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Scheana Marie - Vanderpump Rules

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away a foolish princess sat in her WeHo walkup, and pledged her love to Jax Taylor, a pile of mashed potatoes that sometimes took on human-esque features and pretended to have a heart, but mostly just oozed brown puss. This princess of purgatory is Brittany Cartwright and on last night’s Vanderpump Rules she had an engagement party

This party seemed like it was supposed to be a wedding, until producers decided to drag out the drama by turning it into an engagement party last minute. Like they expected a huge blowout where Brittany’s dad confronted her about what an insipid ass Jax is. Or Jax and the Toms got in a fight with Brittany’s brothers. Instead, the biggest drama was Scheana Marie crying in a corner because Adam Spott rejected her adopt-a-penguin apology gift.

Also Ariana Madix nervously confronted Lisa Vanderpump‘s about treating the Toms like grownups because then, like, maybe they might, like, act, like, one. Or Tom 1 will at least. 

Brittany Cartwright & Jax Taylor

Brittany and Jax are engaaaaaaaayged and every cactus in Los Angeles knows. Even the ones way out in Marina del Ray where Adumb realizes he’ll never have to go again after unshackling himself from Scheana’s desperation. Adam literally hasn’t spoken two words all season. When he finally did, he unleashed a beast of fury which put Scheana so in her place, she was about to enter Witness Protection, aka travel back to Kentucky with MeeMaw to make beer cheese in the retirement home trailer park.

Brittany is impervious to this though, because fairy tale-themed engagement party, y’all! Ok, let’s get real – Brittany isn’t excited she’s marrying Jax, she’s excited to get married period. Even better it’s a big televised to-do that makes her feel like she’s a real-life princess. Also fairy tale? More like when the evil king promises his daughter to an ogre in exchange for a pair of golden balls, so the princess ends up trapped in a dungeon making ham sandwiches while wearing the ogre’s keys tied to her bra so he always knows where to find them. Brittany is living in the BEFORE part of the fairy tale, as in before the handsome prince saves her.

Lisa Vanderpump

In this case, the prince is probably Lisa. Except Lisa’s not very useful as a savior, no matter what Brittany’s daddy hopes, because Lisa will always have a soft spot for Jax, the original James Kennedy. Honestly, you have to feel bad for James because he’s the one suffering the consequences for all the times Jax’s broke promises to Lisa, told her lies, vowed to change, and then got drunk, cheated again, and had another pregnancy scare with Lala a go-go dancer from Vegas.

Now James is forced to see a therapist and lie about how many times he’s drank since getting fired, while Jax gets feted at an engagement party where even Lisa believes perhaps the change has finally come over Jax. You can write Brittany and “Jason’s” fairytale engagement party in curly print as many times as your Lisa Frank unicorn pen allows it, pushing the boundaries of pink ink to an unholy level, but that does not turn a Jax into a Jason!

Stassi Schroeder

Stassi Schroeder appears to be the only realist here. Her expectations for Jax are acceptably low, but she has her own demons to fret over. Now that she’s seen a witch, Stassi expects to be perfect in her love for Beau, who remains hopeful that he can get through night of drinking without an eczema outbreak on his loins. Luckily Stassi is so dedicated to the cause of stopping Beau from leaving her she’s moderating her drinking. Um, progress?

Scheana Marie & Lala Kent

Scheana gets ready for the party with Lala Kent and Kristen Doute, while sobbing about Adam not speaking to her. Scheana hoped that Adam seeing her desired by other men, he’d immediately commit to being more than best friends. Instead, Adam saw it as his opportunity for a clean break. Not understanding this, Scheana adopted Adam a penguin, his favorite thing in the whole wide world, and named it Madison Parks Valetta Spott.

Everyone rides to the party on a party bus. Everyone: MamMaw, Brittany’s parents and 87 of closest friends. And Adam completely ignores Scheana, who does everything in her power to get his attention. Brittany is jealous that everyone on the party bus sliding down the stripper pole, sulking, and posting to the gram. Brittany can’t drink because of her abscess ulcerated ulceritis-tis-sus-sus. Except for beer and wine, which is all they’re serving at this engaaaaygement party.

Ariana’s plan is to confront LVP, but first, she has to get nice and drunk and filled with liquid courage in the form of warm tequila. Tom 1 isn’t necessarily on board with this plan, but he’s so excited Ariana is willing to do anything (at all) for him that he decides to run with it, so when Lisa comes over to say hello, Tom skips away to pose for pictures with Jax.

Ariana Madix

Ariana rambles that Tom 1 and Tom 2 are not actually, like, 12-year-olds and would’ve never gone to Mexico without Lisa’s permission so it’s like lame of Lisa to mock them publicly over this. Lisa has no idea what Ariana is talking about – of course, she’ll make fun of the Toms – what else does one keep them around for? Besides: it’s British humor! In the end, Ariana cries, and Lisa hugs her. Probably because Lisa is expending all of her haterade on Kyle Richards and Dorit Kemsley, but different show; different Lisa-nality.

Lisa was in a charmingly happy mood. I’m surprised given that, knowing Jax, she’d be apprehensive about how foolish Brittany is being. Maybe Lisa is rooting for Jax? After all, she portends that if Ken could be tamed, maybe there is hope for Jax? There isn’t. It is obvious that Ken will carry a little doggy to the end of the earth for Lisa, he will shuffle from Beverly Hills to Burma to procure her the perfect tea, or the right shade of pink rosette for the living room end table, but Jax – his love is an act, and not even a very good one. As we heard in therapy, two weeks before this party, behind closed doors he’s still the same Jax. Lisa is still going along with the allusion that it’s JAMES who is the new Jax.

Lisa doesn’t know what to do on Vanderpump Rules if she’s not bossing someone around or yelling at them, so she pulls Beau in for a chat. She wants Beau to continue putting up with all Stassi’s nonsense because reminds Lisa of herself. Yay? You know next season will open with the Jaxney wedding and end with the Steaussi wedding.

Brittany’s one bit of drama is having to tell Lala that she won’t be in the wedding party because Brittany already has 3022 bridesmaids. Her favorite checkout girl from the Walmart, the burrito roller at Taco Bell, the lady who sold her false eyelashes at Sephora, everyone Jax has slept with…

Lala, shockingly (soberly) doesn’t care. She’s probably relieved she won’t have to participate in this shit-show. Brittany is probably the type who will have more than one shower, a destination bachelorette party, a co-ed bachelorette party, a monthly ‘maids meeting, and the ‘maids will be expected to like do stuff – help arrange flower crowns, sort invites, ugh. Lala doesn’t have to time to keep up with role-playing with Mandall and doing bridal stuff, so Lala hands Brittany an invitation for an all-expense paid trip to Cabo, with transportation provided by Rand’s PJ.

Lala is hilarious pretending that anyone believes Mandall owns a PJ, and can just ‘fuel up’ at any time. Or pretending Cabo is some deluxe destination. It’s basically a 15-minute flight from LA, and a tourist trap. Brittany is shocked. She was full on expecting a meltdown, and ripped out weave, and Lala waving that 32″ false nail full of Rand’s spunk in her face, but with Brittany’s dad quelled by his LVP encounter, Lala sober, and James uninvited, there is no drama to be had, so Jax and Brittany just practice feeding each other cake. YAWN.

James Kennedy & Raquel Leviss

Meanwhile, James and Raquel Leviss are dining at SUR, because the only time they’re allowed in is when everyone else is out. James is content – he doesn’t need the Jaxney party, or any other invite to feel complete. On his therapist’s advice, he’s doing him, without the booze. Not counting beer, which isn’t actually booze but a fermented grain that can aid digestion. New James, giddy with freedom, soberly expresses his devotion to Raquel and swears she’ll never hear of a cheating rumor about him again.

Raquel believes him, and hopes she and James will get married someday. And maybe have babies. Besides James.

Back at the party, some couples have happy endings, while others are ended over oral sex with an Instagram model. That would be Scheana-Schmemememeana and Adam. These two continue ignoring each other until they get advice from the two worst sources on the planet: Kristen, who tells Scheana to confront Adam; and Tom 2 who encourages Adam to hear Scheana out. After all, if there’s one thing Tom 2 has learned it’s that you can be convinced to love anyone when you fear for the extended life of your penis.

Tom Schwartz

I believe that’s called Stockholm Syndrome, but don’t tell Tom, he just considers it marriage to Katie Maloney. Tom is so deep in his delusion of happiness he had a  TomTom onesie made. When it didn’t fit Tom 1, Tom 2 decided it was a sign that Katie is supposed to somehow activate his penis using the button stores in her purse to implant her sperm inside of his Eggo. Or at least Tom thinks that’s how baby-making works. Maybe storks bring the sperm in a CoorsLight Can and put it inside a Cheeto bag? Whatever the case… baby.

Adam Spott

Scehana’s conversation with Adam, a fairy tale of poisoned penguins and thorny rosé, basically goes like this:

Scheana: WHY WON’T YOU NOTICE ME?! I TURNED TINFOIL INTO A DRESS SO I COULD TELL ALIENS ABOUT ORAL SEX! THIS DRESS IS SO TIGHT WHEN I GOT ON THE PARTY BUS ALIENS COULD SEE MY HOO-HA, BUT YOU WOULDN’T LOOK.

Adam: Can you move? I only wanted to be on TV. Now I am, but you’re stealing my spotlight. At least reposition yourself so the dress reflects the light on my face better. Also, I told you I wasn’t OK with you sleeping with other guys while we are in our non-relationship, so now I’m mad.

Scheana: OMG – he went down on me for 20 minutes while I Snapped the whole thing so you’d notice me! OMG I thought we were best friends and best friends want what’s best for their best friends and what I want is you. And also to name this penguin Madison Mackenzie Spott.

Adam: Um… seriously, can you move?

Scehana: DON’t YOU LOVE ME? CAN YOU ANSWER THE QUESTION?

Adam: No.

Scheana: Answer the question!

Adam: I did.

Scheana: OMG – YOU DON’T LOVE ME. I fucked an Instagram model to make you jealous. I touched his penguin. I touched a real penguin. I hate fish. I like for real hate fish. Kristen almost ended our friendship, because I hate fish and this one time in the Hamptons…

Adam: GET AWAY FROM ME. PLEASE LET ME GO. Mom – save me! TV isn’t worth it! I just want to come home! HEEEEEELP.

Scehana: NO. NEVER. I can’t let you go because I covered my body with inside-out duct tape and now I’m stuck to you permanently.

Adam: SECURITY! MOM! LISA! Carl From Summer House! Rob! ANYONE…

Brittany’s dad: You sound like a young man with morals. Have you met my daughter? Jax… how about you just trade in Brittany for this girl Shayna, the hoochie-mama one, so you won’t lose any of those wedding deposits. Good talk Stassi. Nice advice about not meddling. You were right. I’ll see you at your wedding.

Lisa Vanderpump

Scheana spends the rest of the party crying in the corner. Adam hit the dance floor and made them play “Single Ladies” on repeat, then Lisa did a beer bong just to prove to Ariana that she respects the Toms. Tom 1 literally cried as Lisa walked away triumphantly. As if it was HER party, not Brittany’s. In a way, it was. It always is.

TELL US – WILL ADAM AND SCHEANA GET BACK TOGETHER? IS BRITTANY MAKING A MISTAKE MARRYING JAX?

[Photo Credit: Bravo]

 

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