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Tom Sandoval & Tom Schwartz

Tom Tom finally opened on last night’s Vanderpump Rules and, and it was essentially the wedding between Tom Sandoval and Tom Schwartz that we’ve all been wanting to see on this show.

For this real wedding of his heart Tom 2 took an actual shower – not a dip in shit creek. Which is the literal metaphor for his marriage to Katie Maloney.

To the opening of TomTom Tom 1 and Tom 2 wore matching white suits with complimentary brown shoes and gloves. Their necklaces read “TomTom.” Their hearts said “TomTom.” Tom 1 planned a big surprise: he bought a vintage white and gold motorcycle with sidecar and had customized motorcycle helmets made. His helmet read “Tom Sandy” and Tom 2’s just said “My True Heart.” Of course, being a man who thinks of everything, Tom 1 also had some made for Katie and Ariana Madix. Katie’s helmet was emblazoned with “Obstacle.” OK, actually, “Bubba.”

Tom Sandoval

Then Tom 1 picked up Tom 2 in the magical motorcycle, and off they rode into the sunset with tears in their eyes — until they ran out of gas and had to push the bike to a gas station. That is just SO Tom 1! He conceives of every aesthetic detail, then forgets to actually practice the song or put gas in the bike or make a cocktail out of ingredients people can drink. No Tom 1 –  even though the color looks cool, we can’t chug highlighter pens soaked in vinegar!

The bar looked beautiful. Lisa Vanderpump was resplendent. When Tom 1 and Tom 2 finally arrived it honestly was a crowning moment, the achievement of their lives. Tom 2 has finally found direction in life – in a sidecar attached to another man’s mixology prowess and strange visions, driving them straight into future success. Not a bad ride at all!

As a man who so thusly lacked ambition and could only commit to Coors Light, Tom 2 finally found something which worked for him as much as he’s willing to work for it. Thank goodness LVP is in the business of manufacturing happy endings! Of course, Tom’s new alternate reality doesn’t seem to have a place for Katie. Which is surprising, considering how large her presence looms over everything: Glowering, complaining, sulking, just a domineering black cloud of yuck.

For years Katie has been complaining that Tom 2 needs to grow up, get a career, have some drive, etc. etc. etc. (even though her career is what exactly?), Now that Tom has achieved this Katie is complaining that he’s too self-focused, never has time for her, and at one point I swear she groused that he was going to the gym before she even woke up. Here’s the thing, if Tom is busy working, this is the perfect time for Katie to work on HERSELF. She could volunteer, look for a more fulfilling job or career, take extra shifts at SUR, develop a hobby, go to the gym, GET THERAPY. Anything besides going to Taco Bell, then complaining over drinks with Stassi Schroeder.

The entire Tom Tom opening night Katie was whining at Tom and trying to force him to pay attention to her. She kept waving her phone in his face – probably to show him her CandyCrush high score – and interrupting him while he was working the room, talking to everyone, at the bar, etc. etc. This isn’t about you, Katie! (Hint – your name isn’t Tom).

Brittany Cartwright is also suffering from FOMO because she’s not allowed to drink or have anything spicy or citrus because of her ulcer. Somewhere in her brain made from partially congealed beer cheese, Brittany decides she can partake in ONE of those evils and the better of them is tequila neat. So Brittany orders a few shots, but forgoes the lime to it. Even Jax Taylor is like WTF. He wants Brittany healthy so they can have babies soon. Um, Jax does know pregnancy and alcohol aren’t two things you can mix, right? Seems like Brittany needs more than a gastroenterologist…

And talk about drinking leading to bad decisions – as Lisa later lectures James KennedyBrittany is marrying a human-sized ulcer with suppurating properties named Jax!

Scheana Marie spends the party saying her heartfelt goodbyes to her non-boyfriend, non-exclusive sexual partner, Adam Spott who won’t be going to Mexico. Scheana is devastated to leave him, but vows to send him Snaps all day. And Adam, taking a cue from Stassi’s ex Patrick, threatens to block her. Then enter witness protection, aka become a bartender at PUMP.

Lisa Vanderpump & Scheana Marie

Meanwhile, Lisa never lets an opportunity go to waste, so in the middle of the opening night she sits Lala Kent down to demand answers about what happened at Billie Lee‘s brunch. Lala lies that she calmly said her peace, and said some things that needed to be said, then she had a civil conversation with James. This was the point where Lisa lost her trust in Lala – if Lala hadn’t claimed to have engaged in discourse with James, Lisa might have let her off the hook. Instead, she called Scheana over because Scheana will always tattle. Lala is livid that Scheana won’t lie to Lisa on her behalf, and Lala definitely gets caught lying red handed! Usually, her hands are only red from spanking Mandall so maybe this is an improvement? We’ll see what happens!

Lala Kent Opens Up About Being An Alcoholic And Becoming Sober

Then Lisa hops in the sidecar for a quick motorcycle spin with Tom 1, and everyone is off to Mexico the next day!

Over at Stassi’s while packing Beau brings her a pre-vaycay tequila shot wearing a T-Rex suit. Beau is certainly enameled with Stassi though, and as he lets her deflate and smash the T-Rex costume into her suitcase I hope he realizes that this is equatable to what she will do to his balls. Smash, deflate, and designer bag them for her own use or disposal. You are entirely Stassi’s now! See: 2, Tom.

Kristen Doute says goodbye to Carter who barely looks up from his video games. Tom 1 lovingly caresses his hatbox and coos “T Schwa” at it while Ariana shakes her head in resignation.

Since James was kicked off the trip, he spends his days at Villa Rosa with Max, playing pool, having tea, petting swans, and getting kindly maternal lectures from LVP about the evils of the devil’s juice. Lisa is proud of James after learning he maintained his composure during Lala’s meltdown, but she’s disappointed to learn he had a beer with his father, Ambrose. Lisa is shocked that Ambrose, an alcoholic, would reward James’ sobriety with a father-son bonding outing at a bar.

Poor James, but you know what – Lisa’s tough love is needed. After all, he tells her he might be scoring a residency at The Mondrian, and he’s traveling all over with DJ gigs, he’s hanging out at Villa Rosa with Lisa making him tea. Does he really need SUR anymore? Nope. Like wearing diapers, most people should outgrow it. If not, they wind up throwing tantrums on a plane to Mexico.

Everyone NOT at Villa Rosa meets at the airport to listen to Lala complain about having to fly commercial – and coach no less – for the first time in E-ONS. I mean, carry your passport? Usually, she has Rand’s assistant handle that!

Um, why didn’t super empowered feminist Lala have baby talk phone sex with Mandall in the airport bathroom to convince him to send the PJ to rescue her? Or at the very least upgrade her ticket! You know, I’m pretty sure even a Lala/Mandall sex tape would score a “0” on Rotten Tomatoes. It would be called “The Most Important Thing You’ve Ever Done: Lala”

Anyway, the only people who don’t get stuck in coach are Tom 2 and Scheana which was a complete fluke related to the overbooked plane. Katie is outraged. She demands Tom trade her seats, but he refuses. Instead, he puts on his headphones, enjoys the complimentary cocktails, and takes a much-needed break from everything – especially Katie. OH wait – HA. Just kidding. She spent the entire 2.5 hour flight “rage texting” him because we all knew it was only a matter of time before Tequila Katie returned. And here she is, back and rage-ier than ever!

Vanderpump Rules in Mexico

Ugh – I am so exhausted by Katie! She is just a hot mess of a human who seems incapable of experiencing joy. Likewise, I no longer feel bad for Tom 2. Everyone tried to warn him and the writing was on the wall (written in a shade of lipstick probably called Life Preserver). Tom proposed, he went through with the wedding, he participated in making and hanging that offensive, tacky “Bubba” sign above their permanently dented sofa (dented because Katie never leaves it) and he has defended Katie’s abusive, tyrannical behavior constantly – even when it is completely unwarranted.

Katie Maloney

When they get to the hotel everyone else is excited about all the shagging and relaxing that will happen in these amazing rooms, overlooking the jungles where millions of bodies from the drug war are buried, and Tom 2 might be soon joining their midst if he doesn’t stop talking back to Katie.

What a great color story these two were. Tom 2 was wearing green pants as if to totes mock Katie’s envy at his newfound direction in life. Meanwhile, Katie was appropriately wearing baby poop brown.

Tom Schwartz

While Tom and Ariana snuggle in the balcony hammock of the adjacent hotel room, Katie berates Tom for ignoring her and not listening enough, blah, blah, blah — all about Katie! Tom, for once, fights back by calling her out on her insane, bitter, jealous nonsense. I imagine that Tom 1 yelled loud enough for Tom 2 to hear: “I warned you not to marry Katie. I warned you that you would wind up a battered husband! By the way, dude, that was the voice of God, not me”

But Tom 2 went was perspicacious in deciding to yoke himself to Katie, and now must do the hard work disentangling himself. Sometimes what seems like the easiest thing out is actually the hardest!

TELL US – IS KATIE OUT OF LINE OR SHOULD TOM 2 VALIDATE HER FEELINGS? SHOULD LALA BE FIRED FOR LYING TO LISA?

[Photo Credits: bravo]

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