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Vanderpump Rules - TomTom Opens

On last night’s Vanderpump Rules TomTom finally opened its doors in the frantic, frenzied, disastrous way you’d expect from Tom 1 and Tom 2.

Welcome to Mr. Tom’s Wild Ride – first stop the deluxe modern apartment of one DJ James Kennedy, who will have his reintroduction into SURciety by being the inaugural DJ at TomTom. Trust me – it sounds like a much bigger honor than it actually is. With havoc on the homefront and no ice at the bar, Lisa Vanderpump quickly realizes she needs the Toms temporarily distracted. So, she dispatches 5% personal assistants to wrangle menial tasks. Tom 2, as always, drew the short straw and is forced to go discuss the music with James.

As he waits for Tom’s arrival James works on his apology letter to Mandall, the entree nous he needs to get back into Lala Kent‘s homie status. Raquel LeViss is not impressed with James’ labors of Lala-dom. 

What will Raquel do if James gets a friend? She does not want to once again be missing out on the ice scream scoopies! Also – I get it, James should not have a friend like Lala. Who is no friend to Raquel (or James). It is certainly a betrayal to grovel forgiveness from someone who called your girlfriend “dumb’ and a “twat” . But, it is even more than that, because James has harbored inappropriate notions of unrequited ish for Lala for years. It rightly makes Raquel uncomfortable.

Although if Raquel really doesn’t have anything to do if she can’t tag along with James… that too is a problem. At Raquel’s objection, James crumbles the letter and tosses it to Graham (the dog) to play with. I think it was so the cameras wouldn’t be able to catch that James cannot even spell his own name – let alone Randall which he thinks is spelled “big old fat Mandall.”

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Vanderpump Rules - James Kennedy & Tom Schwartz

Then in front of Tom 2, whom James has to make a good impression for, Raquel coyly realizes that two can play the jealousy and betrayal game. She mentions that she might go to Girl’s night at SUR … to support Billie Lee. James, erupts, stomps out of the apartment and then returns in tears … because what will James do if Raquel has friends? Make soulful muzack on his Fisher Price keyboard?

James is clearly mourning his relationship with alcohol more than he is mourning his relationship with SUR. And without his security blanket – booze – his emotional world is in a tailspin. It’s the five stages of grief – and James is past denial, and well into anger. “I think you’re a phenomenal DJ, I just don’t think you’re a phenomenal drinker,” counsels Tom 2, a man who understands being a bad drunk (and also hating Katie Maloney for everything and drowning those feelings in 24 packs of Coors Light).

Meanwhile, Tom 1 is in panic mode: he has to pick up uniforms, cocktail fixings, his prized set of golden testicle bracelets, the diamond-studded cocktail shaker he had custom monogrammed for opening night after selling his sperm on the black market for months (sarcasm – obviously), and his dry cleaning… Yet the entire time he is panicking in his Mercedes (!) with Ariana Madix by his side, I cannot stop staring at the huge unblended smear of bronzer running down his cheekbone. Duuuuude. Amateur!

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Vanderpump Rules - Lala Kent

Lala meets Scheana Marie for coffee which starts out with Scheana sexually harassing the barista. Then, she cried because Katie, Stassi Schroeder, and Kristen Doute don’t want to spend hours of their every day listening to a listicle of Scheana’s obsession: lately her “hang and bang” relationship with Adam Spott, which means Scheana is still technically single, but testicularly not. And like she wants to keep it that way until someone richer comes along, but Adam is hot, and good with his hands and TV cables, and like… on and on.

Vanderpump Rules - Scheana Marie

Lala is planning to take all the girls on a vineyard weekend to thank them for the support when her father passed away. After the mention of a private jet couldn’t even distract Scheana from talking about herself, Lala decides the time has come to bring out the big guns by mentioning that the Three-Headed She Beast will never be Scheana’s friend.

Also I think Lala has 50 words for the word “Randall,” but, yeah, the SheBeasts only have words and time for Scheana when it’s convenient. Lala suggests that Scheaana stop trying so hard to impress and just accept their relationship for what it is, but Scheana refuses to give up!

At Girl’s Night Out Vol 2 at SUR, Tom 2 tells Katie and Stassi all about his journey to see James. He obviously exaggerates what happened – like James never called them “whores” – to make James look worse, because distraction is the way to avoid the wrath of Katie and Stassi from turning on him. James was mostly upset about losing the income of See You Next Tuesday, which Katie isn’t earning extra from, yet DJing gigs pay his bill.

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Maybe Tom 2 was also still reeling from being caught n the middle of James and Raquel’s fight? To his credit, he adds that he believes James is trying to change. Katie refuses to believe this and complains that James never thinks about anyone but himself.  Also, Katie looks like a bootleg Morticia Adamms. And when has Katie ever given a thought to anyone else? Or the way they feel? Something is wrong with her level of cognitive dissonance.

The second Girl’s Night was decidedly less busy (and decidedly less Billie). Even with the Vanderpump Rules girls on the bar in lingerie trying to pour liquor on people’s heads. Lala only went to the party to invite Ariana and Stassi on Mandall’s PJ. Aka, brag about Mandall’s PJ timeshare. Why do I imagine they just went to like the local aviation museum and took pictures posing on a private jet, then ended up on a propeller plane? Cause that’s how you propel a thirsty bitch forth to the vineyard!

Also, Lisa’s version of lingerie is an Eduardian Ruff that looks like a frilly dog collar.

Somehow on this Vanderpump Rules episode, it also became Jax Taylor‘s birthday again. I thought he already celebrated, but apparently not!

Jax and Brittany Cartwright go out to lunch that leaves me wondering: Why are dubious seafood restaurants the only places Jax eats? Does he want to get food poisoning for the temporary weight loss? While eating friend tilapia, Jax and Brittany deploy their one shared brain cell to have the lightening moment that a place like this is the “perfect venue” for beer cheese. Not exactly a glowing endorsement!

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Vanderpump Rules - Jax Taylor

Then Jax begins to cry into his shrimp dip because his mom did not call him on his 39th birthday – the end of an era – to recount the moment her life fell apart with the occasion of his birth. A dubious occasion indeed. Instead, Jax and his mom are still not speaking over the way his dad’s death was handled. Jax cries as he talks to his sister with Brittany interjeeeecktin’ in the background to holler ” I luuuurve yew!” and to counsel Jax that it will all be okaaaay because they’re engaaaaaaaaaaayged – just in case the dying lobster didn’t know. I will stop making fun though because this is Jax’s first birthday without his father. And that is a very sad reality indeed. RIP Papa Jax.

Vanderpump Rules - Tom Sandoval & Tom Schwartz

Things for the Daily Mail party for an advance preview of TomTom are falling apart. The toilets look like Jax used them after eating his shrimp lunch washed down with beer cheese. The ice machines aren’t working. Uniforms haven’t arrived. The AC is on the fritz. “The clock is ticking! Actually, no, the clock’s not even ticking,” sighs Lisa as she resigns herself to a fate of Tom 2 serving her high-paying guests warm drinks wearing his signature track pants. WHY DID SHE NOT HIRE KEVIN LEE?! Now she’s up to her satin pussy bow collar in shi-shi-shi-SHIT! Which Tom 2 is required to clean in the bathrooms.

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Tom 1, meanwhile, doesn’t even know the address of the bar he c0-owns as he tries to coordinate the uniform delivery. At the last minute Lisa reminds her erstwhile business fart-ners, that this is THE DAILY MAIL party – not their opening night party, which means Tom and Tom’s friends: NOT INVITED. Especially not Kristen! Lisa is wearing a t-shirt that reads, “Checkmate Bitch” and true that, because Kristen probably thinks chess in an exercise one can do to tighten your boobs.

Vanderpump Rules - Tom Schwartz

As he is at a severe learning curve in adulting and jobbing, Tom 2 is given his second undesirable boss duty of the week – texting Kristen to disinvite her. I had 100 pairs of unwashed track pants on Kristen showing up anyway to taunt James in the DJ booth, and ruing everything. Cause new bar, same boring, pathetic, schtick, but she proved me wrong for once. There is a level decency in her, smothered under Tito’s vodka and bad Wet N Wild gel. Probably  the only thing that got her through the night was plotting revenge against James at some later date. Like it is his fault The Daily Mail hired him.

Actually, I’m quite shocked Katie can attend. After all, James will be there. And she suffers from body shamed PTSD meltdown about how she is the most victimized, maligned woman in the world, viciously targeted by a tormentor named James who stalks and harasses her relentlessly for eating a piece of cheesecake.

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Then finally, it is time for everyone to prepare for the debut party! Stassi puts Beau to work steaming what looks like a Juicy Couture velour sweatsuit she bought at Paris Hilton‘s garage sale. It turns out to be another droppy jumpsuit thingy where some ‘chess’ needs to be deployed.

Of course, Kristen is mid-getting ready when Tom 2 texts to say she’s not allowed to come. He throws LVP under the bus by blaming her. Kristen is furious that Lisa is still retaliating against her for outbursts that happened “years ago” (or at PRIDE like 2 months ago!) when she is a changed woman. As of last weekend? Wasn’t Kristen just complaining that James can’t use this excuse? Now Kristen is a woman all dressed up with no place to go, forced to hang out with Carter. Well, she’s getting a taste of her own medicine – maybe she’ll have some sympathy for how James has been feeling!

Luckily for Katie, she won’t have to interact with James! Due to an unresolved electricity issue, he will be DJing from the closet, while sitting on two Costco-sized packs of toilet paper. Witnessing James in the closet, and all the accompanying jokes he can make about him being in the closet, is also the best birthday gift Jax could receive. Charmin’ indeed!

Wearing matching outfits, and matching “Tom” necklaces, outside, moments before welcoming guests, Tom and Tom touch their foreheads together in the closet thing they’ll ever get to mating and chant a sacred phrase. “Toooom” (said like “Om”) in rhythmic harmony. It’s tantric! And it works because as the doors open everything pulls together and looks amazing.

And omg – what is that purple cocktail everyone was drinking – especially Lisa. MMMMM… Want.

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Vanderpump Rules - TomTom Finally Opens

And like a bride on her wedding day, Lisa arrives resplendent in white, dripping in jewels, and escorted by Ken, to receive all her accolades. The only snafu is that mid-party they run out of aquafava, “the viscous liquid found in a can of chickpeas.” Tom 2 must run across the street to Whole Foods to buy some to feed the dietary sensitivities of the vegan masses. Then Tom 2 sanitarily crouches on the floor with a can opener between his knees and empties them into what looks like a plastic wastepaper can.

Lisa may be drunk on happiness, and her relief that Tom and Tom aren’t complete disasters, but she quickly sobers into the realism that they have A LOT to do before a proper opening! Starting with electric can openers and a distributor for aquafava. Also, a way to get James out of the closet. Tom and Tom DO realize you can buy aquafava in powdered form, don’t they?

As they celebrate their triumph, the Toms are jubilant. They are bar owners! And their bar seems poised to be a success!

Vanderpump Rules - Ariana Madix & Katie Maloney

Tom 2 is more intimate with Tom 1 than he is with Katie as he kisses her like one kisses his grandmother with a quick peck on the lips as they stare at the lit up Tom Tom sign against the smoggy WeHo sky. Meanwhile, Ariana and Tom 1, snuggle outside, near the back dumpsters of Tom Tom – their safe space! – because the more things change, the more they stay the same, as they plan for a brighter future of custom cocktails and childless years.

TELL US – WHAT DO YOU THINK OF TOM TOM? DID LISA MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION IN NOT INVITING KRISTEN?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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