Ariana Madix

Vanderpump Rules Mid-Season Trailer Released; Ariana Madix Tells Tom Sandoval “To Die”

Holy cats kiddos, it’s on like Donkey Kong in the new mid-season Vanderpump Rules trailer. Everybody is mad in this one and it looks like no feelings will be spared. Good lord, there was even a tearful Lisa Vanderpump moment.

Please take one minute and twenty seconds from your already busy lives and review this thing immediately. Page Six has the trailer and shared a breakdown of the storm coming our way. Also, it’s a big storm. You will need an umbrella, boots, a coat, and probably a flotation device.

We begin with a flash forward to Scheana Shay’s wedding to Brock Davies. Not wearing a crop top gown the second time around, Scheana looks divine and Brock looks, well guys I’m sure Brock tried hard, okay? Next we see Ariana Madix and Katie Maloney having a joyous moment over nabbing the space for their sandwich shop. This is probably their last joyous moment due to two separate men named Tom.

Cut to Tom Schwartz lamenting over the fact that Katie and Ariana are adults who have their shit together and might open before the strip mall lounge, Schwartz & Sandy’s. Then it looks like Katie might be on a date with a real live man, which could startle her after years of cohabitating with someone who wears a muumuu and socks to bed.

Next there’s a shirtless Tom Scamdoval leaning over someone we can’t see in a bed and kissing them. This now fills me with a level of disgust only comparable with a mental flashback of Ramona Singer plying her cheating husband with Crisco and trying to be romantic. Apologies to anyone who had years of therapy trying to forget that moment.

Suddenly we’re transported to Rachel Raquel Leviss and Scheana giggling about being a member of Club Homewrecker along with Lala Kent. What a time to be alive, amirite? This show could also be called When Side-Chicks Attack. Naturally we’re then treated to Wreckquel leaning over a table and kissing Schwartz. Because Rachel is busy hiding a six month affair, we skip to a scene where Oliver Saunders is pretty much trying to inhale her entire face. Look, I understand passion but that was giving alien overlord host taking another victim.

RELATED: Vanderpump Rules Cast Reacts To Alleged Tom Sandoval And Raquel Leviss Cheating Scandal

Back to Katie, she wants to bathe certain people in flames and Lala tries to give DJ James Kennedy’s new girlfriend insight into possible cheating scenarios against the rhythm of a pulsating club beat.

The number one gaslighter in the group is Scandoval. He’s once again complaining about a girlfriend who doesn’t want to have sex with him. And once again I say the common denominator is Tom, not the girlfriend(s). I vaguely remember he justified “kissing Ariana at the Golden Nugget” because Kristen Doute had lost interest in him physically. While we don’t know the timeline of the scenes, he says, “Having sex like four times a year…” to Ariana. A voice over has her replying she can’t have sex with strangers.

Another shot of Scheana answers this question. She is clearly in shock that Wreckquel and Scandoval didn’t just hook up one or two times. “It was a full blown love affair.” Then we see Captain Gaslighter back in action saying, “I wish we had BOTH tried harder,” to Ariana. Or maybe he could have been a big boy and ended his ten year relationship before screwing the festival princess.

More of Tom and Rachel dodging accusations and then she says, “I don’t fu–ing regret our relationship.” We don’t know if she says that to Sandoval, Schwartz, or Oliver. Christ I guess Randall Emmett is probably going to try and see why she skipped over him.

And then we have Tom crying. Rachel is crying. Katie is yelling, but this season we’ll give her a pass. Just when you think you cannot take one more moment of this better-than-Dynasty drama, we’re hit with LVP crying. Despite her old friend implying this show should be called VanderPimp Rules, Lisa did not pay or encourage anyone to cheat to boost ratings.

In conclusion, we have a final moment with Tom and Ariana. She already knows. They have had “the talk.” In what I assume is an effort to normalize his stupidity and create a false sense of security, he asks Ariana, “Do you want anything?” from the kitchen. In a response that could not be delivered any better from Dame Joan Collins herself, Ariana replies, “For you to die.”

Let’s gooooo!

Check out the trailer below.


[Photo Credit: Charles Sykes/Bravo]