Lala Kent & Billie Lee

Vanderpump Rules Recap: Brunch In The Garden Of Evil

So much happened on last night’s Vanderpump Rules but the only things we really need to talk about are Brittany Cartwright being told by her doctor that she can’t drink on the cast trip to Mexico(!) and Lala Kent turning into James Kennedy by unleashing an unholy fury of meanness on James and Raquel Leviss (again), which finally had James seeing the light about the changes he needs to make in his own life.

I personally think all Brittany’s sudden health problems are a psychosomatic response to realizing she’s engaged to Jax Taylor!

Other things happened, though. Like I cannot look at Beau Clark without seeing a grubby, truck stop dirtbag. His pasty, grimy pits and flabby arms hanging out of that dirty tank top as he swung around a handle of tequila Stassi Schroeder was bedazzling for Scheana Marie as a peace offering was… well all the karma Stassi has ever deserved. Beau seems sweet and very nice, but he joins the unhygienic mass of menfolk on this show who look like walking staph infections and probably need their own file at the CDC.

Scheana Marie

So, yeah, Scheana had Stassi, Katie Maloney, and Kristen Doute over for enchiladas and kissing up, but the real purpose was showing off that Adam Spott is like her kinda, sorta, unofficial boyfriend. It was a humble brag to have him crash girls night under the auspice that he is just there to play bartender. Um, they’re margaritas. Stassi can mix those in her sleep, or at the very least with one eye open as the other eye Twitter stalks her latest enemy. As Stassi said it’s the most “Scheana thing Scheana has ever Scheana’d.” But it does seem that Adam is starting to realize that he’s been Scheana’d and is regretting it!

Kristen stomped in, all high and mighty, with a Victoria’s Secret shopping bag full of Katie and Stassi’s belongs which she was returning in order to SAVE HER RELATIONSHIP WITH CARTER. Continuing with the theme of calling Katie out on her shit – which means calling Katie out 24/7 (she is so full of shit that Brittany’s gastroenterologist wouldn’t even know where to begin).

Kristen Doute

Kristen lets Katie know that it’s not OK for her to constantly undermine her relationship by using Kristen’s venting against Carter. Katie tries to justify this by saying Carter was yelling at her, but Kristen reminds KatiesaurusRex that Tom 2 has been plenty atrocious in the past, so if Katie is truly Kristen’s friend she will back off. Kristen decides this mature confrontation proves she is ready to beg Lisa Vanderpump for an invite to the TomTom opening party. She does that with both her boobs fully out like she’s Lala scanning for new men. Through suppressed laughs, Lisa agreed to not completely ban Kristen.

Also later Scheana told Lisa how she and Adam are “sleeping together,” but don’t want a relationship. Lisa reminds Scheana that continuing to lie to herself will find her frantically wading through the dumpster fire that continuously happens behind SUR, because Scheana is not a girl who cannot do ‘friends with benefits’. We’re talking about a person who tattooed 7 Minutes in Heaven -ROB! on her arm after dating Rob Valletta for 5 minutes and watching him hang a TV.

So finally, let’s talk the Bermuda Triangle of hot mess that is James, Raquel, and Lala. Oh. My. Things definitely traveled some extreme angles of going left every which way, but eventually came full circle. James started the episode throwing a big ol fit at TomTom after being told he was uninvited to Mexico, because: Katie. This tantrum was apparently James’ way of demonstrating how much he’s ‘grown’ since being fired from SUR. It took Ken Todd shuffling out, the mob boss of the Vanderpire, waving a Pomeranian like pistol and demanding James “stop it immediately” for James to come out from the blind hole of his rage. James apologized and Lisa allowed him to still DJ Billie Lees brunch that weekend. Which was the problem.

First Raquel gave James a lecture about how his choices also affect her so he really needs to learn to take deep breaths and count to 10 before even looking at Lisa. While James is correct that Katie is a horrible person, who is most-certainly conspiring to ruin his life and position on this show, James is losing every time he lets Katie prove her own arrogance correct.

All week Lala had been on a rampage about James and Raquel for some inexplicable reason considering it doesn’t appear that she even sees them – ever. Instead of being glad James was not going to Mexico, Lala decided to celebrate by threatening to drag his pasty twig of a body; literally foaming with fury about how she wanted to inflict pain on him and Raquel. It was… uncomfortable.

Look – everyone knows Lala is grieving the loss of her father, and everyone feels empathetic, but like Raquel said: that is not an excuse to treat people like ashtrays. Furthermore, as Ariana Madix points out, Lala is a grown woman and the world is not going to tiptoe around her.

Lala arrives at Billie’s Brunch in a poor man’s version of JLO’s green Grammy dress, which is her version of BoHo, and honestly even if it is the legit vintage Versace — why are you wearing that to hostess a brunch at SUR with such tacky, ill-conceived, attention-competing shoes. Just infuriating.

Everything initially seemed to be going OK. James was in a good mood and no one had any drama, Tom 1 and Ariana showed up to ‘brunch,’ and Brittany was feeling better after being diagnosed with a tequila-induced ulcer and fixing it with a soothing $300 mash potato bar (OK actually meds fixed things – the mashed potato bar is part of her engagement party buffet).

Lala first got spun up because she asked to speak to Billie and Billie was not giving Lala any passes on her behavior either. I really still fail to understand Billie’s problem with Lala, but I’m judging Lala’s character (BJ’s for PJ’s) too so, you know …. I get that!

Lala Kent

Then Lala’s friend engaged Raquel in a discussion about Lala. Raquel truthfully stated that Lala is using her father’s death as an excuse to get away with speaking to her in a horrific way. Lala overheard, stormed over to Raquel and start screaming at her that she’s a c-u-next-tuesday who doesn’t empower women. Lala, a woman who admitted on TV that she sucks dick for rides on private jets, screaming at Raquel about how she is bad for women’s rights has got to be one of the most ironic things that has ever happened in the history of modern denial. But here we are.

Raquel Leviss

Obviously Raquel, who has one mode – monotoned and robotic – was zen, very chill, and mature about the whole thing by calmly telling Lala she is not taking responsibility and to stop speaking to her in this manner. Then Raquel told James that he is being continually punished for calling Katie fat once, yet this is the third time Lala has verbally assaulted her. Meaning this is not OK.

Tom Sandoval

Tom 1 is shocked and also points out the obvious: James would’ve been fired 10x over for behaving like this, but Lala faces no consequences other than Billie Lee throwing her out of the brunch, because Lisa was over at Tom Tom and Peter Madrigal was organizing the fridge for approximately 15 hours. Probably intentionally to avoid having to deal with this mess.

Brittany Cartwright

Brittany pulls Lala aside to try and get her to calm down, but Lala just rants about how she is better than James and Raquel as Brittany tried to suppress rolling her eyes by thinking of mashed potatoes. I actually liked Brittany this episode and appreciated that she was willing to be a friend to Lala in that moment without co-signing her crazy vitriol. She needs to practice this on Katie in the future.

James Kennedy

While Lala is just ranting, ranting, ranting…   James looks into parallel abyss of his own past behaviors and has an epiphany. He calmly walks over and lets Lala know that the way she spoke to Raquel is wrong and he doesn’t understand how a couple weeks ago Lala was promising to give their friendship another chance, but is now doing this. Lala responded by telling James he’s still obsessed with having sex with her and that “F–king Lala is best thing that ever happened to you.” Um, actually, for all Lala’s insistence that James still wants her, I actually think it is the other way around. Like James said: Lala has lost every bit of sweetness in her. It evaporated as soon as she shacked up with Rand.

Billie finally demands Lala leave and they have another argument about who is psycho. Lala practically head-butted Billie in the entrance of SUR, with customers watching on.

The next day, on the opening of TomTom but before the party, James pays court to Lisa and explains what happened with Lala. He promises and swears that he kept his calm and did not provoke her, but Lisa has her doubts. To prove his innocence, James says he will not be attending the TomTom opening – even though Tom 1 invited him – because he doesn’t want to be the cause of drama on this important night. Lisa seems shocked (but impressed!) at this sudden changed and matured James. And honestly, without James’ drama nothing else is going to happen at this party so everyone loses! Do we really need to see more footage of Stassi and Beau being gross or Katie sulking like a giant pile poop emoji?


[Photo Credits: Bravo]