Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills - Teddi & Dorit

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: Mic Plop

I started this season of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills planning to keep an open mind, but the plotting is just so sloppy and transparent. And not the plotting Lisa Vanderpump is doing!

Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave has, by now, told about 15 renditions of her involvement/non-involvement in DogGate. In each version, she becomes increasingly naive and played for a fool. Also each time one of her versions doesn’t coincide with the revision, the other women conveniently brush it aside and double-down on the narrative that Teddi is the victim. Or Dorit Kemsley is. Really?

For instance tonight Teddi told her therapist she never spoke directly to Lisa about Doggate (Why are we still talking about this?!), then told Dorit and the other women that she was on a three-way call with Lisa and John Sessa which proves LVP is directly involved. Isn’t the  whole point of Teddi’s argument that LVP isn’t owning her part and wants to frame Teddi? Well, it sounds like Teddi is doing the same exact thing!

LVP should admit her involvement, mostly because she’s justified in wanting those shitheads exposed! Also, I am fed up with Teddi and Dorit’s self-righteousness. Teddi’s arrogant smirk in thinking she earned the mic drop moment was insufferable and completely invalidated her points. It shows she’s thrilled to have the popular clique siding with her, … but, oops! they’re using Teddi too and manipulating her to do their dirty work to shield the truth from their own lives.

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For years we’ve been watching this same scenario attempt to play out: LVP being pushed from the top of the podium, but never before could they get all the players aligned. Well, the cream rises to the top… and sspins offinto ice cream. Again and again.

S0, let’s dive into the dog shit!

Dorit Kemsley - Beverly Beach By Dorit

Erika Girardi goes to Dorit’s house to provide sexy coaching for a Bankruptcy Beach photoshoot. Here Erika’s glamsquad has out-tressed her with some spunky There’s Something About Mary hair. Let’s hope the gel wasn’t au naturale!

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Dorit prances around in her purloined bikinis, even though just last week she was being chased across the Bahamas by a creditor, while Erika, who for some reason is the stylist, bellows,”You’re selling ass! You’re not selling cookies,” like a Girl Scout leader in a very perverted porno. “Boobs and butts are the most persuasive tools,” she advises; labeling them “a product.” Wow… so empowering for women! SO edgy!

Erika Girardi

After the shots, Dorit sits down to fire more shots – this time against Teddi for her involvement in the Lucy Lucy Poisoned Apple espionage case. Erika is shocked to learn about the textses LVP produced. Which provide the truth a very different story than the one she recently heard from Teddi. However, Dorit – LVP’s very, very good friend – remains unpersuaded. “Even with this new evidence, I still feel the same way,” she sighs; launching into a spiel about how she is the victim of two conniving friends who are warring to hurt her. “Why would they do this to me?” she whines. That has to be a rhetorical question, right?

The only person not living in the Twilight Zone created by Dorit’s delusion, is Camille Grammer. She tells Lisa Rinna that there is just something unbelievably shady and disingenuous about Dorit from her accent to her finances.

Lipsa and Camille were together to plan Camille’s 50th birthday party. Lipsa has already experienced the blow to your botox that is officially entering advanced middle age. She compares it to “a science project,” in which one prepares for death. Meanwhile, Camille is overjoyed that after surviving a harrowing divorce, cancer, and a hysterectomy she has made it to 50, and will now be getting remarried. “I can’t wait to start anew,” she beams. YAY, Camille. We love you!

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Camille may be looking forward, but Lipsa is only looking back on all the terrible, no good, very bad things LVP has  done. Camille co-signs that LVP is manipulative – like convincing her to bring up Taylor Armstrong’s abuse (which seems like it was for the best, honestly!) – but recognizes that LVP is not all bad, plus she is also going through a terrible loss, and of course, there is the complete and utter “phoniness” of Dorit. “She makes the little hairs on the back of your neck stand up. Like what is real?”

Camille Grammer

Camille adds, “Did she really want a dog, or was she trying to get close to Lisa Vanderpump?” No going off script allowed, though! The party line is that LVP must go down, so Lipsa dismisses Camille’s concerns.

Denise Richards dresses like a normal mom to bring her kids over to Villa Rosa. Which makes me do a double-take. I’m used to Housewife mothers arriving at playdates tackied up in tight clothes and impractical heels. Denise even turns down wine in favor of water! The only naughtiness are the ponies who escape from the pen.

Since Denise and Lisa have bonded over rescuing animals and being adoptive parents, Denise plans to ignore all the drama in favor of making her own judgement about LVP. Let’s hope next season Denise doesn’t claim LVP manipulated her by being too nice!

RELATED: Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Cast Member Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave Says She Can Prove Lisa Vanderpump Manipulated Puppygate

Denise and Aaron Phypers are getting married in ONE WEEK, which is why this is the wedding equivalent of Fyre Fest. Um, hello no toilets! I sort of love Aaron for suggesting that Denise buy her dress from Amazon. Prime TwoDay shipping, y’all! It would arrive in time for alterations.

Over in Teddlandia, we’re on version 12b of DogGate and all of LVP’s involvements, orchestrations, and manipulations. The only constant is that Teddi was duped, used, and taken advantage of. #Accountability

On a hike with her therapist (a thing more LA than botox in the school drop off line) Teddi discusses the “physical pain from anxiety” she’s experiencing over DOGGATE. Now there were not just texts, but actual phone calls (plural!) from Vanderpump Dogs, John S, LVP, etc. instructing Teddi to call Dorit out. Teddi believes she’s taking accountability by admitting to being ‘momentarily caught up’ in the plan after being fed a lie that Dorit was locking the dog in a basement “for months,” before discarding it at a kill shelter. Dorit said this wasn’t true, so now Teddi believes her.

According to Teddi, it is LVP was caught in a lie about her closeness with John Blizzard, and when she knew that Teddi knew. Teddi knew LVP was conspiring against her at Vanderpump Dogs when LVP pretended she had no idea why Lucy was there. Um, obsessively collating tiny details indicates the liar.

Teddi fake cries (aka scrunches her face up so it looks like tears are being made) about how she’s been betrayed and must use Camille’s birthday to make things right for her own equilibrium.

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OK – I have to laugh here. Multiple conversations, Teddi? What is this a CIA operation? Starring Teddi, and her son’s Fisher Price Detective Kit?  Me thinks the only ‘multiple conversations’ happening are the ones Teddi is having with everyone else about LVP and what LVP supposedly did or did not do. The funny thing is no one but Kyle wants to talk to Teddi if they aren’t talking about LVP. Remember when they all ostracized her last season, made her cry, insulted her homes and her hostessing skills, called her a liar, and berated her like a little girl — now she’s the paragon of reason and good judgment? A person they can depend on for accuracy and truth? Even though Teddi admits to being part of a scheme to embarrass Dorit?

Also, Teddi actually paid her therapist to discuss this! She can write me a check and I’ll give her some advice: OWN IT, BABY. Someone needs to, to quote John Blizzard, “send help LOL.”

LVP meets Kyle Richards, Denise and Aaron Phypers for drinks. “I’m really trying to keep my relationship with Lisa separate from what’s going on with the group,” lies Kyle, who has been chief instigator of DogGate/LisaShaming. #WillTheRealManipulatorPleaseStandUp.

Like a good friend Lisa comforts Kyle about American Woman being canceled. The show was personal for Kyle because after her mom’s jewelry was stolen it was the only remaining way to honor her memory, but no surprise a show glorifying a hyper-idealized version of abusive stage mommies in kaftans didn’t resonate with actual American women. Kyle is hopeful that since she’s no longer exploiting her sisters for career gains, they’ll talk to her again. How charming!

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Denise Richards

Despite never meeting Aaron before, Lisa learns he has a “very big penis” and that she will be attending his wedding to Denise this Saturday. And will likely have to borrow a pair of Lipsa’s Depends. Maybe they’ll sponsor the open bar? Denise decides the best way to avoid talking about doggate is to constantly blurt out the word “penis.” I mean, it worked! And it was hysterical – even defrosting the cold hearts of a hardened (pun intended!) Beverly Hills bitch.

It was right back to talking about DogGate at Camille’s birthday. As she encourages everyone to dismiss it to focus on, you know, her on her birthday, Erika motions that Dorit needs to tell Teddi about THE TEXTSES. Far from feeling OK with lose ends, Teddi goes on a rampage abut how LVP tried to shut her down and suppress her. Her revenge is that Erwin is wearing a tiny pony tail like a microscopic limp dick.

Teddi, Erika, & Dorit

With Erika right by her side to support her, Teddi bravely admits to Dorit, “I was involved, but none of that would have happened if Lisa Vanderpump wouldn’t have given them direct orders to constantly contact me.” Oh, is that what passes for accountability these days? OK, so breaking it down in Teddi Terms: I did eat that cake, but only because I was at a party and it happened to be there, constantly in front of me, until I was forced to capitulate to its demands. IT MANIPULATED ME. THE CAKE MADE ME EAT IT, but I regret getting involved with those carbs. I wouldn’t have done so if the sugary, diabolical cake wasn’t approaching me in the first place. I mean I hate frosting, but was fooled into believing I wanted it. Accountability! YAY.

RELATED: Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills- Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave Apologizes For Her Actions In Relation To Puppygate

Teddi says that how LVP was pretending her hands were clean to hang Teddi out to dry she instantly knew she had to be honest with Dorit, who has all the authenticity of a declined credit card. Erika decides that because Teddi admitted her involvement, she’s believable! How exactly did Dorit and Teddi become the victims here?

Furthermore, Teddi was groomed like a prized poodle to be LVP’s pet. Well, Lisa isn’t grooming Teddi now given that neon blue eyeshadow! Dorit is now completely convinced of LVP’s guilt. Yay – Teddi may get a bikini named for her now for being such a loyal friend!

“I’m not mourning anything,” Erika purrs, triumphantly, “but by the end of the night we might be burying a few of these friendships.”

Lisa Vanderpump

While everyone is standing around supporting Teddi through this tragic time, LVP comes over, and Teddi now announces there was a three-way call between her, LVP and John Sessa, along with texts “proving” Ken contacted John Blizzard, and more texts where John says Lisa and Pandora were discussing it after she and Kyle left Vanderpump Dogs. (Obviously, since it had just happened in front of their faces… ) You know, does anyone care?!

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The problem is that LVP just doesn’t want to admit how involved she is. Which is wrong, I agree with Teddi, but Teddi is guilty of the same thing. And of course, LVP knew. She admitted to knowing.

The whole charade of Teddi’s big, virtuous, victory in calling out LVP for deceit as Dorit, Erika, Kyle, and Rinna make pretend shocked faces to hide their smirks is pathetic. The only thing it proves is that Teddi is so desperate to be accepted she’ll do anything. Including betray one friend for another she deems more popular.

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Dorit cries that LVP plotted behind her back to hurt her. “The truth will always set you free,” she sniffles without a trace of irony.

And now we take a moment for some stupid human tricks with the return of Splits Richards. Oh, Kyle.  I can’t tell if Kyle is drinking because she is gleeful that Lisa, her so-called friend, is being torn down by a bitch without an available bone, or she’s drinking to deal with her guilty conscience. Or because she wants to be like cool, fun, zany Denise.

Kyle Richards Splits

Kyle has been trying to present herself as the mature, sophisticated wife of a successful man, but her attention-craving soul  always been one ripped kaftan away from spilling out. Of course, the saddest thing is that everyone just kind of half-assed-ly humored her dancing and splits. Lipsa patted Kyle’s butt with the same enthusiasm she uses to pets her dog. Who does Kyle’s gyrating ass think it is: Harry Hamlin‘s ego? Dorit couldn’t be bothered to tear herself away from spreading vitriol to Denise, and Erika observes her gays trying to impress her everyday plus they can also style her hair, so she’s not impressed. But there goes Kyle dropping down into a split, as barely anyone looks. How low can you go, right?

But seriously, let’s stop talking about the dog.

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[Photo Credits: Bavo]