Vanderpump Rules Recap: Press PAWS!

Last night’s Vanderpump Rules was one of the most boring and utterly pointless (re: contrived) episodes we’ve seen in a long time. Clearly this season is running out of steam if the major happenings are Raquel Leviss trying – and failing – to invite people to a “Puppy Shower” for her dog, or Lala Kent having a low-grade panic attack after too many edibles drinks in Mexico.

Like really, how many times can we watch Stassi Schroeder and Beau Clark have the same whiny crying fight with their puffy hung-over faces and snotty tears? UGH. How many times can we watch Katie Maloney make fun of Tom 2‘s dick. I mean, we get it – sometimes it’s invisible, other times hidden behind a mini bag of Lays Potato Chips. And honestly how many times can we watch James Kennedy grovel for acceptance and forgiveness? James let your self-esteem be like Tom 2’s peen – a grower, not a show-er.

Anyway, the crew is still in Mexico. It seems like they’ve been there for eons. Ariana Madix and Kristen Doute have bonded after a raucous night out with plenty of making out. This is quite a weird cyclical perimeter for Tom Sandoval, right? He and Kristen broke up because she cheated with Jay Taylor, now Tom could potentially lose another girlfriend to Kristen at the hands of Ariana cheating with Kristen, but Kristen would be both the other woman and the ex. Plus Tom and Jax would also share having Kristen cheat with their girlfriends…

Well, UGH – it’s all too incestuous! Ariana also needs to stop cheating on Tom 1 and he needs to stop pretending he’s OK with it, while wearing this edgy, intense, guarded smile. Long story shortchanged, Ariana and Kristen have finally connected after all these years, and now they’re sucking face.

Scheana Marie & Ariana Madix

Meanwhile Lala is having some sort of panic attack at dinner and keeps demanding Kristen and Scheana Marie squeeze her hand and lay their hands on her face, literally petting her like a dog, like faith healing. Or a strange satanic cult where all the hands have gross plastic appendages jutting out of the finger tips. Strangely Stassi isn’t into this.

Lala Kent

Scheana is but feels used as a healer of convenience. The night before Lala was making out with every girl in the group, but NOT HER, but now when Lala needs someone to hold her down to reality she turns to … Scheana? Poor Scheana – nobody loves her! Nobody wants her! Nobody wants her body! I mean Adam Spott won’t respond to her FaceTimes or raunchy jungle sex slave photos, and now Lala won’t make out with her. Yes, even Lala’s panic attacks are all about Scheana…

Finally Lala goes to bed with her BaaBaa, and while Katie is tucking her in, Tom 2 plans the ultimate seduction by buying $10,000 worth of snacks from the hotel minibar.

Tom Schwartz

Tom 2 tosses snacks all over the room and bed, then hires the hotel violinist to hide in the shower, once Katie coms in, Tom 2 barks to cue her to start serenading them as they lie in a Cheeto-covered bed. Katie looked … well, like she always looks –  with a half-stink face and a crotchety smirk. At least Katie liked the snacks! I am so over Tom 2’s schtick. And Lisa Vanderpump clearly is too, because when they get back to WeHo she lets him know that the buy-in check he wrote TomTom bounced. Of course it did! Tom didn’t even remember what account he had and if the account had money in it, or was active, then he bought $10 million dollars worth of Doritos and Twix Bars to try and make Katie love and want him, like smearing cheap chocolate on his junk would make it function more effectively?

The next morning Lala is still panicy. Scheana tries to be empathetic and understanding by reminding her, “And having to fly coach doesn’t help…” LOL Scheana is always the bearer of bad news – like a Singing Telegraph Girl. But where is Mandall with his magical, mystical jet to whisk Lala away from the evil captivity in the jungle to the palatial Hollywood Hills where Gucci sandals disappear and reappear on baby voice command?

Jax Taylor

While everyone else packs Jax and Brittany Cartwright plan their mashed potato-themed engagement party. At $65 per person Brittany has a guest list a mile long, and is inviting everyone — except Billie Lee and Jax’s mom, because he doesn’t want them there. Don’t worry – Scheana’s mom and Adam will be there though!

Back in LA Lisa is trying to salvage Scheana’s love life. Again. She lectures Adam on setting firm expectations with Scheana who has a history of turning into a Stage-5 Alien Facehugger the second you follow her on Instagram.  Adam is all too aware. He’s been using the weekend for a much-needed break. Scheana hasn’t taken the hint though.

With everyone out of town James and Raquel decide to plan a Puppy Shower (WTF?!) for Graham. Since everyone loves dogs they believe this will be away to reconnect with the group. Was Raquel ever connected? And once she refused to dump James on command she was definitely exited. This is the SheHoe Mafia of WeHo, here y’all!

James Kennedy & Raquel Leviss

A puppy shower is the dumbest thing I have ever heard! Now I love James, but his desperation to be included is as cringe-worthy as Scheana’s, and I really wish he’d just accept that it’s never going to happen and go forge his own path. If he’s smart he’d try to get a DJ gig at Lisa’s Vegas restaurant, which all the rumors are saying will soon become another spinoff. James can go there, and leave all of these has-been miring around in them muck at SUR.

But at least they all return to LA with a wicked case of Motezuma’s Revenge! Everyone except Tom 1, who you know had a water purifier in his suitcase!

Lala has come to work in literally a sports bra and Lisa has to remind her that this isn’t a Rand’s living room a strip club, but a restaurant and the health department demands they all wear proper attire – except on PRIDE then it’s OK.

The return of the group signals the return of Billie’s need for relevance! She’s been feeling neglected and ignored when all the drama left, so she pulls Lisa aside to ask if James can DJ another one of her brunches. This time the super innovative theme is a White Party! Which gives Lisa awful flashbacks of Kyle Richards and her pathetic white parties, so Lisa is instantly in a bad mood over the whole thing. Since James admitted to having a beer with his dad the other day, Lisa says he’s not allowed to work at SUR given that he’s supposed to be completely sober.

Lisa Vanderpump & Billie Lee

I think this is a little harsh, but of course James needs firm boundaries. We all know he intentionally told Lisa about having the beer because on some level he wants to be held accountable and also have parents who, well, parent him. Billie doesn’t see it that way. She sees it as Lisa choosing Lala over James and Lala being allowed to get away with treating James and everyone else like shit. Proving that she’s no better than Lala, Billie responds by cussing at Lisa and storming away. Lisa is quick to warn Billie that she’s not at Jax-Status, aka a star of this show who can get away with disrespecting the boss for drama, so perhaps she should check with Kristen about how that USUALLY goes….

Scheana is thrilled to report to Brittany that the second she came home Adam came over for a hookup, but in the middle of having sex he got a leg cramp and had to stop boning her to foam roll! I just can’t… Then they talk about how Billie is uninvited from Brittany’s engagement party to avoid drama. What kind of reality stars don’t want unnecessary drama at their engagement party? These people are coasting on their laurels, I tell you.

After her fight with Lisa, Billie goes to Scheana for guidance? A friend? Both of those concepts are laughable. The dumpster was occupied so they end up chatting by the back fridges where the second best incidents are relegated. Scheana basically tells Billie that she has to do what she’s done: choose the group over James, or find herself sitting on the sidelines of, uh, fun? Billie rightly scoffs that this is so high school mean girl. Yes, precisely, and it’s never going to change because these people are TURNING 40 and still on a reality show that’s supposed to be about early-20 somethings working in a trendy LA bar. Basically their careers are predicated on having perma-Peter Pan syndrome.

Billie Lee

With Billie already re-evaluating her choices in life, Scheana drives the nail in the coffin by telling her she’s not invited to Jax and Brittany’s engagement party either! Billie is bereft, and practically in tears, confronts Brittany. Brittany explains that essentially Billie isn’t their friend, but also she’s friends with James, so you know… While all this is happening Max is standing right next to Billie and Brittany, actually working, and completely ignoring them – which I just loved.

Don’t you just want James to crash this party SO BAD. The flashback to Scheana’s engagement party with Tom 1 punching Jax is a testament to how far this show has fallen from its original greatness. (Pssst – recast!)

For some stupid reason Raquel decides she’s going to SUR to personally invite a select few to her puppy party. First she tries Brittany and Jax who reject her on The James Matter. Then she heads over to Tom Tom to see if Stassi might come. Stassi has no idea what she’s even being invited to, but it sounds horrible and she declines. Raquel whines that it’s not fair that everyone is punishing her for dating James, but Stassi gets it – after all someone married Charles Manson. (And also people have wanted to date her, so…)

Stassi Schroeder

Raquel, of course, has no idea who Charles Manson is (or how Google works), and probably needs to go watch Winnie The Pooh in the closet some more. When Raquel gets back to the car where James is waiting she’s befuddled about whether or not she should invite Charles to the party since it seems like he’s been rejected by the ThreeHeaded SheBeast too, and it’s not fair to leave people out!

With Raquel lost in thought about how to help Charles, James finally has the epiphany that he doesn’t actually care if these people don’t want to come to his puppy shower. Yeah – Graham deserves better! Like don’t set him up for a life of low-self esteem by forcing him to interact with people who are only at his parties to get on TV. Don’t start telling him he took his first steps in Vanderpup Dogs and pretending like you’ve done your job!

Amid everything else happening Lisa notices that Tom 1 is behind the bar when he should be at Tom Tom with Tom 2, walking the room and perfecting his gangster routine. So Lisa fires Tom from SUR, then they walk over to Tom Tom together, which I just thought was so cute.

That’s when Lisa delivers the bad news to Tom 2 that while he’s strutting around like owns this place, he actually definitely doesn’t. Like he doesn’t even own the toilet paper rolls in the bathroom because his check bounced! Tom 1 is mortified. After all he managed to spend $15k on a motorcycle plus $20k on scuba accessories including an underwater hair dryer, yet his check still cashed. Maybe because Tom actually has a job? Even if it is bartending at SUR.


[Photo Credits: Bravo]