming up with complicated excuses for bailing on girls when he could have just texted a flippant ‘sorry.’ Then Tom 1 comes rolling around the corner in an RV and all thoughts of Lala are temporarily forgotten.
Brittany Cartwright is ecstatic to see that RV. It’s like coming home. Inside, there is concern over the fart factory that is Jax, who also has nasty odor emanating from his post-breast reduction compression ‘bro’ combined with his shower-less state and exacerbated by the Axe body spray (probably Designer Imposters) that he’s fumigating his underarms with a la a teenage boy. Tom 2 barely notices… so blissfully at peace he is away from Katie Maloney. Katie who is strangely the happiest and most fun we’ve seen her all season away from Tom. Tom declares that distance is good for relationships. Uh huh.
Yes, Katie is in her happy place in Montauk, firmly ensconced in the the plaits of Stassi Schroeder‘s under-braid and uni-boob, to celebrate the many-splendored wonders of prepsters. Unfortunately, there is a fourth-wheel on their trip, and that wheel is a square named Scheana Marie. The fun police is further bitter when she finds out Lala bailed on Ariana’s trip, because otherwise Scheana would have been invited. Um… no, Scheana, you weren’t invited because you ditched Ariana for the three-headed she-beast! And to Montauk you will go.
Kristen Doute doesn’t get Montauk. Like, it’s a beach resort. And, like, what do people do on beaches but, like, sit around and, like, do nothing, which is pretty much Kristen’s entire life, so she could have avoided paying for a plane ticket and just stayed home to do nothing. But then Stassi wouldn’t get to wear her hideously unflattering collection of striped wardrobe pieces (OMG – those shorts she wore on the beach with the uni-boob bathing suit! My eyes are crying tears of vodka!).
At the Montauk Beach Club in Stassi and Katie’s room, they are already predicting how Scheana will overtake this trip with her wet blanketism and try to make Stassi’s birthday all about Scehana. As if it’s possible to make Jesus’s Birthday about anyone else – I mean, it’s already a national holiday in which we all gather around a giant bottle of Sauvignon Blanc, draped in white satin, decorated with diamonds, atop which sits Stassi, and at her feet we bestow gifts. Mostly booze. Sometimes bad boyfriends.
Scheana so does not want to be on this trip, and she has her sour grapes all tucked up in her cheeks giving her a permanent snooty, puss-face. I mean, her workout regimen is set on ‘Summer Body,’ so she will not be drinking beer and booze on the beach, plus Stassi stole her straw and Scheana cannot consume ice cause of her teeeeeth. Oh for god’s sake – this is the same woman who chugged tequila from a tampon last year. Shut it, Scheanners (although I agree with her that shots have too much sugar).
Well, Stassi will not be out-done in her attention-seek, so she starts sniffling, oh so gently, about Patrick dumping her – yet again – and now she’s single, alone, and forever tainted by the stain of Jax. It’s just not fair: Kristen is in a 90% perfect relationship, Katie is engaged to a man who is so relieved to be away from her he relishes sharing an RV with Jax’s compression ‘bro,’ and Scheana is soon-to-be-divorced. Now that is something to compete for, girls! But, on the surface, they all look 90% perfect and that’s what counts, right?!
Stassi, however, is so sad and alone she’d let a seagull shit on her if only to give her a sign that someone is out there noticing her (later that sign will come from a lighthouse’s fog horns).
While the Three-Headed She-Beast (plus Scheana, the extra tail that sometimes falls off and must be nailed back on while she sulks and mopes), complains over drinks about the lack of Montauk nightlife.
The Redneck convention hits up wine country, where they quickly dissolve into a game of high/low in which loser has to drink the back-washed wine from the spittoon. Ariana wins that honor. GAG. Neither Jax nor Brittany are classy enough to handle wine – Brittany professes her undying love for Wild Turkey, which is also what Jax has named the special place where Kristen allegedly licked. Tom 2 pretends he was a sommelier in his past life. Who does he think he is… Lisa Vanderpump?
After wine country shenanigans, they all hop back into the “winebago” to drive to their Mecca; the motherland: NASCAR. More tequila is required to power this hell beast on wheels into the park-n-lodge lot, but where there is a will, there is a way, right?
Meanwhile, back in L.A., James Kennedy appears on the scene and he has swapped his addiction to booze for an addiction to ice cream. The dude is emotional eating his way into a size 2 because every time he thinks of taking a drink he goes out for a gelato. At one such desperate time of craving attention and relevance he meets “Arthur.” Arthur used to work at SUR, but now owns his own bar and he’s something like James’s sponsor/good angel on his shoulder, which is the voice of reason. He also happens to need a DJ at his hot new restaurant and James is angling to parlay his sob story about being fired, drinking himself into irrelevance, and his parent’s divorce into a job at Arthur’s DJ booth.
Lisa is attempting to track down Lala. She’s concerned because Lala asked for the day off on a busy Saturday to attend Ariana’s birthday bonanza, then proceeded to bail on that vacation. No call/no show on a vacation is most certainly a sign that something is wrong. Perhaps Lala realized Tom 1 rented an RV and she’d be stuck on there with Jax?
Lisa is so desperate for answers she turns to James, who is readily on the case (aka came waltzing in the back door of SUR like he still works there). James blames Lala’s boyfriend for controlling her. Newly sober James is thoughtful and worried about Lala because her boyfriend sounds psycho – loitering outside her house and not letting her hang out with people? Lisa decides even Lala deserves better than that… then swats James on the rump and sends him out the backdoor like a naughty puppy.
Back in Sonoma, Ariana is venting to Brittany about how Tom 1 actually wants to do IT with her – which yuuuuuck – and even worse, he wants to go down on her! This confession spilling requires a lot of tequila. But at least Tom isn’t making Ariana run around the block so he can suck her stinky toes like Jax forces Brittany to do. Brittany finds this hilarious, though.
Unfortunately, Tom 1 feels dejected. He’s reduced to jerking off out of necessity. And it gives him the sass. Tom 2 turns to his friend, gently takes his hands, and they just pause for a moment in mutual understanding. These poor boys, doomed to women who don’t get their sexy. At least they have each other! Meanwhile, Jax has only his self-sabotaging alter ego lurking beneath his shiny, fart-laden exterior.
Ariana proceeds to get drunker and drunker at the thought of doing it with Tom. So drunk she winds up dancing and tailing in the wind, while eating a huge slab of steak with her bare hands, ripping with her teeth as Tom squirts ketchup from a little squeeze package onto it. Tom 2 marvels at this apparition of pure perfect womanhood before him. Brittany, with her natural redneck-itude, is no comparison to this mythical cave woman/hipster that has possessed Ariana. Jax feels a little sad inside and squeezes his own boobs to make himself feel better.
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But in Montauk, Stassi is victimized by the slim pickings. Or maybe it’s her… ? Over a dinner of Scheana’s sulkiness and refusal to take shots, a grandpa hits on Stassi, then a man with the personality of road kill. It is Katie who gets the most ‘action’ when she speaks to the bartender about Greece. Katie apparently loves Greece. Katie is also apparently really fun and relaxed when she’s not around Tom 2. She gives Lala credit for bailing – since Katie no longer has to worry about Lala stressing Tom 2 out by desperately trying to get in his pants, Katie can relax. She’s also ecstatic that now everyone will know she was right about Lala being a horrible person!
Ahhh… poor Stassi. It’s 10 PM and she’s back in her room calling Tom 2 over speakerphone to discuss the possibility that Lala was kidnapped by aliens. Tom is euphoric himself; the RV trip is everything he ever could’ve asked for. He’s so happy Katie barely recognizes his voice – she suspects he may have handed the phone to some random man. Tom thinks being away from each other has prevented the onset of Tequila Katie. And possibly a skinny-dip in the freezing cold ocean will clear her head and lobotomize her terrible personality.
No, Katie is OK on this trip, it is Scheana who’s the annoying person. Is Montauk making everyone try to act classier?
Of course Scheana isn’t gong skinny-dipping. Scheana is allergic to fun. Scheana is cold. Scheana can’t drink liquor cause it will make her sicker (or make everyone even more sick of her sulking). Yet Scheana wants to go roll around in the mud and muck at NASCAR?
Scheana apparently discarded the memo explaining that on Stassi’s birthday – the national holiday of entitled West Hollywood biatches – skinny-dipping is mandatory. So Scheana begrudgingly puts on the terrycloth robe and watches as Stassi, Kristen, and Katie run naked (or half-naked) into the freezing water until a lighthouse shines its beams right on them and cheers erupt. Katie and Kristen race out with the towels, leaving Stassi stranded in the water, clutching her bits, until they realize they forgot her there, completely exposed, and return with a towel. Scheana cackles and cackles about the magical rays of karma.
Back in Sonoma, after Jax passes out fully-clothed, providing everyone with an ambient noise orchestra of his farts, Tom 1 and Ariana canoodle in the single pull-out cot while reflecting on what a perfect day it’s been. Tom apologizes for ditching Ariana on her birthday last year, and being so insensitive, while she strokes his little ponytail and reassures him that all is forgiven. And perhaps she lets him touch her shoulder and kiss her chastely on the cheek.
Some girls get all the luck!
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[Photo credits: Bravo]