Tonight is the premiere of Vanderpump Rules! Season 4 likely promises no less drama, but I almost can’t imagine anything topping the Kristen Doute–Tom Sandoval Stalking Scandal and the Invasion Of The Miami Girl!
To refresh your memory on everything that happened last season, plus give you a taste of what you’re in for, we’re recapping the craziest moments from season 3. In short: There was a whole lotta cheatin’ going on!
CLICK CONTINUE READING FOR THE RECAP!
Scheana Marie Gets Married:
Scheana spent most of last season planning her Lisa Frank Disney Princess Glitterama Fantasy wedding on $15 dollars through a wedding planner she found on instagram. Scheana’s wedding to Mike Shay also included all the classics, from the dollar dance to a crop top wedding gown. But no Stassi!
Scheana also browbeat everyone at SUR to think of her wedding as their wedding – meaning it better be the most important day of their lives!
Although beautiful, the day was not without drama. Scheana’s big day was plagued by bad timing, inept wedding planners, and Kristen Doute‘s huge argument with then-boyfriend James Kennedy! The blow-up even spilled out into the parking lot when Kristen tried to leave with her “trainer.” Don’t worry – Kristen and James had the most amazing, adult, supportive, earth-shattering relationship like ever and were able to patch things up.
Stassi Schroeder Returns More Crotchety Than Ever!
After swearing off the SUR and Vanderpump Rules and pronouncing The Almighty Patrick her personal savior for rescuing her from the immature losers she once considered friends, Stassi trounced back into SUR demanding fried goat cheese balls and pinot grigio. No longer a waitress, the newly grown-up, super adult and mature Stassi focused on her big-time job of designing statement necklaces. And hating Scheana.
It was not all happy endings for Stassi, though, she ended her friendship to longtime bestie Katie Maloney. Poor Katie was caught between The Stassi (aka the friend people felt obligated to be nice to) and The Nu-Stassi, aka Scheana (the new popular girl throwing the best parties!). When it came time for Scheana’s and Mike’s joint bachelor/bachelorette party weekend in Miami, Scheana had to invite Tom 2 with Katie too. Katie decided to put her Stassi-induced differences with Scheana aside, but Stassi wasn’t so forgiving about Katie’s decision to make new friends but keep the old. She accused Katie of betrayal.
A Tale Of Two Cheating Toms:
Poor Tom 2 can barely handle the stress of being a bartender at PUMP, let alone the pressures of an inquisition about whether or not he drunkenly made out with some girl in Vegas 52 zillion years ago. Katie may have motorboated some random guy’s crotch (she was actually just putting her shoes on, Kristen!), but she wasn’t alone in pseudo-cheating.
Jax Taylor revealed that Tom 2 isn’t the sweet innocent he pretends to be and Katie got a dose of what it feels like to be in the midst of a cheating scandal. Tom 2, who almost applied to med school before becoming a male model, proved to be a smart one: he fessed-up to Katie and, no matter what Stassi did to persuade her otherwise, Katie forgave him.
But all was still not well in the magical love land of TomKat 2.0. Katie made Tom 2 get counseling for his fears of commitment and growing up. As she waited patiently and anxiously for a ring – while her youth slipped away – Tom 2 gave Katie a ‘ring on a string’, not at all linked to a future. But they also got a dog!
Onto the OTHER subject of cheating Toms: Did Tom 1 cheat, or did Tom 1 not cheat with ‘Miami Girl’?
Despite cheating on Tom 1, her boyfriend of many years with his bestie Jax, on his sofa, then in his bed; and then rebounding with Tom 1’s friend James, and moving him – temporarily – into Tom 1’s former apartment, Kristen still dreamed of getting back together with Tom 1. She dreamed so much she became Tom and Ariana Madix‘s nightmare and developed a wee bit of an obsession.
One fine day as Kristen was lamenting the cable box she once shared with Tom (which was now in the hot sticky hands of his new girlfriend Ariana), she trolled instagram and stumbled upon a girl from Miami called Annemarie. And Annemarie had a story to tell about a drug-fueled, drunken one-night stand she had with Tom 1 while he was in Miami. According to Annemarie, Tom 1 was very much in her Miami – at least for 2 seconds. During this so-called incident Tom 1 also happened to be very much together with Ariana.
From that moment forward Kristen did everything in her power to expose Tom as the cheater she knows he was – why should she be the only one who looks bad?
Even Tom 1‘s tearful pleas begging for closure and moving on did little to dissuade Kristen from her harebrained stalking.
Yes, Kristen decided vengeance was hers. Because regardless of the logic being that SHE cheated ON Tom, in Kristen’s mind SHE was actually the victim of him cheating on her with Ariana. Makes sense? Kristen decided to prove Tom’s infidelity with a surprise guest. She invited Annemarie to appear at SUR and demand Tom 1 admit to having sex with her.
Tom admitted no such thing, and instead turned tail and ran, ran holding hands with Ariana, into an awaiting Uber. Sitting back with her cocktail, watching the melee unfold, and then chasing Ariana across the parking lot was Kristen. Scheana, the bestie of Ariana, confronted Kristen about the schemes. The sad part Kristen wasn’t even working there at the time; Lisa Vanderpump had already fired Kristen for bringing such trashy drama into SUR.
And yet that still wasn’t the end of Kristen’s plotting! She roped Jax into things by insisting that he could verify Anne marie’s story no matter how much Tom 1 denied it and Ariana believed him. The plan was flawed from the get-go because Jax is a habitual liar who probably keeps getting nose jobs because of his Pinocchio-ism.
The only thing that was resolved was the ownership of the cable box – Tom 1 finally returned it to a sniffling Kristen.
The Many Loves Of Jax Taylor:
In between his plastic surgery, Jax had a girlfriend or two. First, there was Carmen, whom he dumped over pizza because he met Tiffany, a sexy grown-up who expected him to act his age, not his IQ (14). Of course Jax also managed to cheat on Tiffany! When Tiffany organized a guys weekend for the Toms + Jax in San Diego, Jax forgot Tiffany existed and cheated in his hotel bathroom. Jax denied it, but not even his burrito believed his innocence.
After all that Jax begged Carmen back, at least for the night of Scheana’s wedding where he hoped she’d feel the love and reach out to touch him. Jax’s trouble with the truth plagued all his relationships all season, but since no one can stay mad at Jax (or his loser logic), they haphazardly forgave him. Except for Stassi. During the season finale party she saw Jax across the room and ran. What’s he got on her?
Girls On Film
One of the biggest reveals of the season came from Stassi during the reunion. After being pressed to admit why she was such an everlasting twat all season, Stassi admitted to making a solo sex tape for her ex-boyfriend, who then passed it all around SUR! Oops.
Stassi blamed Scheana for spreading it around. However, the entire cast knew about the video yet decided to keep it a secret. In exchange for their discretion Stassi constantly called them pathetic, disgusting losers and declared she was too good of them. Stassi then quit the “toxic” environment of Vanderpump Rules and accused Lisa of using her. Of course she’s back. I mean it’s not like she has anything else to do.
Well that was the past, and this is the future! In tonight’s season premiere episode Lisa ponders expanding SUR, Scheana turns 30 and celebrates with a costume party. When unexpected guest Kristen arrives, Tom and Ariana question Scheana’s friendship loyalty! Meanwhile James‘ increasingly reckless behavior is threatening his DJ career.
In positive new directions, Tom 2 recognizes he’s finally ready to solidify his relationship with Katie.
Most surprising – after another nose job Jax’s mother visits and provides intriguing details about his life before Jax, back when he was Jason.
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[Main Photo Credit: Tibrina Hobson/Getty Images; All Other Images: Bravo]