Reality Tea is ranking of every, single Housewife from every, single season from almost every Real Housewives franchise. You can find Part 1 of our rankings here. Now we finally return with Part 2 (aka the big ole mush in the middle)!
In Part 1 we mostly covered most Housewives who were either too crazy to be legit, or didn’t make much of an impact, or were just so miscast and off it was painful. Some of them were too nice, or too timid, or not rich enough, or too desperate. If she’s only a Housewife for a season, there’s usually a reason!
Below we continue to analyze and dissect the ladies from Real Housewives Of New Jersey, Real Housewives Of Atlanta, Real Housewives Of Potomac, Real Housewives Of New York, Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, Real Housewives Of Dallas, Real Housewives of Miami, and Real Housewives Of Orange County. We’re skipping the short-lived Real Housewives Of DC, because no one even remembers who they are. Well except for one…
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So what factors into how a Housewife is ranked? For me, it’s how much ‘realness’ is involved in their story, how interesting their life is, and how much someone’s inclusion has impacted the show – whether that be good or bad. What drops someone in the ranking is when they’re all about fabricated drama or hiding parts of their life and focusing on ‘storyline’ only. Of course there are exceptions.
Some Housewives are sheer mechanisms for advancing drama, and without them it is hard to imagine how the show would progress, while others are just intriguing (or intoxicating) to watch. Or, sometimes it’s just a feeling!
Stay tuned for Part 3, in which we name the best of the worst, or the worst of the best, or, well, maybe just the most talked about ladies of Bravo!
Bravo must have a friend contract with Cynthia, because she's spent years on Real Housewives Of Atlanta doing nothing but fan-girling NeNe and ignoring her husband Peter's nonsense.
Alexia was hit or miss on the short-lived Real Housewives Of Miami.
The self-described "Cuban Barbie" temporarily left the show after her son Frankie was in a terrible car accident, but Alexia returned, guns-blazing, to cause drama, be a crusader against fakeness, and get her hot, but flawed son Peter a modeling career.
[Credit: Tommy Garcia/Bravo]
Lynne's face may not have moved, but she got evicted anyway! While the RHOC star was selling cuffs and staring off into space, her daughters turned to drugs and other pursuits, and her family fell into financial failure.
Lynne's reality just got too sad for reality TV. Other than that she was completely boring!
Despite her prestigious DC roots, Gizelle had obviously done her research on how this whole Real Housewives thing worked and had no problem taking on the manners police of Real Housewives Of Potamac with her controversial behavior and cutting comments. So far she's brought us wacky weaves, serious side-eyes, and bizarre ex-husband drama with no signs of slowing down.
Karen believes all things should be governed with fairness, and righteousness, and proper etiquette - from Black Bill Gate's rear, to her wigs, to how one should behave in their own home. Her outdated and archaic manners policing is certainly tiresome, yet her delusion is eternally amusing.
However she really oughtta attend more to other outdated matters - like her kitchen!
Lauri Peterson Waring
Lauri has gone through The Change since her first season of RHOC when she was desperately trying to get into a Playboy party. She went on to date Slade, then finally marrying George and leaving the show to focus on
his money her family, but the need for attention and fame was always lurking at the bottom of her Chanel purse.
I think Lauri's presence is best restricted to playing Housewife in her own home (where she's clearly needed) playing Housewife on TV and sharing that her daughter allegedly knows escorts who can prove Brooks cheated on Vicki. YUCK infinitum.
[Photo Credit: Bravo]
The unofficial Mayor Of Miami, Lea was all big personality, big diamonds, and big star-studded charity galas.
The ritzy, over-the-top wife of a top criminal defense lawyer, Lea's zaniness was always fun on RHOM - and she managed to keep the sparkling wit even when under-fire from her co-stars. I do still wonder about what secrets may be in her Birkins, though!
The Real Housewives Of Dallas star is the carny sideshow I am both skeeved out by and cannot stop staring at.
Meghan King Edwards
Meghan and her marriage to Jimmy Dad Jeans were weird, and she always seemed installed simply to serve a purpose - i.e. getting rid of Brooks Ayers for us courtesy of her Meghany Drew Cancer Mysteries. (A psychic made her do it)!
Sure, Marlo isn't technically a Housewife, but she's been part of some of the best drama on RHOA - like her fight with She By SheBroke in South Africa, plus there's her, um, interesting background, and she's always willing to quickly switch allegiances.
Also we just really want to know which sugar daddy is buying all Marlo's fabulous clothes!
Michaele earns the dubious honor of being the only Real Housewife Of DC to make this list, courtesy of her dubious White House crash. On camera. With Bravo in tow. Which in turned tanked the RHODC franchise!
Gosh the Sahalis were crazy good TV!
Heather is rich. Very, very rich - and occasionally classy too!
Heather appeared on Real Housewives Of Orange County to show us WWHD. Which means letting us know what we don't have, what we should be doing instead, and flaunting that we can't afford it.
Plus the unsubtle layer of condescension Heather spreads over everything makes her a Housewife worth watching.
Oh Jillusional, all that you accomplished as a Housewife - and I mean this.
Jill and Bethenny were the first Housewives friendship divorce and we're still reeling from the fallout - while hearing ZAAAAAAAAARIN FABRICS and BAAAAAAWBY in our nightmares! No one caused incidental drama like Jill.
And, of course, the devil in Jill Zarin can crash a vacation like no other as well!
Kandi has had a lot of ups and downs (and some down-downs) on RHOA. Part of me loves her for thinking food solves everything - and her facial expressions - but the other part of me thinks she's sketchy. And then there's Mama Joyce...
Mostly for all Kandi has going on in her life, I just find her pretty boring.
Lisa, lovingly (or not) called "Lipsa" is both chaotically charming, and absolutely nuts.
Lisa has rare moments of awesomeness - calling out Kim or Yolanda - quickly overshadowed by constantly backtracking.
Whomever Lipsa is, she should be herself - and maybe see a shrink. But she brings a Hollywood cred to RHOBH and a part of me knows she does good TV.
From explaining how Jim BlobChinplant is her personal Jesus, to Alexis "it means like, rich" Couture, to Jesus Barbie boobs, and a whole lotta fakin' going on, Alexis was a hot mess of contradictions rolled into a bedazzled bible. Yet for all her plastic parts Alexis didn't have a mean bone in her body.
Is it only me who wishes she'd return? Not everybody says you're dead, Jesus Barbie!
I'd love to see a different side of Kelly. Perhaps one with less booze in her on occasion, but I loved her for being a wild ride. I could easily get sick of her though if this is all she's got to give.
Adriana de Moura
And we know how a Housewife never forgets! Couldn't Eileen just stay her first season self, handily breaking up squalling Housewives without spilling her wine?
Oh Porsha, well, at least she's pretty!
However, Porsha is funny, and charming, and strangely, I kinda like her! Despite a dull mind, she's never a dull moment!
More, money; more problems, right?
Alex was the first Real Housewives grifter, and with her was Simon, who really wanted Alex's job.
Despite only one season of behaving perniciously on RHOBH, Camille remains an institution of Housewives-ism that is still routinely referenced. From psychics, to dinner parties from hell, to the infamous "You said it..." and "morally corrupt Faye Resnick."
We were all on Gretchen's side while she feuded with Tamra, but once she hooked up with Slave things changed. In later seasons, Gretchen proved to have no loyalties (or sense), and was living in a fake world. What a disappointment!
Scary Island haunts my memories, as I'm sure it does all of ours, but aside from that Kelly gave RHONY some of its most shocking moments. Remember she's up there (way up there in la-la land) while we're down here, but who's running in traffic again?
It's just too bad we may never find out what really happened? Did someone spike the gummy bears? Systematic bully?
Kim D & Kim G
Kim's life is stranger than Hollywood fiction, and often sad, but her issues with sobriety and Kyle have been a guiding force of RHOBH since its first season, bringing brevity and rawness to Bravo's most polished Housewives.
The many, many faces of Melissa: She's been J.Faux, a devoted sister-in-law, a terrorizing sister-in-law, possibly a stripper, possibly a cheater, possibly a machiavellian evil genius, possibly the victim of machiavellian evil jealousy, a sometime boutique owner, a Beaver owner, a garbage company owner, and a friend to all and no one, a supporter of Baby Jesus, a collector of Poison, and most likely Bravo's biggest famewhore.
Is there nothing Melissa Gorga can't do?!
For all the drama she's caused over the years by all accounts Tamra should rank higher on this list, but because she's always so intent to cause mayhem it's hard to appreciate Tamra.
She's reinvented herself many times over the course of RHOC; from bored mom and wife, to devious divorcee, to hot-bodied Jesus lover, constantly swapping friends along the way, but Tamra remains possessed by the devil all the same.
Part of me can't imagine RHOC without Tamra, yet I'd love to see a side of Tamra that seems honest.
There was once a time when Yolanda was the glistening jewel of RHOBH - married to a mega-star, living in a fabulous house with fabulous friends, mother of supermodels - living as the ultimate trophy wife, dripping with artful condescension, perfection, and master cleanse. But then enter thy Lyme.
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[Main Photo Credit: Bravo]