Bravo is giving out Christmas and Hanukkah gifts early this year because TONIGHT is the season premiere of Vanderpump Rules Season 7. Bring on the pasta – which is what it’s all about, right? Anyway, before we dive into a new season of super dramas, let’s revisit all the chaos from last season.
Without a doubt the three (or maybe four or possibly even 5) biggest dramas from last season were: Jax Taylor cheating on Brittany Cartwright, James Kennedy and Lala Kent ending their friendship accord over pasta (and Though Who Shall Not Be Called Anything Less Than Perfect, Randall Emmett), and Tom 1 & Tom 2 finally growing up to become bar owners with the opening of Tom Tom. Of course in between all that there were accusations that James cheated on Raquel Leviss with both his BFF Logan Noh and possibly Kristen Doute. Then there was Stassi Schroeder finally revealing PATRICK to the world… We wish she’d kept that shit covered. And of course, Scheana Marie had her Super ROB, ROB, ROB, ROB… This is the song that never ends.
SO let’s dive in.
The season opened with a bang at Scheana Marie‘s birthday party. It was revealed that Jax cheated on Brittany by had done the very nasty with perma-Pump Rules extra Faith Stowers. Not only did he cheat, but Jax had sex with Faith in front of the old lady she was the caretaker of, didn’t use a condom. Of course, Faith recorded the entire thing then sent it to James who passed it along to Lala, who shared it with Ariana Madix, who decided it was her solemn duty as a friend to let Brittany know. Tom 1 solemnly disagreed with because: bro code. Then Stassi put a spell on him guaranteeing that Ariana would never sleep with him again, even after she got laser hair removal!
The whole thing prompted Brittany to pretend dump Jax who groveled to Brittany’s mom Sherry and vowed to change his life with the help of a sexy reiki master. And change it he does by planning to move to Tampa without consulting Brittany, then getting fired from SUR!
Spoiler alert: after pretending she would dump Jax for good and return to her independent life at Hooters, and fake-dating the hot barback Adam Spott, but Brittany didn’t. They’re still together and now engaged. Yep!
Not engaged is Scheana Marie. After dumping Mike Shay because being sober was such a drag on Scheana’s social life. She quickly shacked up with Rob. OMG you guys did you know that like Rob can, like, hang a TV in 7 minutes or less? And he is is soooooo super amazingly sexy he makes his friends clean his vacation home using a chore chart. Yep. Rob this, Rob that, here a Rob, there a Rob, everywhere a Rob Rob – especially in the arms of a hostess at a rival restaurant. Was it one that served pasta?
I mean, you really can’t blame Rob. He did go from dating the Sultan of Brunei’s daughter to dating Scheana and pedaling Divorce Closet.com on a low-budget reality show. Rob’s crowning achievement was actually saving Jax with a boogie board. That’s Bravo’s version of a Baywatch moment – sexiness sold separately (unless you’re Scheana). To repay the favor Jax told everyone that Rob acknowledged he’s not really actually in love with Scheana or planning to marry her.
It’s probably so hard to love Scheana, anyway, because she’s oh-so in love with herself. Only. Scheana, of course, was so in denial that Rob considered her a rebound fling that she went around telling everyone (including Lisa Vanderpump) that Rob was the true love her life. She basically admitted she only married Shay for a TV wedding. Scheana insisted that Rob whispers “I Love You” in her ear every night before she drifted off to sleep. Rob himself admitted he’d never said those words. It was probably Scheana’s life-sized photos of herself whispering such sweet nothings. Anyway, Schena and Rob split once filming wrapped, and Rob blamed the show for making him look bad. I think he should blame Scheana for that!
Meanwhile, James and Raquel seemed happy as pigs in shit. Cause they pretty much were in shit. First, there was James’ uncomfortably close relationship with his BFF Logan, who happened to be gay. Also, Logan admitted to basically being in love with James. And possibly more than that according to Kristen.
After spending years dangling Patrick’s douchieness in front of our noses like an Aderall on a string, Stassi let us inside her relationship with the MOST AMAZING MAN IN THE WORLD. (If you’re the victim on a lobotomy!) After declaring “me time” while going on vacation and blocking her from contacting him, Patrick ended the season by sexually harassing Lisa, then storming out of SUR – and that’s one way to also end a relationship!
Oh and Lisa already had her hands full trying to get Tom and Tom out of the high chair and onto a bar stool. But first, she has to put them in time out when they showed up DRUNK to a business meeting with the restaurant designer and kept interrupting the adults’ conversation. Ultimately Lisa decided to put them in charge of what they do best: drinking. Tom 1 starts working night and day on the custom cocktail menu and neglected Ariana and their cocktail book. Making a book dedicated to excess drinking is Ariana’s version of commitment equal to marriage. Now Tom has up and left her for… Tom 2, of course!
Ariana is fine with Tom 1 ignoring her vagina, but not with him ignoring her emotional needs. However, desperately needing someone to give his unrequited feelings of love to Tom 1 proposes to Tom 2 with a custom-made cufflink. I mean come on isn’t that truly the Vanderpump Rules wedding we’ve all been waiting to see all these long years?
One wedding I could’ve skipped was Tom 2 and Katie Maloney‘s. After less than a year of marriage, Tom 2 got drunk and cheated on Katie again by making out with some girl in Vegas, thus earning himself the moniker Tequila Tom. It got lost in the shuffle of so many other (re: more scandalous) cheating accusations. Whatever – who cares about those two. Certainly not Tom 2, that’s for sure!
In season 5, Lala left the show after being called a home wrecking whore one too many times by the Three Headed SheBests (aka Katie, Stassi, and Kristen). But last season Lala returned. She made amends with Katie just in time to start fighting with James, leaving Scheana on the outs with her former besties, because no can stand her Robsession. Scheana decides Lala is two-faced for forgiving Katie, because after all, it was KATIE – Scheana’s supposed friend – who fueled rumors that Rob cheated. And Rob is soooo in love and can hang a TV so fast, so there’s no way he’d cheat. [side eye] It all comes to a head when Tom 2 drunkenly shrieks that Scheana is fake. See, sometimes Tequila Tom isn’t so stupid!
We also met Bille Lee, Vanderpump Rules’ first trans cast member. After she makes Stassi woke about LGBTQ issues, she goes on a date with Ariana’s bother Jeremy Madix. Her hopes of love are dashed when Stassi warns her that Jeremy is “creepy” after he inappropriately propositioned her at Katie’s wedding. The person most upset about these comments was Tom 1.
Which brings me to my favorite thing about last season – and every season – It’s DJ JAMES KENNEDY, The White Kantye. James was on a roll last season, was he not? First James got sober, then James got his job with Lisa back and sobriety – what’s that?!
One fine day James, Lala, and Logan went for an innocent dinner. That dinner turned out to be feasting on Raquel and her pasta. Or was it pasta? James got so upset about some wet noodles that he accused Lala of dating a fat man to pay her rent and buy her purses. But it’s not about the pasta! Nope, it’s about how James is secretly-not-so-secretly in love with Lala. This is something he makes no effort to hide until she is forced to set some serious boundaries when the group visits Rob’s cabin in Big Bear. Poor James needs to return to kindergarten to learn how to keep his hands and heart to himself.
Since Brittany has never heard of women’s empowerment and thinks reiki is actually therapy, she decides the best way to fix her relationship is by surprising Jax with a birthday trip to Mexico. Talk about a fiasco. The highlight was seeing Lala drink out of a baby bottle she calls her “Bah-Bah.” The low point was everyone accusing James of cheating. With Kristen.
Kristen is a nightmare to travel with (and do anything with) which causes her to have a fight with Stassi. This makes Kristen feel hotel homeless, and she winds up staying up all night drinking with James. Jax imagines that he saw James and Kristen kissing by the pool in his suite. It turns out he was having a flashback of his own affair with Kristen, but he made that realization after sharing the gossip with Tom and Tom, who confront James during a game of golf and decide they hear him admit to cheating.
The little gossipers run to Kristen to inform her that James is claiming they hooked up. Over dinner Kristen confronts James and becomes SO enraged she throws a glass of water in his face. Then, she storms out of the restaurant. Also Tom 2 got so wasted, he blacked out and went to the wrong resort.
Back home Carter is furious to learn Kristen was partying with James all night, and that she even put herself in the position to become the subject of rumors. And how did he hear about Kristen’s naughty behavior? From the meddling Tom 1 of course!
By the end of the season, Jax is so distraught about having to defend his bad behavior constantly that he flips off Lisa, ruins her party with his drunken antics, cusses out Ken Todd, and is fired from SUR. Oh my… what’s a 40-year-old bar tender to do? Um, work at Tom Tom?!
By the time the reunion rolled around everyone had forgiven Jax, who lost his father after filming wrapped.
Lala and James ended the reunion still at odds, because even though James apologized he will not stop coming for Lala and her man. However, Lala insists their fight really was about the pasta. At least initially, but then it became about James disrespecting her.
On this season of Vanderpump Rules we’ll see Kristen and Carter continue to struggle. Lala and Rand get engaged,which probably won’t be on the show. Scheana and Stassi have new men. Plus Tom Tom finally opens!
TELL US – WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE DRAMA FROM LAST SEASON? WHO ARE YOU MOST EXCITED TO CATCH UP WITH THIS SEASON?
[Main Photo Credit: Photo Nicole Weingart/Bravo; All Other Photo Credits: Bravo]