BRAVOCON – “Bravo All Stars: OG Housewives Edition Panel at The Grand Ballroom in New York City on Friday, November 15, 2019” -- Pictured: Andy Cohen -- (Photo by: Dia Dipasupil/Bravo/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)

Things We Need To See At BravoCon To Warrant These Prices

What is one to do when functions return after a pestilence pause but ticket prices make your checking account weep? You have to hope the event-holder is pulling out all the stops to make the financial punch worthwhile. I’m looking at you, BravoCon! With a hail of applause from fans and excitement from reality stars who consider themselves on a par with greatness, BravoCon returns to the New York streets in October 2022. If you want a measly old one day pass, it is going to cost $170. A VIP pass will set you back $350. If you are a TRUE fan, you will whip out the Visa and pay $430 for a 3-day pass. If you are an actual Bravoholic, a VIP pass is $825. And the end all be all, the SUPER VIP price is your firstborn male child and $1950.00. Let’s make a nice list of hypothetical attractions that would warrant paying almost $2,000 to travel to Manhattan, find lodging, and delight in all things Bravo for three days.

The $170 1-Day Ticket Should Include

Access to BravoCon on your ticketed day. Access to panels, programs, and shows. Possible photo ops with Bravolebs. “Themed” bars. Access to Bravo-themed photos and immersive experiences. Access to a shopping experience, and finally, the option to purchase more tickets. First we need Vanderpump Rules star Tom Sandoval reciting a list of his hair care products whilst concocting a drink made from vodka and Stassi Schroeder’s tears. One of Ramona Singer’s 50 closest girlfriends handing out pamphlets will help find your way through exhibits. Here’s a fun one, not seeing any Southern Charm cast because why pay to witness what you can experience at any bro bar that serves craft beer and sticky IPAs. And finally, forcing Below Deck Mediterranean yacht chef Adam Glick to head a cooking class and prepare meals using absolutely no onions.

The $430 3-Day Experience Should Include

Um. The same exact thing but longer. For almost $500 I need to see something good. A shrine to the tinsel Adrienne Maloof wore in her hair during Real Housewives of Beverly Hills season 1. Naturally, the cigarette Kristen Doute was holding when she told her manager to “suck a dick” better be sitting at the “themed bar”. Speaking of Kristen, Jax Taylor will be close by, clomping around in his white fighting sweater angrily yelling that he’s the number one guy in the group. At this time there is no word on whether or not Cruz Cauchi is the number one baby in the group. Then you move on to a Zoom call with former Real Housewives of New York star, Alex McCord, her nervous hives, and Simon Van Kempen. Bonus if Simon is wearing red leather pants. Alex needs to perform the “I’m In Brooklyn” monologue while on the call. A complimentary list of the spells Carlton Gebbia ALLEGEDLY placed on Kyle Richards will be offered at the end of the day. Upon departure, Aviva Drescher will be throwing her fake leg at random people.

The $825 3-day VIP Magical Fantasy Ride Experience Should Include

LITERALLY THE SAME THINGS except you get to be in the “fast people” line. But they’re trying to stick you with the fancy schmancy free 6 months of Peacock Channel Premium. It’s time to start pulling out allll of the tricks. This event is sold out, by the way. Lisa Rinna must be showing up in her Blue Blockers to personally guide you through each Bravo-related experience. Dancing optional. Are you a fitness Bravo fan? Join Kelly Killoren Bensimon in a sight-seeing jogging trip through Midtown traffic. Good luck to you. Don’t fret, dinner with Real Housewives of Atlanta alum NeNe Leakes is next. She calls you a coke whore and a misogynist and blames you for her career ending. Dessert included! This will be fun, an exhibit where NEWLY RETURNED Real Housewives of Orange County star Tamra Judge just backs into a bush over and over again was just added! A Ted Talk featuring Vicki Gunvalson outlining the pros and cons of family vans is sure to benefit most everyone. Kim Richards doing anything, is worth the ticket price alone. These amazing 3 days will conclude with a homemade pie made by RHOBH husband, Mr. Harry Hamlin – with a photo op taken by Patricia, the whore from Muskoka.

Now let’s get to the good stuff.

The Mega Bravoholic-Has-Andy-Cohen-On-Speed Dial Option. The price is a mere… $1,950.

This mind-blowing package offers everything above but includes a Watch What Happens Live viewing, access to Andy Cohen’s Legends Ball, and hospitality perks. For almost 2 grand I’m gonna need some REAL interesting exhibits. First of all the Blue Bunny that Rinna and her one lonely tear gave to Kim better spring to life like Frosty the Snowman and help me with my taxes. A spa appointment with Shannon Storms Beador while jobless Kelly Dodd screams obscenities from across the street because she can’t afford the price to get in. Would love to see Ken Todd in a booth, offering to say “GOODBYE KYLE” into your phone so you can use it as a ringtone. The FUCKING MORGAN PAPERS, in person, and you’re allowed to touch them. Real Housewives of Salt Lake City star Lisa Barlow interviewing every man at the venue Meredith Marks ALLEGEDLY slept with. The ticket price should also include paying Brooks Marks to stay home. Of course we need a joint FaceTime call with Tinsley Mortimer and her frozen embryos. Sign up for the roundtable discussion with Andy Cohen where he unpacks his blatant desire to pit women against each other, mediated by Real Housewives of Potomac’s Grand Dame Karen Huger and Gizelle Bryant. Let’s not forget a shopping trip with Real Housewives of New Jersey legend Teresa Giudice where she pays for everything in cash. Luis Ruelas is not invited, but he will be there standing in the tree pose hoping to be recognized. Then you’re serenaded by Gia Giudice singing her smash hit, “Wakin’ Up in the Mornin‘”. The final event needs to be Lisa Vanderpump offering her condolences to the current cast of RHOBH for reaching levels of desperation that even Aaron Spelling never thought of.

So what do you think? The prices may be high, but BravoCon sold out quickly. The love is definitely there and a lot of people had the money to spend. What remains to be seen is if the guests find their expectations filled by Bravo.


[Photo Credit: Karlolina Wojtasik/Bravo/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images]