Vanderpump Rules Recap: Usted Está FOMO

Considering that the cast of Vanderpump Rules was in Mexico, drinking their pants off (literally), it’s pretty surprising that last night’s episode was mostly mellow and drama-free.

The only drama was drunk Stassi Schroeder and Beau Clark cry-whining at each other about their relationship values (aka – when, where and at what time it’s acceptable to get wasted), and Beau is so the guy who wipes his snot with the back of his hand, or the corner of his pillow, instead of using a tissue. And Stassi she is so the type who uses an actual human to wipe her snot and blow her nose on, because people are no better than Kleenex. Like Stassi said, “I never get FOMO,” because in Stassi’s world she causes the FOMO. GET THE MEMO, BEAU!

Basically what I’m saying is that without James Kennedy, Vanderpump Rules is just a bunch of mid-30’s people trying to relive their glory days for a weekend. It’s sort of fun, but a whole season of this would get boring faster than you can say “hangover patch!”

Katie Maloney calmed right down! Last week Katie and Tom 2 were screaming at each other, with their words echoing out into jungle and scaring the wildlife. So, I was fully expecting these two to be a living Day of the Dead on this trip. Then Katie turned on the phony tears and whined about how Tom 2 doesn’t show he cares. He fell right into her trap. Katie really knows how to manipulate Tom, but at least we know how they ended up married…

Kristen Doute is overjoyed to have her own room. And maybe that is the secret to traveling with Kristen: give her plenty of space to talk to herself, have her rage-y outbursts in the mirror, and do all her Kristen tics privately, then she’s mostly normal. Until she gives a toast to commemorate their first dinner and honestly I think Kristen was speaking some strange alien language she made up herself by talking to her own reflection. This is the problem when you spend too much time alone!

Jax Taylor

Listening to Kristen spin English into Kristen-latin while worrying that Brittany Cartwright is ignoring her doctor’s orders by getting drunk – again – makes Jax Taylors mind wander. And when Jax’s mind wanders it goes to the last time they went to Mexico, when Jax decided rearranged pillows were a proof positive that Kristen and James had hooked up. Jax is still convinced this happened, and, down at the end of the table – far from Kristen –  tells Stassi. Unforautnely even though it looked like Scheana Marie was distracted trying to send Adam Spott the perfect sext, Scheana is so used to dividing her attention between her phone and the real world that she heard everything!

I actually would love to hear Scheana’s seminar on how to be single and live without a man. Oh wait, I’ve been attending that seminar ALL SEASON. Like how desperate was her phony Lara Croft photo which Adam ignored?

Lisa Vanderpump

Meanwhile back in LA, Lisa Vanderpump is handling the first full dinner service at TomTom without Tom 1 and Tom 2. It’s so much easier to get things done when you’re not also wrangling children! Tom 1 calls to check in and is told by Lisa to occupy himself because after 30-something restaurants she’s fairly certain she can handle this. Nonetheless, Lisa was impressed by Tom’s gesture. Serious business person Tom 2 was probably crying into Katie’s lap while she spanked him instead.

Ariana Madix

The best thing that happened at dinner is that Ariana Madix notices that Lala Kent is getting drunk and wants to try and prevent any outbursts. She does her friend a solid by pulling her aside for a heart-to-heart about grief management. Ariana was a legit friend here by being honest with Lala about her low-blows were going too far. Lala tried to throw in Ariana’s face that she, of all people, should understand, so Ariana whipped out the trump card (in a not arrogant way): the summer that her dad died was also the summer Kristen was telling everyone she cheated with Tom 1 and trying to get her fired from SUR.

You know, the same Kristen who cheated ON Tom with Jax, and a couple of other people, then started sleeping with James while they were still living together. MORALS! But we’re supposed to forget all of Kristen’s transgressions because she is reformed from Krazy Kristen. The proof is that Lisa let her inside TomTom! I’m guessing Kristen doesn’t recall what happened at the beginning of the season with Hope and James and Raquel?

Lala Kent

Lala is shocked by what Ariana shares, and it makes her see Ariana’s point. Going gangsta with grief, cuts off your nose to spite your face, and cutting your nose should only be done by a board-certified plastic surgeon with his own reality show. Lala promises that when she feels the rage coming on, she’ll try to find Ariana. Ariana is satisfied knowing there is at least a possibility this might occur. At least it sounds possible so long as James isn’t around.

The girls are planning to go skinny-dipping after dinner, an annual tradition started by Stassi herself, and the boys will hang out. But suddenly Stassi wants to go to bed and demands Beau go with her. When he argues, she declares that his FOMO addiction will destroy their relationship. But dude has a point: They’re on vacation, plus he’s on vacation on TV. Most of these adults kids have been partying on television since their last decade, but Beau is new and wants the opportunity to live it up. He does not want to escort his mother to their hotel room, then sit there watching Law & Order reruns while she applies cold cream, and falls asleep.

I guess with Katie and Kristen behaving, one of these three has to be obnoxious, and so Stassi is up. Remember when she was good terrible? Like season 1 and 2. That was the Golden Era of Stassi-ism, and I miss it.

Skinny Dipping in Mexico

The girls manage to save Beau by calling Stassi and begging her to come. This is the thing that always intrigues me about this group. Stassi would do anything for the girls, but nothing at her boyfriend’s insistence. The guys are the same way: their loyalty is always to their guys. Maybe that’s what happens when you basically end up marrying someone you’ve been group-thinking with for so long they’re practically your sister (looking at you, Tom 2!).

Vanderpump Rules

With the girls gone, Beau practically weeps with the joy of freedom. It is all very sweetly bromancing the tequila until Tom 1 farts – in white pants – on Jax’s face and everyone scatters to avoid dying of gas fumes. But Beau is happy folded into this mantribe who understand the oppressive force of the SheBeasts. Tom 2 hugged him in solidarity, then passed him a drink and all was right with the world. The ocean’s healing power also temporarily worked on Stassi who even apologized.

Then there is that truly awesome FOMO: Tequila Can Help ad put together by the same brilliant people who brought us Scheana Shay’s Totally 80’s sitcom. Let’s just replace Vanderpump Rules with more of these, because it is so much more fun! And yes, tequila can help — unless you’re Brittany’s ulcer, Beau.

The next day they rent ATVs to venture into the jungle. While they’re swimming in the lagoons, or whatever, Jax warns Stassi that Beau is a good one. The best one. The Brittany of the boys. So Stassi better not mistreat him with her shitty tantrums and emotional manipulations because he deserves better. Stassi is shocked to hear solid advice from Jax. Me too. Grief is turning Lala into a rage-a-holic, but it’s turning Jax into a drunken Dr. Phil. Next, he’ll be getting certified to do reiki massages. I hope! Unfortunately, Stassi does not internalize Jax’s advice. She’s not ‘there’ yet…

Kristen continues to be impressed by her own maturity on this trip. She brags to Katie about her accomplishment of having no freak outs. Ever supportive, Katie side-eyes her with a warning that the trip is only half over… but for now Kristen is comparing herself to a peaceful butterfly floating in the warm winds of Mexico. “Soy una mariposa,” Kristen announces triumphantly after using GoogleTranslate. Simmer down now, Mariah!

Scheana Marie

However, after a pleasant day, Scheana and Lala invite Kristen to their room to get ready for a night of clubbing. They hand Kristen a baby bottle spiked with something, then turn her from a butterfly into a moth by revealing that Jax still believes she slept with James last vacation. Scehana insists it’s her duty as a re-friend of the Three-Headed SheBeast to let them know when people are talking about them, so you know this is basically the same as bribing them with enchiladas.

And then off Kristen and Lala go blaming everything wrong in their lives on James. Kristen decides the real reason she is behaving on this trip is because James is absent. Except what happened in Solvang? And that time the girls kicked her out of Europe for her antics? Lala agrees she is able to drink AND have fun because James isn’t around. Why are these girls so pressed by James? I’m starting to think the sleeping with him was the best thing they’ve ever done in their lives, not the other way around.

Kristen Doute

The consensus is that Kristen must confront Jax that night at the club. So she baby giraffe legs over there and stumbles through an accusation, but Jax is just like WHO CARES – lemma alone. Kristen doesn’t think it’s fair that the guys are allowed to get away with everything – including nonstop cheating – while she is still being villainized as Krazy Kristen, like she’s the only person who ever misbehaved. OK, Jax is really the only consistent asshole of the group; and Kristen is seemingly forgetting that she also cheated WITH Jax and was forgiven. Among other things. So nice attempt at a feminist point, but like all others on this show, it falls flat.

Then Kristen forgets why she’s upset, and goes back inside to have fun. Which thank you butterflies! In fact, everyone is having fun except Stassi, who is sulky and being mean to Beau. Again. Stassi complains that lately when she drinks, there comes a point when she just turns, and then is just a miserable human.

At the club Stassi snaps at Beau because he wants her to let loose and have fun, to go on the balcony and dance with the girls, to take off her SPANX, and just enjoy life. That is so not Stassi. Enjoying life is for assholes.

Katie Maloney

On the way home Lala has a panic attack but maybe she stuck some Xanax in her baby bottle she calls Big Daddy Rand (did you notice her shirtdress said “Daddy” and had pictures of Rand’s face all over it – BAAARF), and then was fine, because she was ready to keep drinking at the hotel. Next time call, Beau!

Ariana is so drunk she can barely stand up, but also rallies to dispense life advice to a topless Lala and Katie while the Tom’s bustle around them serving them cocktails. Tom 2 loves drunk Ariana. “I’m proud of you for drinking so much,” Tom 1 says, smiling at the woman he loves, as she lies in the hotel hallway with her dress around her waste. I love drunk Ariana too.

Stassi Schroeder & Beau Clark

Meanwhile, Stassi is screaming at Beau because he wants to still be hanging out instead of watching her wash her face. While ordinarily yes, this would be a problem, but they are on vacation! These two have one of those drunken arguments that is literally tacking an “ER” on the end of a word that already has “ING” and everything is all slurred together into a giant vomit of word diarrhea which makes no sense. Like just go eat some greasy food instead.

Eventually, Beau starts crying – again – about being battered, then Stassi starts crying – again – about how she’s only had bad boyfriends (the common denominator is you, Stassi) and she doesn’t want to be cheated on by Beau too. And then I don’t know what happened because I just couldn’t take it anymore.


[Photo Credits: Bravo]